The monster we’ve created: the rosé trend has officially gone way too far

It’s not hard to see how rosé became the wine of choice amongst upwardly mobile millennials: it’s accessible, cheap and allows us to feel like adults while still tasting like a Capri-Sun. Oh, and it’s a girly color.

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We have White Girl rosé, soft-serve rosé in the summer, rosé pastries and even rosé chocolate. Yes, brunch is fun and we all like fruity wine and avo toast. But this time, it’s gone too far.

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Rosé is our Frankenstein’s monster, an evil we have created, and its downfall comes in the form of a horrifying “floating rosé festival” yacht docking in NYC this summer. Its offerings are grotesque, and include malevolent creations like rosé pizza, rosé risotto, and rosé popcorn. Oh, and a dress code of “pink chic” is strictly enforced.

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Why have we strayed so far from god’s light? How did we allow a once fun-n-fruity (put that on my tombstone, pls) to turn into an iRobot that will soon overtake and enslave us all?

It might be time to admit that most rosé…isn’t that good? Especially considering most of us usually imbibe in the form of boxed or screw-top wine, it really is just a spiked juice box. It’d be way more effective (and less pretentious) to just dump some Smirnoff in a Gaterade bottle.

OK, maybe not that. But still, the point remains that science has gone too far. Rosé has crested, jumped the shark. It’s a sinking ship, b, and we all need to jump the fuck off.