My beer-brewing twin brother told me how to bullshit about craft beer

It turns out this is the year that people just don’t drink K Cider anymore, despite how much we love it. Unfortunately, drinkers are now opting to give cans the can – sorry, Carlsberg – and swallow craft beers.

These strange fellows often post their ridiculous chalices on instagram (#instabeer) as a trophy for drinking some obscure poison. They probably choose beers with the funniest name, normally something about a sheep or a witty pun – such as Hoptimus Prime.

https://www.instagram.com/p/5zA-MOkX-X/?taken-by=grant_hilborne

So if you’re no Megatron and like me have been left behind in this coup d’craft beer, you’re not alone. I too struggle to impress acquaintances in Shoreditch when attempting to overanalyse a glass of overpriced tipple. So I’m hoping after discovering how to analyse beer the bearded folk may invite me into their clan to play Pokémon Go and catch ‘em all.

Anyway, rather fortunately, my brother Grant brews beer. So I went on an epic adventure across the landing in my house to discuss how to bullshit your way through talking about craft beer.

First of all, what actually is a craft beer?

A craft beer is a beer brewed by a small, independent manufacturers – generally made from hipsters with long beards and flannel shirts sticking it to the man. They’re saying “screw you Carlsberg”, I’m gonna make a beer that only I will enjoy and cost me four times the price.

In all seriousness, it’s actually pretty hard to define! There has been pretty extensive debate by the United Craft Brewers to define what actually is/ isn’t craft beer.

Anyway, what’s so bad a about my pint of Fosters then?

Has anyone gone up to a bar and thought “Oh my, that’s delicious pint of Australian Lager?”

Craft beer is meant to challenge your tastebuds making them jump from the incredibly average to the some what extreme beers, such as gingerbread beer.

Giving bud the bin? I never liked those twisty caps anyway…

Isn’t Fosters apparently brewed in the UK?

Yeah, I heard it’s brewed in Manchester.

So what actually goes into beer then?

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Beer is made from Barley, Wheat and Yeast. Other flavours may be infused into during the production period. Also the ratios of these ingredients will vary depending on the type of beer you are trying to make.

So what sort of things should I be looking out for when drinking down the pub and how can I impress my mates?

Surprisingly Weatherspoons has a quite a wide variety of craft beers, although if you want one made of the previously mentioned hipsters blood, sweat and tears then just find the darkest, indie-est part of London and the beer will be crafty and sneak up on you.

If I could actually give some proper advice though, I would say when you go down the pub with your mates for a swift half go out your comfort zone. Try the beer from Lithuania with dust settling on it rather than your normal Coors or Stella Ar-torres. You might be pleasantly surprised.

And finally, you probably couldn’t impress anyone down the pub anyway.

https://www.instagram.com/p/_m1wQOF4Mv/?taken-by=tylerhilborne

So what sort of flavours should I be telling my mates?

If you try hard enough (you may have to ignore your friends for a bit) you might get subtle hints of coffee or a strong hit of grapefruit. Different types of beers have distinctly different palates. A dark stout is likely to express these coffee notes whereas lighter ales may have toffee flavours or more floral notes.

What’s a good colour beer?

There is no real perfect colour for beer as they vary depending on the type of beer being brewed. You could probably find a table online somewhere that tells you what the colour of the beer means, it’ll probably read your horoscope at the same time as well.

If your brewing your own beer if it comes out a similar colour to the recipe you should be on the right lines. Don’t worry if it doesn’t though, it’ll probably taste just as good.

https://www.instagram.com/p/mpaqQUEX81/?taken-by=grant_hilborne

Would you judge me if I had Carlsberg to drink?

I don’t think so, I’m not that snobby am I? Personally, I couldn’t drink the same drink all night, maybe that is how I got into craft beers – looking for the beer with the coolest bottle and going from there.

Have you managed to impress anyone brewing beer?

Don’t make me laugh [he laughs], no one cares about me brewing my own beer. Maybe you’ll find your odd mate or dad who likes the beer you made. But overall no, trust me, my tinder doesn’t lie.