Give the people their columnists

The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the pixelated stage: Charlie, Georgie, Jossie, Louis and Ploy.

Charlie Dowell – Thursdays

A Johnian public school boy hailing from the home counties (ie a typical Cambridge student from yester year) born 150 years too late, wishing he could be a gentleman explorer/scientist rather than a member of a fast, bonkers and sex obsessed society. His column will explore modern themes with the sound, right wing logic of a Victorian gentleman.

Georgie Hammerton

Too lazy to learn from mistakes and content in the knowledge that a general distrust of animals means no chance of becoming a crazy cat lady. Offering mundane insights into the intriguing which seems like a good way to start validating 3 years at university apart from a sloppy 2:2, riding a policeman around Jesus green and severe cirrhosis.

Jossie Evans

Hi, my name is Jossie and I’ve known I was bisexual since I was 13. When I’m not introducing myself in the style of an AA meeting, I can be found in love, in trouble or in the throes of passion. Read and be entertained by my regular failings in life.

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Louis Shankar

Our identity defines who we are, literally. Gender, race, sexual preference, religion or lack thereof, whether you prefer tea or coffee. Over the coming weeks, issues such as these will be explored, discussed, and probed, with (hopefully) interesting and subversive results. (Terms and conditions may apply, no revelations guaranteed).

Ploy Kingchatchaval

When asked to equate Ploy’s personality to a shape in a Year Nine bonding exercise, her classmates unanimously agreed upon ‘black spike’. Not much has changed since then. Her special talents include falling asleep on public transport, complaining loudly about her personal life in public places, and falling over on flat, stable surfaces. Her emoji game is strong.

Ploy used the time she should have spent writing this blurb to make a collage of the messages she sent to her friends bitching about having to write this blurb. Her column will probably be an extension of said bitching, but with a bit more Deep Thought and a lot more gratuitous swearing. She looks forward to seeing the variety of impressively offensive puns that Tab commenters will make out of her name.

Are you excited? WE ARE.