We asked Manc students for their worst night out stories, and wow they’re gross
‘I stole a bouncer’s motorbike and drove it past him’
An excess of alcohol, horny students, brawling bouncers and an extensive array of narcotics. What could possibly go wrong on a night out in the notorious city of the north?
If you had thought that the outside of the library was a safe haven, then you were proven very, very wrong .
This week, we asked Manchester students for their most embarrassing night out stories, and God you lot didn't disappoint.
We also got them to illustrate their experience. Be warned – it gets graphic:
"I took too much coke and ended up walking around the city centre"
"I was at 42's, had taken way too much coke and was subsequently dancing way too hard, so was thrown out. As a result, I then decided to go on a six-mile march around the city centre."
A classier drug choice than the standard Manchester ketamine, however the nittiness is nicely evened back out again, with the decisively tragic club choice.
"I looked around for a condom the morning after and found my own literal shit instead"
"I went to Warehouse Project and my mate's friend bought what he thought was 2CB off a random girl. He offered me some, which I took, although already blind drunk.
"I can't remember the next five hours. I asked the guy what happened and he said he couldn't remember anything either, but he thought we probably slept together.
"I looked around my room for any sign of a condom, but instead found shit in my trousers from the night before."
Unprotected sex with someone you didn't want to shag vs. Shitting your pants = Still winning?
"I got dragged out kicking and screaming at 12am by five bouncers"
"I was on a Medic night out with the rugby lads, the theme of the night being Baywatch. I drank a lot and by 12pm a bouncer saw the state I was in and tried to kick me out but I wouldn’t leave, so five bouncers then dragged me out kicking and screaming. That night apparently there were also two students fucking on the dance floor."
A night solely designed for medics to get their kit off, apparently worth kicking and screaming if you're forced to leave and where its attendees are so sexually deprived they have a quickie mid-sesh? Move over AU.
"I stole a bouncer's motorbike and drove it past him"
"I was really drunk in a club and my mates lost me. Turns out I had run out of the club and stolen the bouncer’s motorbike and was driving it past him. The bouncer had previously been to prison and to this day I am terrified he’ll find out who I am and track me down."
At least we're evolving from the standard stolen traffic cone.
"I thought my mate had blacked out but it turned out he was asleep"
"So I called the paramedics on one of my mates because I thought they were unconscious and had blacked out. The paramedics arrived and just as they did, my mate woke up. Turns out he’d been asleep the whole time."
In hindsight, probably not the worst outcome.
"I woke up to find my course mate pissing on my floor"
"I was in my first week of uni and had been out for a night out with some of my course mates to get to know them better. After the club, we came back to mine, and one guy stayed on my floor as didn't want to trek home.
"We went to bed at 5am, but I woke up at 6am to see him pissing on my door and floor. When he was finished, he then came and lay on my bed. He had obviously been sleep walking.
"I had to pretend the next morning and in my seminar with him, that nothing had happened, because I felt too bad and was too embarrassed."
I mean, if a man's gotta go…?
"I had sex in a Homer Simpson onesie"
"So my friend's friends had come up to visit him for a Halloween party; I was dressed in a Homer Simpson onesie. I was under certain influences and then one of the guys walked me home, things went down and now we don’t talk.
"During sex he commented particularly on my Homer Simpson onesie."
Who knew onesies were such a turn on?
"I drunkenly introduced myself to everyone in my court"
"I had a K cider night with my mates and had one too many and drunkenly decided to knock onto every single front door in my court and introduce myself.
"The next morning I was walking around and was so confused as to why everyone was saying good morning to me. I thought they were all weirdos, until later found out I was the real freak."
If you're not trying this hard in Freshers' Week you're not trying hard enough.
"I had to crawl under a portaloo to retrieve my drugs"
"I was at Parklife and dropped my drugs down a little grate in the portable loo (not in the actual loo), and so had to go outside the loo and army crawl underneath, in the mud.
"I popped back up, having succeeded in my mission, only to find a security guard staring at me. I must've looked demented, as was covered in mud with a big, victorious smile plastered on my face."
Glad you clarified it wasn't an "actual loo".
"I had a threesome against a car while a homeless woman watched"
"So um, I got like blackout on pills and ended up having a threesome in a car park in the Northern Quarter, up against the back of a Ford Fiesta and a homeless woman pitched up her tent besides us to watch."
We have no words.
Featured image: SWNS