Sniffing socks and K-holing: Edi students tell us their dating app horror stories
Some of these are truly terrifying
Spooky season is well and truly upon us. But it’s not just ghosts and ghouls that have been giving Edinburgh students nightmares – you may say it’s a different type of thing that goes bump in the night.
Whether it’s terrifying Tinder, bloodcurdling Bumble, horrifying Hinge, or ghoulish Grindr, dating apps are scarier than any haunted house. You’re in the dark about what you may find and just waiting for something (or someone) unexpected to jump out out you.
So, what witches and devils have been haunting Edinburgh students? Scroll down if you dare!
‘So many Tories’
It seems as though there is one creature that keeps popping up on dating apps in Edinburgh that is more terrifying than the rest: Tories.
Grace, 2nd year told us: ‘I was bored on Hinge one day and found this seemingly normal – if slightly yah-looking – guy. I scrolled down on his profile and his bottom picture was him holding a dead rabbit and a shotgun! I screamed. The next day I was on Hinge again and saw a guy whose first pic was him in a red coat, on a horse, with hunting dogs. I’ve barely used Hinge since.’
It’s not just student Tories lying in wait. Jack, 4th year said ‘I matched with my (disgraced) former local MP on Grindr. I shouldn’t – especially as he’s a Tory – but he’s so hot!’
‘I found the new girlfriend of a guy I’d had a thing with in Freshers’
As well as Tories, you’ve also got to keep an eye out for people you may know. Maria, 3rd year told us ‘one night back in first year I was in Spoons with my flatmates at the time. We were swiping on my Tinder for a laugh and I found the new girlfriend of a guy I’d had a thing with in Freshers Week! I swiped ‘right’ (because why not) and we matched a couple of weeks later. We went out for coffee and turns out they were in an open relationship. Nothing romantic came of it but we were kinda good pals for a bit.’
Because, yes, even in a uni of 35,000 and a city of 500,000+, you are guaranteed to find people you know on dating apps in Edinburgh.
‘My sunflower has grown massive after vigorous play’
You may even find a BNOC or two lurking in the dark corners of dating apps. Frieda, 4th year said ‘I matched with this boy on Tinder and he told me “you’ve clearly never played with a sunflower and it shows” so I asked him what the hell he meant and he replied “you can’t send pictures on Tinder but my sunflower has grown massive after vigorous play”. I was very grossed out to say the least and asked him if it was an innuendo.
He replied “No lol Jesus an actual sunflower. If you walk past the student housing coop you’ll see my sunflower in a planter”. But the thing is, he’s a bit of a coop vegan BNOC so I do think he did mean an actual sunflower. And I live in Tollcross so walk past him on the street all the time and can’t help but think of his sunflower.’
Yikes! Boys do tend to think with their sunflower and not their head after all.
‘Asking me if I wanted him to sniff my socks’
It’s not just weird obsessions with sunflowers afflicting the ghosts and ghouls of Edinburgh dating apps. James, 2nd year told us ‘Multiple old men have straight up asked me on grindr if I wanted a sugar daddy. Oh, and I once had a guy, right off the bat text me asking if I wanted him to sniff my socks. THAT was a weird one…”.
Seems like he’s not alone. Josephine, 3rd year said “I was messaging this guy on Bumble and he seemed nice – and most importantly, normal. But then after asking me why I was on Bumble, he told me he was a cuckold and wanted me to tell him all about the other boys I was talking to and dating. Unsurprisingly, I blocked him straight away.’
Brb, just off to go be sick x
‘Imagine the ba-donk ba-donk of an overflowing washing machine’
Meeting up with matches is seemingly just as fraught with peril. Johnny, 4th year told us ‘One boring evening in second year I decided to check out some hot boys on grindr. Well, since it was 11pm on a Tuesday there wasn’t much choice so I messaged this bloke who wasn’t really my type, but could do and invited him over! Well, that was a mistake.. as soon as we started to get to business with a bit of a snog, something felt wrong.. he couldn’t kiss.. like AT ALL. The best way to describe it is to imagine the ba-donk ba-donk of an overflowing washing machine – that was that bloke’s snogging skills. AWFUL right???
Anyway, I didnt know how else to salvage this so I told him – and he KEPT at his technique for another excruciating couple minutes. So I plucked up my courage and basically kicked him out my flat. The next day – bearing in mind he DIDN’T know my name, he somehow managed to find my insta and started following me and liked all my photos for no reason!?!?! I thought nothing of it till a month or two later and he SUPERLIKED me on Tinder – again no. The worst thing about it is that to this day he still likes my pics on insta and I still don’t know if I should block him because creepy or let him be for the extra clout?’
Genuinely traumatising stuff!
‘They fell into a K hole’
Some ghouls you will encounter on Edi dating apps are possessed by an entirely different demon.
Joanne, 4th year said ‘I went on a tinder date with this boy, was sufficiently awkward but we got on and we decided to see each other next at my flatmate’s 21st party at my flat. He asked to bring a friend which was a bit weird but I said ok because he wouldn’t know anyone. Then he and his friend say they’re going to meet a man about a dog and disappeared for well over an hour. When they got back they had ket, which they commenced taking at a rapid rate. They fell into a K hole and had to go lie down alone for the rest of the night. I never saw or spoke to him again.’
Fed up of dating apps? You can sign up for Edinburgh Goes Dating here!