Here’s which new movie you should watch depending on your Durham college
Pushing college stereotypes and only college stereotypes
If you’re like me, you might be impartial to spending a huge chunk of your student loan on the Gala theatre’s wonderful £5 cinema tickets. However, sometimes there are just too many films to chose from, and you may be left baffled as to which you should give your valuable time to.
It’s a feeling I know all too well, so here’s a handy guide which will tell you what new film you should watch next based on something which Durham students take as synonymous with your personality: Your college.
Castle – Saltburn
A story about a young Oxford student who becomes infatuated with his aristocratic schoolmate, Saltburn is the movie to watch for those at Castle college who, if we’re being completely honest, either wish they were the protagonist of this film, or are in reality his wealthy partner.
With its themes of wealth and class, mesmerising location and psychological thrills, Saltburn is basically everything people associate with Castle – the one college that bares any resemblance to the Oxbridge experience so many Durham students here have been deprived of.
With Saltburn being released sometime soon, that leaves plenty of time for you to organise a cinema date with all your Castle friends and maybe even ask them about their experience with the blue-blooded Brits the film is meant to represent.
St John’s – The Nun II
Some would say that it’s rather blasphemous to tell people from Durham’s most religious college to watch The Nun II, a sequel to a film about a demon nun.
However, I would retaliate by saying that if not for having the most ungodly film-watching experience since the release of Bruce Almighty, those from St John’s should watch The Nun II simply because it would make a fun movie night.
A sequel to a spin-off movie for The Conjuring movies, it’s hard know why The Nun II actually exists, but I would nonetheless recommend it to anyone wanting to marathon some mediocre, but entertaining, horror movies with a bowl of popcorn and their devout St John’s friend.
Hild Bede – Blackberry
“I didn’t even know this film existed” is probably what you’re thinking to yourself right now, and it’s probably what you thought to yourself when you found out Hild Bede was a college at Durham. Now, this is no insult to Hild Bede, in fact, it’s not too bad once you get to know it, especially once you get over the fact that it’s in the middle of nowhere.
Likewise to Hild Bede, Blackberry is also pretty misunderstood. As said before, you probably didn’t even know it existed until now, and even then, the thought of watching a film about the creation of the Blackberry phone doesn’t sound too thrilling.
However, what appears on the outside hides what is actually one of the best biopics on the phone your mum had in 2006 (if that even is a genre), powered by its incredibly talented cast.
So, if you’re from Hild Bede and are looking for a film that shares your sadness in being overlooked despite actually being not at all that bad, look no further than Blackberry.
St Mary’s – Barbie
Like Barbieland, Mary’s college also looks like the perfect place to be, with its picturesque scenery and buildings. However, unlike Barbieland, Mary’s fails to maintain its wholesome atmosphere the moment you step inside.
Nevertheless, this doesn’t take away from the fact that St Mary’s students are like Durham’s select group of Barbies. They seem happy in their own bubble and are truly the girl’s girls of the university – sorry not sorry to all the Kens at Mary’s.
It’s only natural then that, when thinking of a film those at this college should watch, Barbie almost immediately comes to mind. It’s the perfect movie to match the energy of practically anyone you’ll meet from Mary’s, bubbly and full of life with just enough sense of the real world.
St Chad’s – Killers of the Flower Moon
If we’re being completely honest, St Chad’s is probably the best of the Bailey colleges, so take this recommendation less as one based on stereotypes, and more on what was personally one of my favourites movies this year.
I’ve not known anyone who’s had any particular problem with those at Chad’s, and if there is an issue, it’s usually due to them getting lumped in with the rest of the Bailey colleges. Like Chad’s, Killers of the Flower Moon tends to only have surface level negative associations, mainly originating from its over three hour runtime.
However, when you look beyond that, you’ll find that Killers of the Flower Moon is one of the stand-out films of 2023. While heavy in its subject matter, this movie is as good a reason as any to go out and have an eye-opening cinematic experience.
Grey – Poor Things
“Poor thing” is usually what people think when they hear that someone is from Grey college, and for that reason, it’s only fitting that those who go to Grey should see Poor Things.
As the name suggests, the college is fairly dull. Wedged between Collingwood and the science site, its only redeeming quality is the fact that everyone who goes there is fairly unproblematic.
Watching Poor Things could potentially spice up the lives of anyone from Grey as there’s virtually nothing else to do. Not to mention the fact that the film itself has a genuinely interesting premise, being a spin on the classic Frankenstein-tale, but this time from the perspective of a young Victorian woman.
Unfortunately, the release date for the film has been pushed back to 2024, a few months over from when it was originally meant to be released in September 2023, so those at Grey college will have to wait a little longer for their minor dose of fun – poor things.
Collingwood – Air
A sports drama film based on the creation of Air Jordan’s? Air is a movie made primarily for those who took sports-day way to seriously – in other words, those who go to Collingwood college.
Filled to the brim with middle-aged men yelling at each other over budgets and sports-shoes for nearly two-hours, Air is one of those dad films that makes you feel the need to run a few laps the moment the credits start rolling.
However, despite seeming like one of those movies your boyfriend drags you to see because it has Ben Affleck and Matt Damon in it, Air actually has a lot of heart in it, much like those at Collingwood themselves, who aren’t actually as jock-like as you think they are.
So, if you’re at Collingwood and feel like watching a film about the shoes you’re most likely wearing right now, look no further than Air.
Trevelyan – Past Lives
Ok I’ll admit, I have a major soft spot for Trevs, maybe it’s because they have a great bar, or because it’s almost endearing in its strange layout and how no one seems to think that much of it?
Whatever the reason, I couldn’t help but feel that Past Lives would be the perfect film for someone from Trevelyan college to watch. With its story of two childhood best friends who learn to lead different lives, this movie makes the ordinary look remarkable, something I’m sure will help your average Trevs resident romanticise the fact that they picked the most mundane college in Durham.
College stereotypes aside, those at Trevs deserve to treat themselves to a film like Past Lives, even if it’s just to distract themselves from all the unnecessary hate they get for living in an oddly shaped building.
St Cuthbert’s – Asteroid City
If you were to imagine St Cuthbert’s as a real person, and that person was someone who religiously watched Wes Anderson films, then you wouldn’t be far from the truth. Known as the college that likes to call themselves a “society” instead of – you know – a college, St Cuthbert’s is, above all else, quirky.
Now compare this to Wes Anderson and his films, eccentric and unique to the point where it’s honestly a surprise someone from Cuth’s hasn’t already asked you whether or not you’ve seen Asteroid City yet.
In spite of this, the Asteroid City provides a lovely narrative on grief, family and existentialism, qualities that’ll make your average film bro (and by association, average Cuth’s resident) practically stick their faces to the screen.
St Aidan’s – Bottoms
Campy and sometimes hard to tell what the hell is going on, there isn’t a movie more fitting for those at St Aiden’s to go see than Bottoms.
While it’s a pity that Aiden’s hasn’t got a lot going for it, whether that be half the university not knowing it exists, or those who do know it exists referring to its location as “arse hill”, what makes Aiden’s isn’t so much the college itself, but more the people that go there.
Maybe that’s why Bottoms fits so well with Aiden’s, with it having equally as much character – or maybe it’s because the movie title just fits so well with the college’s unfortunate nickname.
Hatfield – Oppenheimer
What would be more appropriate than to pair one of the biggest movies of the year to the college with the biggest – albeit not greatest – reputation?
Don’t get confused, Oppenheimer is, in a lot of people’s opinions, one of the best films of 2023, but if you were to go and ask your local Durham student whether Hatfield is one of the best colleges, they would probably give you a major side-eye.
And while this is in no way comparing the titular historical figure to your average Hatfielder (although I believe many people wouldn’t put it past them to instigate some kind of nuclear apocalypse), there are still various reasons for why someone from Hatfield should watch Oppenheimer.
Whether that be in relation to the movie’s record-breaking box office numbers, or the college’s record-breaking student net-worth, there’s no denying the fact that these two just like to act better than everyone else.
South – Red, White & Royal Blue
As Durham’s newest college it’s safe to say that South is in a far better condition than the colleges built in the 2000s, or even the 1800s, and likewise to South, Red, White & Royal Blue is a movie that feels just as new and fun.
Yes it may be a little basic, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that Red, White & Royal Blue is an all-round entertaining film that gives you everything you’d expect from a romantic comedy.
Similarly, South college gives its residents everything they’d expect with its modern accommodation and facilities.
As a result, while it may not stand out from the crowd, like South, Red, White & Royal Blue serves its function simply by being an enjoyable presence and easy watch.
John Snow – Cocaine Bear
John Snow? Snow? Cocaine? No, that’s not the only reason I think Cocaine Bear is a perfect film for those at John Snow to watch.
People at John Snow always seem a bit far-out, which can be to do with their location, but may also have something to do with the fact that they just have this very chill vibe about them. To put it briefly, they’re like that stoner friend who makes any event more fun simply by just being there.
Meanwhile, Cocaine Bear is one of those films you watch for a good time and a good time only. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and neither does anyone at John Snow. For that reason, if you’re from John Snow, and looking for an easy night in, switch on Cocaine Bear.
Josephine Butler – Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour
As a Butlerite, I am going to have to come clean here and admit that I am being slightly biased, not because of the fact that I’m a Swiftie myself, but because everyone else I know at Butler is.
Taylor Swift is to me one of those people you can never bring yourself to truly hate, and those who do seem like they’re trying too hard to. The same principle applies to Butler college apparently.
Likewise to Swifties, those at Josephine Butler also make up a dedicated close-knit group of people who are lovely most of the time, but will not hesitate to ostracise you after any slight transgression – for your sake don’t refer to the college as “Jobo” in front of your Butler friends.
So, if they haven’t asked you to go already, take your local Butlerite to go see The Eras Tour at the local cinema, or, if you’ve got money to spare, see it live!
Stephenson – Five Nights at Freddy’s
When you ask someone to describe what people at Stephenson college are like, the general vibe you’ll get is that one kid from secondary school who was a bit too obsessed with creepypastas and Five Nights at Freddy’s. We all know the one. They’re nice, easy to be friends with, and just weird enough to handle.
With this, I feel as though Five Nights at Freddy’s is the movie event those at Stephenson have been waiting years for.
In that case, whether you want to spend an evening watching a fun horror film, or if you’re a major fan of the video games, make sure to drag your friend from Stevo to watch Five Nights at Freddy’s, who I’m sure would be more than happy to come along.
Van Mildert – Wonka
There’s really no great explanation as to why Wonka exists. When it was first announced it seemed like some pointless cash-grab for those who really, really like Timothée Chalamet.
Some people would probably say the same for Van Mildert – although it doesn’t have Timothée Chalamet, sadly. What most people remember it by is its lake which, like the chocolate river, may look nice, but could probably kill you.
However, despite its flaws, this college has a great atmosphere and you’ll probably enjoy your stay there regardless of any chance you may have of getting attacked by a duck. Likewise, while Wonka most likely isn’t going to be best film this year, it promises a fun experience to anyone willing to give it a go.
Ustinov – Napoleon
Let’s put Napoleon under the list of films your dad would probably watch, and with that let’s also put Napoleon under the list of films people from Ustinov would probably watch.
Don’t get me wrong, Napoleon genuinely looks like a good movie, but I can’t picture anyone from the university below post-graduate age actually paying to see it in cinemas.
Featured image via YouTube88.