The definitive ranking of Selly Oak Aldi’s own brands

Selly Oak Aldi rocks my world without rocking my bank account. Aldi is more than a supermarket, Aldi is an experience, it’s a day out, it’s a leisurely meander down the middle aisle, or an extreme sport of endurance and speed at the check outs. But most of all, Aldi is home to some of the best, most shameless knock off own brand names. Here’s a naming and shaming of some of the best.

Anything with Cuthbert slapped on it

Cuthbert staring camp straight in the eye

Cuthbert! The less famous, and less favored distant cousin of M&S’ Collin the Caterpillar. Cuthbert is like the Cousin Mortimer to the Basil Brush (Ha Ha Bang Bang!)  Slightly unsavoury character, that bears a harrowing resemblance to the original thing, but with a slightly discerning quality that you can’t quite put your finger on. Cuthbert is a bad boy who is running from the law, having been involved in a heavy lawsuit from M&S. Cuthbert is a bad boy who is running from the law, having been involved in a heavy lawsuit from M&S (Aldi and M&S later settled the copyright dispute.) Having said this, Cuthbert boasts an extensive range of sweet treats, which probs give the original caterpillar cake a run for his money flavour-wise, at a fraction of the price. Heavy bass and even heavier rollers.

A B C D Cuthy B. Via @AldiUK Twitter. 

Metro rolls (in the style of Subway)

Metro rolls accommodate those of us too afraid to brave Subway for the first time. When do you select the bread? Do you order the filling in the desired bread at the same time! What salads can you trust? And, is that tuna actually tuna… Scary! But this is where Metro rolls come in! They probs did their year abroad in Paris because they’re so continental by calling it the Metro rather than the Subway, or God forbid, the Tube. All the squidgy goodness of a Subway roll, with the iconic green and yellow branding. Sooooo class.

Cart Wheels (in the style of Wagon Wheels)

Possibly one of the most shamelessly delicious Aldi knock offs. Cart Wheels do everything a Wagon Wheel was born to do. Country Western theme? Tick. Jammie range? Tick. Intense packaging that bears no resemblance to the actual product? Absolutely. (It’s a stretch and a half that cart wheels are meant to look like the wheels of a wagon). These little beauties are just as real, and just as delish as the ones who walked so these could run. Keeping bringing the West to the Midlands, Cart Wheels!

Titan and Racer bars (in the style of Mars and Snickers)

Titan and Racer tell a tale as old as time, and I’ll tell you for why. So it makes sense that Titan got its space themed name from its brother in arms, the iconic Mars bars. Yet Racer’s story is even better because it used to be called a Marathon bar!!!! Sporty spices the lot of ya. Their font that looks like it was made on WordArt, to the escapee peanuts sprawled across the front of Racer’s packaging. Nothing short of iconic you two. Keep doing what you do I beg.

Dominion Sweets (in the style of Candy Kittens)

Jamie Laing and his Candy Kitten empire need not worry too much about the threat of Dominion. They’re not dominion of..anything. Where’s the dominating! Admittedly, the packaging and branding is on the (toffee) nose just enough for me to recognize who they are trying to mimic, but it looks cheap and not even that cheerful. The silly pineapple leaf graphic and the silly silly geometric background cheapens what’s meant to be the classiest gelatin-free blob going. Yuck colour palette, tasty sweet. Not the best.

Snacksters Nuggets and the Big Stack (in the style of McDonald’s)

THIS is why Aldi is my love language. So close to the bone it should be illegal. The font, the colour, the takeaway-style boxes. My fave charm here has to be the rhyming scheme of Big Stack with Big Mac. It’s just stunning. Poetry in motion. Scary yet thrilling. You would not be judged if you mistook these for the real thing at first glance. I’m not in the current situation to compromise my vegetarianism for this range just yet (I draw the line at a drunk Rooster’s chicken strip), but I’m waiting for Snacksters to announce their take on the McPlant (probs be called the McShan’t or McFlower).

Nutoka (in the style of Nutella)

No Selly household is complete without a jar of Nutoka knocking about. Potentially the most daring Aldi have got with their knock-offs. The taste, the smell, the look, the feel, its a sesh for the senses. I think Nutoka is more iconic than the real thing. Sue me. I’m prepared to die for the things I love the most.

Articles recommended by this writer

•University of Birmingham students are the third most targeted by top employers

•These Birmingham Uni flatmate horror stories will make you wish you still lived at home

•Joe Lycett to Ozzy Osbourne: Here are the celebrities who went to school in Birmingham