A savage and definitive rundown of what your New Balance 530 colour says about you

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

2 years ago

You can’t go a day without seeing a pair of New Balance 530s knocking about these days. They’re everywhere and it’s great. From influencers posting photos of themselves wearing them to the PR girly opposite you on the Tube in her pastel pink ones. For the last year we have seen New Balance come back into fashion and rightfully so, the shoes are amazing. But that doesn’t mean everyone looks good in them.

You’d be a fool to think every single colour of New Balance 530 were as cool as each other. Some of them are just elite, like the green ones but the second you pair a green with grey netting then you’re dancing with the devil. So here is a savage and definitive rundown of exactly what type of person you are based on the colour of your New Balance 530.

Navy blue

Bored shitless. You’ve either just bought these shoes because they’re the only ones you could get your hands on or you’ve had them for yonks. In which case they’re probably all discoloured and smell like pure cheese.

Silver or gold

via snoozefest

Panic bought these shoes did you? God forbid you lose out on a trend!! You are pathetic and spineless. Chances are you’re a timid shrew without a crumb of personality as revealed by what you wear on your feet. Where’s the colour? Where are the vibes?

Light blue

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It’s giving try hard. You’re desperately trying to be quirky and you 100 per cent bought these from ASOS. You’ve got style, I’ll give you that. But what good is style if you’ve got no substance to go with it? You’re so lacklustre and your mates definitely wouldn’t notice if you didn’t show up to a night out.

Green

TSHA told The Tab the Nightwatch Green and White New Balance 530s from her JD Sports x New Balance campaign are her favourite colour because they suit her skin tone. Like these ones here.

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You’ve got style, you’ve got taste and you’ve got poise. Green is a powerful and dominant choice. You demand everyone looks at your feet and comments on the iconic shoes you are wearing. Money can’t buy happiness but £95 can buy you a ticket to be the baddest in the place.

Baby pink

via ASOS

Love Island is the highlight of your year and you lived and breathed One Direction growing up. You exude Fiat 500 energy and you couldn’t be more mainstream if you tried. You recently watched the Tommy Fury and Jake Paul fight because you heard “Molly-Mae’s boyfriend was boxing the YouTube guy.”

Your favourite venue for a night out varies between All Bar One and Slug and Lettuce. The vibe of your night out fully relies on whether the picture you got in your doorway before leaving was Instagramable or not.

Yellow/vomit gold

via trauma

I’m praying to god you got these on Vinted because if you didn’t then you’re a freak. You thrive in charity shops and you never wash what you buy before you wear it for the first time.

Black

via ASOS

You wouldn’t know glitz and glamour if they hit you with a barge pole dorlin’. You have absolutely no rizz and you’re going to be single for the rest of your life. You’ve got to be a 40-year-old newly single man or a chef if you own these.

Oatmeal

Stay away from me.

Burgundy

You have Union Jack bedding and you have huge Tory vibes. You own a waistcoat and exclusively wear chinos on a night out. You’re the type to go to somewhere like Durham Uni and study PPE. You’ll wind up with a 2:2 but bag yourself a decent City job because you’re the nepo baby from hell and your dad is some sort of CEO of some bank no one has ever heard of.

Luminous green and grey

via ASOS

What the absolute get out of my swamp is going on here? These shoes look like bile and they give me the same sensation as when I look at them. Just buy a pair of ASICS you loser!!