I asked all my exes for constructive criticism and wow, it got savage
Honestly thought they’d be meaner tbh
Love Island's Amy recently asked Curtis for "constructive criticism" on their relationship after he broke up with her, so she wouldn't repeat the same mistakes. Why anyone would want to do this to themselves is a total mystery, because it's basically a form of self inflicted torture. But we all do strange things in the name of personal growth, so I decided to do it too.
I messaged every boy I have ever had a "thing" with, asking for feedback. "Thing" meaning: Sleeping together, seeing each other or full on dating. This was obviously pretty daunting, and it was made even more awkward because I had unfriended two of them on Facebook.
Getting these responses was like pulling teeth. You'd think people would be keen to dole out the criticism on their exes, or sort of-exes, but these boys were not. A bunch of them didn't respond either, despite me telling them multiple times that it was not a trick or a joke. I am still quite annoyed about this.
These are all their responses:
'You can improve by not cheating on people'
Adrian, boyfriend of two and a half years. We broke up a year ago.
I dated Adrian for nearly three years, he was my first proper long term boyfriend and he was a genuinely great man. We had a very funny, friendly relationship but I cheated on him towards the end so he doesn't like me much anymore. Messaging him wasn't too awks though because we've talked about our relationship so much since.
Here's what he had to say: "I'm going to give you the headlines for what you can improve: Cheating. You told me I was a bad dancer. Sometimes you could be a bit of a snob around people who weren't visibly cool. You were pretty funny tbf. You had a lot of belief in yourself and your ambitions which was nice."
'Stop giving hickies'
Dom, recent one night stand
Dom is an old school friend who I slept with recently. He's one of the least shy or reserved people I know, so messaging him for feedback was like a walk in the park.
Dom said: "Started well, the wine was fantastic and the whole aesthetic of your room was relaxing but also just sexy enough to spark a mood. You were forward but in a suggestive way which was nice. The sex was actually fantastic, I mean it happened like three times so must have been good.
"You’re very easy to chat to and it doesn’t just stay on a boring surface level it’s actually interesting and gets quite personal which I guess some people might not be into."
I think what Dom might be referencing here is that I immediately asked him about his past relationships. I do this with every boy so I can try to identify any deep seated emotional issues and get all the red flags out of the way quickly.
"Overall I’d give it a 8.5/10. The only thing I’d improve on is don’t go giving massive hickies, took like five days to go away, and you also called me out for not being cuddly enough, sorry would deffo recommend."
After the hickeys comment, I wish I could use the excuse that this one night stand happened when I was a teenager. But it was last month.
'You left me kinda exhausted'
Jamie, we were seeing each other for three months last summer
Jamie is one of the nicest men I have ever slept with and we're on really good terms now (we always like each others' Instas) so messaging him was easy peasy.
Jamie said: "Sex was great, you had a ferocious appetite for it which left me kinda exhausted and sore, that can be seen as a good thing or a bad thing, maybe it was my lack of fitness."
He continued: "Was a wholesome summer fling, v nice house, walking dogs, top notch snacks. Meeting your mum was intense as she deffo knew we were just shagging. Also great chat."
So far the men I've talked to make it out like I'm just a very chatty sex fiend and honestly I'm a bit concerned.
'You became quite obsessive early on'
Fred, we had sex a few times
This was a mildly uncomfortable one. Me and Fred are on great terms now but it was awkward for quite a few years because I fell head first in love with him at college after we slept together. I can only blame it on teenage fever.
"The confidence and forwardness shown towards me was initially very attractive and comfortable. The sex itself was good, I've had better but so have probably you, but it was fun and fast paced. Creatively can't fault considering we tried it first on a tumble dryer. Only complaint is I never finished, ever."
When I pushed him for more personal info and less sex related, he said: "Since we met we always had a fun flirty relationship with each other, however you became quite obsessive early on. It was all a bit much at times and it frightened me off.
"The vibe was normally good between us but it became awkward after a while and it would be uncomfortable if we bumped into each other. What we had was good but it lacked that spark for me to really invest my time."
To be fair to myself here, I was 17 years old when this happened. Also to be fair to Fred, I was actually pretty obsessed with him.
'You didn't seem too keen on receiving head?'
Dan, consistent recent shag
Dan was on my course at university and I had a crush on him as soon as I met him. We slept together a few times recently and it was quite couple-y, but we haven't talked about it since. That made this a bit weird, but he's so confident I'm pretty sure he didn't care.
"I mean I wanted to sleep with you for the first two years at uni so the sexual chemistry was definitely there. You didn't seem too keen on receiving head? Your in bed chat was so freaking sexy though, especially a well timed 'daddy'. But it was hard to tell if you genuinely wanted to fuck or if it was just convenient because I was there. I was so surprised by this because of how straight up you are."
This was a nice change of tune! We've gone from forward to not forward enough. Safe to say I'm a multi-faceted woman.
'Don't tell people my dick looks like a sausage'
Sam, the boy I lost my virginity to at age 15
I lost my virginity to Sam in a tent in the woods when I was 15 and it was a very underwhelming experience. No fault of his, losing your virginity always is. I haven't spoken to him in literal years so this was very out of the blue.
Safe to say Sam wasn't particularly helpful. But, he did have one piece of constructive criticism for me:
"Ummm maybe not told everyone my dick looked like the sausages on the BBQ the morning after."
We had sex at a field party. I made a comment about his penis looking like a Richmond sausage on the BBQ. It spread like wildfire around school and he was nicknamed "Richmond sausage" for the next two years. I regret it. Sorry Sam.
'We had sex and then you never messaged again'
Chris, good friend and one night stand last summer
I had sex with Chris last summer multiple times in one day and then wasn't feeling it, so never hit him back. Somehow we've managed to remain really close friends though, so asking him about this was no big deal at all.
"Turned up drunk!!! Had to have some wine to not be nervous, rly lovely time very intimate, but then we had sex nine times in one day and u never messaged me again. What did I do wrong?"
I think we'll leave it at that.
Overall, it transpires that I'm very forward, a bit hot and cold, kinda mean and bad with money. As much as asking for this feedback was an enlightening experience, I already knew all of that.
I wouldn't recommend this to anyone because really if you try hard enough to guess, you probably already know your own biggest flaws. However, it was fun to do purely because it felt like a ballsy power move and it gave me a mild ego boost. Thanks boys, I'll take it all on board.