The United Kingdom of Fuckboys: A very handy guide to every single one in the country
They’ll get you every. single. time.
Anywhere you go there are fuckboys waiting to ruin your life. What seemingly started as an American thing, has expanded to the UK and managed to reach the heights of Aberdeen and infiltrate the small British towns of Colyton and Featherstone.
Although fuckboys have now become a universal phenomenon, there are differences in how they'll fuck you over, from one area to another.
The fine women of our country deserve better and we're here to do them a service. So, we present to you the United Kingdom of Fuckboys, in fact file form:
The Essex Fuckboy
The Essex fuckboy will ask if he can give you a kiss at the most awkward time during a date. You're at the restaurant, the mains have just arrived and then he'll randomly go "give me a kiss then." Bleurgh.
What they wear: Questionably tight ripped jeans and t-shirts that are way too small for them. White jeans to accentuate their tans. They also drowse themselves in aftershave, so that their smell lingers on – forever.
What they do on the weekend: Go to Club 195 or Faces, to stalk out girls he's been DMing on Insta.
Deepest insecurity: Not earning enough money in their life to own a 4×4.
Celeb inspiration: Kem from Love Island
How he will fuck you over: Cheat on you on a boys' night out.
Favourite sex position: The Scissors.
What their profile picture looks like: A picture of him looking smart at the top of the Shard. Watch gleaming.
Their Tinder bio: “Work hard, play harder"
The Newcastle Fuckboy
These fuckboys are the last true relic of metrosexuality in Britain. Whether spotted around toon in the day or in Tup Tup, they'll always have tall, well-groomed hair, a tan and threaded eyebrows.
On your date they will abrasively ask: "Do you spit or swallow?" It's because, guys from Newcastle are sexually childish, always comparing how big their dicks are or measuring how long the sex lasted.
What they wear: Unheard of sports brands, with names like “11 degrees". They also carry around a big carry on bag like they're just off to Ayia Napa at any moment but I'm pretty sure they're just popping to the shop. The ripped denim jacket is a staple.
What they do on the weekend: Going to the gym. Somehow it's never leg day.
Deepest insecurity: Not pulling or having a penis that doesn't measure up and everyone finding out.
Celeb inspiration: Aaron or Gaz from Geordie Shore.
How he will fuck you over: Gets so mortal he thinks he's pulling you, but it's actually someone else. Isn't sorry.
Favourite sex position: Whatever it is, they're going to be a hundred miles an hour. Like a rabbit.
What their profile picture looks like: Sitting down at a VIP section of a club with loads of drinks on the table. Probably doing the peace sign.
Their Tinder bio: Snapchat: newcastleguy1
The Edinburgh Fuckboy
What they wear: Roll necks, jumpers, scarves, fuckboy glasses and Canada Goose.
What they do on the weekend: Read philosophers by the warm fire. Alone.
Deepest insecurity: Going out with someone from “new money".
Celeb inspiration: Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
How he will fuck you over: Say you're on different “intellectual" levels.
Favourite sex position: The Flat Iron.
What their profile picture looks like: They're at an art gallery, staring longingly at a Matisse.
Their Tinder bio: “I'm love sick and sick of this love game."
The Welsh Fuckboy
What they wear: Cream chinos, black jeans, nice Ralphies and a blazer.
What they do on the weekend: Play rugby, go to watch the rugby, talk about rugby.
Deepest insecurity: Being shit at Rugby.
Celeb inspiration: Leigh Halfpenny.
How he will fuck you over: He'll send a picture of you and rate you in his boys' group chat.
Favourite sex position: The Wheelbarrow.
What their profile picture looks like: Professional pic of him in the club, in the middle of two mates who look identical to him, with his shirt open.
Their Tinder bio: Three rugby ball emojis.
The Surrey Fuckboy
Boys from Surrey will either tell you they're from London or pretend to live a “proper" countryside lifestyle.
What they wear: Quilted jackets, cream Ralph Lauren pullovers, wayfarers and wellies.
What they do on the weekend: A weekend away at someone's parent's house. There will be clay pigeon shooting.
Deepest insecurity: Someone finding out they're not from London.
Celeb inspiration: Charlie Mills from Made in Chelsea.
How he will fuck you over: His parents will tell him to “focus on his studies" instead of you. Because they make every decision for him.
Favourite sex position: Spooning sex, because they don't really know what they're doing.
What their profile picture looks like: Walking through the wild with their dog. There's always a dog.
Their Tinder bio: 21, London/Newcastle.
The Manchester Fuckboy
What they wear: Bomber jackets and tight jeans, open shirts on nights out, with Rayban round sunglasses.
What they do on the weekend: Go to the Warehouse Project to get absolutely fucked.
Deepest insecurity: Someone saying London is better.
Celeb inspiration: Dom from Love Island.
How he will fuck you over: Ditches you for a girl who is more of a sesh head.
Favourite sex position: Mountain Climber.
What their profile picture looks like: Him and his crew at a festival, all of them bent forward ever so slightly so their tops go baggy and their legs look teeny.
Their Tinder bio: “0161 – Manny on the map".
The Leeds Fuckboy
See Manchester but without the flashy footballer vibe.
The East London Fuckboy
What they wear: Stretchy white t-shirts and silly hats like those condom beanies that don't cover your ears and baker hats. Everything they wear just drapes.
What they do on the weekend: Go to Broadway market and perfect their Instagram aesthetic. They also play a useless instrument like the ukulele.
Deepest insecurity: Being enticed into a debate about gentrification, because then they have to pretend they care about it.
Celeb inspiration: King Krule
How he will fuck you over: He'll want to try being in an “open relationship" when he's too wet to tell you he doesn't like you anymore.
Favourite sex position: Goes down on you, but gets nowhere.
What their profile picture looks like: A disposable camera image of them in Berlin.
Their Tinder bio: ///// I make films and (insert cool shit) for a living. @wokeboyldn \\\\\
The South London Fuckboy:
The South London fuckboy is perpetually mysterious, but there's nothing actually that mysterious about him. He's the type of guy to say "if you know, you know" and pretend he's from "ends" when he's from Herne Hill or Dulwich.
What they wear: Carhartt, Nike Air Max 95, chains, (ironic) football shirts.
What they do on the weekend: Filming concept videos for Instagram.
Deepest insecurity: Realising they sound like every other South London rapper there is.
Celeb inspiration: Loyle Carner
How he will fuck you over: Say he needs to focus on his career as a rapper.
Favourite sex position: Doggy – he's assertive.
What their profile picture looks like: “Modelling" his own clothing line with his gang gang – all posed on different levels, of course.
Their Tinder bio: 21, SE13, looking for a girl to vibe with.
The West London Fuckboy:
What they wear: Genuine signet rings, aviator jackets and shirts, 24/7. He has a shirt for every occasion.
What they do on the weekend: Mahiki with the boys.
Deepest insecurity: Card declining or dating a girl who isn't from SW1.
Celeb inspiration: Oliver Proudlock
How he will fuck you over: He'll just hook-up with someone else he was introduced to by a mutual friend. And not realise he's done anything wrong.
Favourite sex position: He'll want you to go on top, because he never does any of the work.
What their profile picture looks like: Obnoxious picture of him skiing in really expensive gear. Two blonde girls on either side.
Their Tinder bio: West London/Chamonix. 🍸🍻🍹
The Glaswegian Fuckboy
What they wear: A good parka, it's cold up there. T-shirts, usually Lyle and Scott or Hollister.
What they do on the weekend: Goes mad wiit and takes a lot of ket.
Deepest insecurity: He has none. He's just so loose he doesn't care.
Celeb inspiration: Ewan McGreggor in Trainspotting.
How he will fuck you over: He'll be too mental for you.
Favourite sex position: Anal.
What their profile picture looks like: A picture of them in Sanctuary, very much on the sesh.
Their Tinder bio: Don't swipe right if you don't like the sesh.
The Northern Irish Fuckboy
What they wear: I'm sorry but everything they wear is brown. Brown leather jacket, flared jeans and brown loafer shoes when they're winding down it's O'Neills.
What they do on the weekend: Getting hammered and listening to very aggressive hip hop.
Deepest insecurity: Someone not thinking his accent is the sexiest thing ever.
Celeb inspiration: Jamie Dornan
How he will fuck you over: He would just rather hang out with the boys, because he thinks girls aren't funny.
Favourite sex position: The Mantis.
What their profile picture looks like: Absolutely having it large with the boys in Limelight.
Their Tinder bio: “Up for good craic."
The Countryside Fuckboy
The countryside fuckboy loves banter and will regularly use the word “seshlehem". He'll get boozy on high-end whisky and will whip out the coke when the time is right. He is a bit of a chameleon to outsiders but a massive Tory when around his home mates.
What they wear: Chelsea boots and Barbour are a staple and he will wear flat caps unironically.
What they do at the weekend: Hunt balls and Young Farmers events, everything takes place in a barn. Also enjoys the races and ale-tasting.
Deepest insecurity: Getting in a debate with a liberal.
Celeb inspiration: Boris Johnson.
How he will fuck you over: You'll find out he voted Leave, and you'll leave him.
Favourite sex position: Static missionary. Gets the job done.
What their profile picture looks like: Flat cap, cigar, tweed, a number of dead pheasants in his hand.
Their Tinder bio: “Looking for a sophisticated woman who loves fresh air, walks in the country and red wine."
The South Western Fuckboy
Regram @jamindustries01 #thankyou to everyone who has become a part of the jam journey this year and shopped with us. Being a small business with no money every sale makes a difference and we are grateful to everyone who has purchased! We have now opened TWO stores and have had our biggest year on record. We are incredibly grateful to our staff, our factories and most importantly our customers for keeping our dream going. This year we will be introducing more products and releasing more content than ever before. We will be doing as much as possible to drag as many of you as possible to our coastal stores, so you can experience the real thing! We look forward to meeting as many of you as possible and we wish you all a great 2017.
What they wear: Loose fleeces, three quarter length shorts. They usually have a terrible sense of fashion but they're so fit, they get away with it.
What they do on the weekend: Listen to Ben Howard and surf to get over a heartbreak.
Deepest insecurity: Having to move away more than 30 minutes away from the surf.
Celeb inspiration: Andy Jordan.
How he will fuck you over: Ditch you for a middle-aged woman, because he's old and soppy beyond his years.
Favourite sex position: Up against the wall, he's outdoorsy.
What their profile picture looks like: An action shot of them surfing.
Their Tinder bio: “Love travelling. Want to meet someone to go rock climbing with."
The Birmingham Fuckboy
What they wear: They sport slick haircuts, wear their caps weirdly on the crown of their head. Without a doubt they'll be wearing big headphones around their neck.
What they do on the weekend: Playing FIFA with the boys and listening to grime.
Deepest insecurity: Finishing too early in bed or not having the latest trainers.
Celeb inspiration: Mike Skinner
instaHow he will fuck you over: He's a boy's boy and doesn't want to include you, sorry.
Favourite sex position: Reverse cowgirl, because he gets an excellent view of your arse.
What their profile picture looks like: Suit on, two bottles of Ciroc in hand, eyes looking away from camera.
Their Tinder bio: “On the grind" *money flying away emoji*.
The Liverpool Fuckboy
What they wear: Short sleeved shirts with the top button done up. He'll gel his hair a bit too much for the club and wear really sharp shoes.
What they do on the weekend: Concert Square, every weekend, without fail. Same clubs, same people.
Deepest insecurity: Ending up with someone their mum doesn't like.
Celeb inspiration: Steven Gerrard.
How he will fuck you over: He's sending nudes to a girl you knew from school.
Favourite sex position: Girl on top, because the girls in Liverpool are hot.
What their profile picture looks like: In a really neat posed line, just like the girls, minus the teapotting.
Their Tinder bio: “Liverpool FC fans only."
The Market Town Everyman Fuckboy
The market-town fuckboy from Hertofordshire, Northumberland or Kent has just got into MK and says stuff like “norrrrty" and “yes lad", whilst using the 👌 emoji. He's the kind of guy who would refuse to split the bill on the first date.
What they wear: White jeans, polo shirts, shirt with a jumper over on a night out. And Superdry or Hollister when he's about town.
What they do on the weekend: Go to Nandos with the boys, and go round town, still beeping at girls in his car. He enjoys booth clubbing and going to Slug and Lettuce.
Deepest insecurity: Having to move out or pay rent to his parents.
Celeb inspiration: Gareth Bale.
How he will fuck you over: Say he can't be in a serious relationship, cause he's going to Reading fest this summer and expects to get laid, multiple times.
Favourite sex position: Missionary, he's not very experienced.
What their profile picture looks like: Doing the 'shaka' in a club photo.
Their Tinder bio: “Just come out of a six year relationship, looking for a girl to have cheeky banter with, no fatties please."