Hairdrying knickers and £4 frappuccinos: Mistakes Lancaster first-years make at uni

There’s no “First Year for Dummies”. Instead, we present you this article, clouded with humiliating first-hand experience (we shall call it immersive reporting) and cringeworthy stories from mates (we shall call it research).

Here are the seven mistakes that every Lancaster first-year makes at uni:

1. Saying “I’m never drinking again” only to embarrassingly backtrack same time next week

Hangxiety makes people say things that they absolutely do not mean. 

In my eyes, hangxiety is a mini New Years. It forces people into that detestable “resolution” mindset. Raise your hand if you have genuinely upheld any resolution that you vowed to fulfill on the 1st of any January. If your hand is raised, then firstly, congratulations (I envy you, rare specimen) and secondly, I am willing to bet serious money that you only succeeded in fulfilling your public resolution (not that secret resolution that we all have but won’t tell anyone about because that would mean we actually have to fulfil it under the threat of being held accountable). 

So yes, hangxiety is a mini New Years. It makes you embarrassingly declare “I’m never drinking again”, with full sincerity which is the worst part, whilst all of your housemates stand resolute in their claim that they will indeed see you in Sugar again in a little less than seven days’ time. They are absolutely right.

2. Either underpacking or overpacking

Funnily enough, it is unlikely that you will need 52 different sizes of blister plaster and you may actually need more than six pairs of socks.

If anything, first year is the ultimate game of trial and error. You learn as you go, especially when it comes to learning what not to pack. Unbeknownst to me, I did not need enough hairspray to replicate the 80s’ contribution to the hole in our ozone layer. However, I could have done with packing more than one fork.

3. Buying a £4 coffee every day and then wondering where all your money went

That frappa-latta-double-choco-caramel-cino can indeed be enticing for the taste buds. However, it is a silent killer. Its strain on your bank account is a creeping one, surreptitiously draining your funds, £4 at a time (not to mention that extra 50p flake on top, that’s the real perpetrator here).

Most first-years are no strangers to the desire for a cheeky coffee break after a one-hour lecture that felt like three. Yes, anything with a hint of pumpkin spice in it may appear to cure your October uni blues but don’t let it fool you, those caffeine fixes rack up a hefty bill.

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4. Skipping one lecture, realising “wait, I can do this all the time” and setting of a regrettable, yet canonical, domino effect

On Lancaster campus, where we lay our scene, a troubled first year halts their alarm to return to their dream. This first-year mistake unfolds like a tragedy in five acts:

1. The thought of that Thursday 9am where you are far too hungover to even attempt the stairs in a three-hundred-capacity lecture theatre is what spawns the tempting thought: it’s only one lecture, I’ll just watch the Panopto recording.
2. Spoiler alert: you will in fact not watch the recording.
3. Instead, you will establish a routine of telling yourself “eh, it’s only one” until it becomes far, far more than “only one”.
4. Then the guilt arrives (usually around the time where you overhear a rant about tuition fees in the Coastal queue – en route for your aforementioned daily coffee – or are greeted with a timely Instagram reel about “locking in” and making use of that tuition you’re paying nine and a half grand for).
5. The final act in this canonical tragedy of a first-year is host to that all-important interaction: you set eyes on your course mate, prepared to ask for their notes from the previous three lectures in the hopes that they will be your academic salvation, only to discover that they too had fallen victim to the brief curse of voluntary unattendance. 

5. Procrastinating washing until you have nothing to wear

My housemates and I were caught one too many times at the basin washing our underwear by hand and relying on the (seemingly at the time) God-like power of a hairdryer in first year.

The worst thing about this almighty mistake is that, like the £4 coffees that quietly stack up, an empty wardrobe is upon you before you realise it. It’s only when you go to grab your trusty black tee and are redirected to the wash basket that you realise just how bad the situation has gotten.

6. Thinking all of your flatmates will clean up after themselves

HA! Shame on you for thinking basic human hygiene was something you would find whilst living at uni. Apparently, student accommodation cannot truly be classed as “legit” without having been decorated with mouldy pots and pans, a splash of last month’s milk and a half-licked spoon of yoghurt (that now presides, pride of place, on the communal kitchen table).

7. Buying a brand new outfit for every single night out

It turns out that no one at uni actually cares if you re-wear your New Look halter neck. You will also come to learn that Wednesday socials do not require 100 per cent commitment every week. Yes, you will find Grizedale cowboys who appear to have just stepped off a John Wayne film set roaming the streets of Lancaster but next to them, another student clad in jeans, a white t-shirt and a £3 Stetson-style hat from Amazon.

Besides, Wednesday social nights tend to turn out cheaper than you may expect (or at least I assume so having seen a group of students rocking bin bags last Wednesday whilst waiting for their kebab).

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