Your year at the University of Bristol wrapped: A satirical recap of memorable moments

Once more, we are treated to the humiliation ritual that is Spotify Wrapped – but what if it was Bristol Uni inspired? We are here to unpack just how much time you’ve spent crying in the ASS to questionable spending habits, here’s your year in review:

Your Year in Review:

• Hours spent queuing in Cotham Post Office to do a mere ASOS return: 13.5 hours. You could’ve watched Shrek five times instead.
• Tears cried spilled at the ASS desks: 852ml. That’s enough to fill at least three Source Cafe reusable coffee cups.
• Hours spent waiting for an Uber back from the club: 18 hours. You don’t even want to begin to know how much money that is.
• Money spent in the club: … Let’s not even go there.
• Rides on the U1: Four, but only two of them took you where you wanted to go.
• Money spent in Steam: £97.43. Hold tight for that January student loan.
• Times you were told “It’s not even that cold! We don’t need heating!”: 12. Lies detected: 100 per cent.
• Hours procrastinating by scrolling The Bristol Tab: 34. That’s your dissertation done right there.

Top Mentions of the Year:

• Favourite study spot: Wills but only when it’s dark academia core and you actually manage to get that one good table.
• Most overused excuse: “Sorry, Eduroam’s not working.” Your tutor didn’t believe you, but it was worth a try.
• Top takeaway: Jason Donnervan, but you swore you’d quit.
• Library checkouts: Zero. You relied on PDFs and a lot of guesswork. I still don’t know how to print at the uni, let alone take a book out.

Academic Stats:

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• Lectures attended in person: Five. You swore you’d catch up on Replay. Spoiler: you didn’t.
• Seminars participated in: Three, and one was you just nodding in agreement to someone else’s point.
• Essays written 24 hours before the deadline: Seven. Nothing like that 2 am panic for motivation.

Your Social Life:

• Hikes up Park Street: 129. Only about a dozen of them were to actually go to uni, the rest were to go to the Triangle on a night out.
• Nights out cancelled because of rain: Six. You were this close to actually making it to Motion.
• Most played venue: The Old Duke. You’re still pretending you like jazz

Miscellaneous:

• Times you swore you wouldn’t order a takeaway: Nine. Times you ended up doing it anyway: Ten.
• Umbrellas broken by Bristol winds: Four. RIP.
• Pints spilt at the CoriTap: Two, both on your shoes.
• Number of tabs open on your laptop right now: 47, but somehow none of them are useful.

Your Top Genres:

1. Procrastination: Doomscrolling instead of studying.
2. Regret: Submitting your essay with two minutes to spare.
3. Denial: “It’s not that cold; I don’t need a coat, it’ll ruin my outfit.”