We asked ChatGPT to roast every Russell Group uni and it was disturbingly accurate

As ChatGPT has been busy roasting everybody’s Instagram feeds, we thought we’d ask it to roast every Russell Group uni. As freshers get ready to be indoctrinated into their chosen university (or, whichever one they could crawl their way into through Clearing), it’s important they know what they’re letting themselves in for. Plus, it’s funny to read.

We asked ChatGPT to roast every Russell Group uni, and ended up roasting some of its responses in return. Like, why is it so obsessed with the rain?

University of Birmingham

“Famous for its giant clock tower that looms over campus, reminding you just how much time you’ve wasted pretending to study. The real claim to fame here is discovering that the best thing to do in Birmingham is to leave for a weekend.”

I agree that Brum students do have a strange obsession with a very mediocre-looking clock. I’m not quite sure if many Brum students have become overnight celebrities for realising how to leave their cities, though.

University of Bristol

“A city so beautiful, you’ll forget how out of breath you are from climbing all those hills. But don’t worry, the stunning views are a great distraction from the overwhelming realization that your degree in ‘Focaccia-Making’ isn’t quite as employable as you thought.”

I have literally no clue where ChatGPT got this “Focaccia-Making” thing from. Tragically, this is not a degree on offer at Bristol. You can’t even study a more general degree in bread baking. What a letdown.

University of Cambridge

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“Where you spend three years surrounded by history, tradition, and people who think they’re the reincarnation of Newton. It’s the only place where rowing in the freezing cold counts as a “social life,” and knowing Latin feels more useful than your actual degree.”

The college chapels are nearly as big as Cambridge students’ egos

I would like to fact-check this by pointing out that Latin actually is a lot of people’s degrees. I am unable to disprove the claim that Latin is not very useful.

Cardiff University

“Welcome to Cardiff, where it rains more than it’s sunny, and the highlight of your week is deciding whether to learn a few Welsh words or just give up entirely. You’re here to study, but you’ll leave with a minor in “Umbrella Management.””

Dwyt ti ddim yn anghywir. According to ChatGPT, that’s Welsh for “you’re not wrong.” 

Durham University

“The Hogwarts wannabe, where every student clings to the delusion that they’re part of something grander. But deep down, they know they’re just practicing their best “I almost went to Oxbridge” speeches for when they’re back home.”

Stop trying to make ‘Doxbridge’ happen
(Credit: Jocelyn Ramm)

100 per cent true. I hate to break it to you Durham students, but literally nobody uses the word “Doxbridge” other than Durham students who didn’t get into Oxbridge and never got over it.

University of Edinburgh

“An ancient university with equally ancient Wi-Fi and buildings so cold you wonder if central heating was just a myth. The only thing more unpredictable than the weather here is whether you’ll actually make it to graduation without frostbite.”

To be honest, none of the student halls at Edinburgh look particularly ancient or rundown to me, so I’m not quite sure where ChatGPT got this roast from. I’ll trust that it’s cold all the way up there in Scotland, though.

University of Exeter

“Essentially the finishing school for Oxbridge rejects who didn’t want to stray too far from the countryside. It’s where students spend half their time in tweed jackets and the other half pretending they didn’t end up here because it was their insurance choice.”

Lots of Le Creuset dishes and Susie Watson Designs mugs around here
(Credit: Francesca Gunner)

Not wrong. It is a truth universally acknowledged that Durham is for private school students who weren’t clever enough to get into Oxbridge, and Exeter is for private school students who weren’t clever enough to get into Durham.

University of Glasgow

“Studying here is like a constant battle against the elements, where the accent is harder to crack than your exams. But at least you’ll have plenty of time to practice deciphering Scottish slang while waiting for the rain to stop (spoiler: it never does).”

Maybe ChatGPT is an English politician, because it doesn’t seem to think Scotland has any relevance beyond being rainy and cold.

Imperial College London

“The place where social lives go to die and nerd culture reigns supreme. If you’re not drowning in problem sets, you’re probably trying to remember what sunlight feels like while everyone else in London is actually having fun.”

To be honest, “nerd culture reigns supreme” sounds like a massive selling point to me, not a roast. I think Imperial should put that above their entrance in massive golden lettering.

King’s College London

“King’s, where the grand name is about the only thing grand. You’re in the heart of London, but the most exciting part of your day is discovering the one lecture room that isn’t boiling hot or freezing cold.”

ChatGPT seems to be as fascinated by the weather as an elderly British person attempting to make small talk. Surely being “in the heart of London” is a massive plus point, not an insult? Or perhaps not with the horrifying rent prices that students pay there.

University of Leeds

“A university where the nightlife is legendary, mainly because it’s the only thing that keeps students from realizing they’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. Leeds: where the hangovers are real and the lectures are just a distant, fuzzy memory.”

This sounds terrific to me. Did a Leeds Uni student somehow bribe ChatGPT to compliment it instead of roast it? The university should get ChatGPT to write their open day brochures.

University of Liverpool

“Welcome to the city that gave the world The Beatles, and gave you a three-year lesson in why they left. Between the rain and the nightlife, you’ll be too busy drying off or recovering from a night out to remember you’re actually supposed to be getting a degree.”

Okay, that first sentence with the Beatles made me snort with laughter and nearly spit out my tea.

London School of Economics

“LSE: where you’ll learn everything there is to know about capitalism, except how to have fun. The social scene is as cold as the financial theories you’ll study, but at least you’ll be prepared for a career in making rich people richer.”

Is it wrong though? I guess ChatGPT must know quite a lot about making rich people richer.

University of Manchester

“If the constant rain doesn’t drown your spirits, the relentless reminders that “it’s not London” will. But hey, at least you’ll have plenty of time to bond with other students over the shared trauma of never seeing the sun.”

Again with the rain! I have no idea if “it’s not London” is some kind of meme in Manchester or if ChatGPT is yet to become artificially intelligent enough to fully comprehend what a joke is.

Newcastle University

“Newcastle, where the nightlife is as wild as the accents are unintelligible. You’ll spend most of your time freezing, but at least you can comfort yourself with the thought that if you can survive a Geordie winter, you can survive anything.”

I’m not disputing that “the nightlife is as wild as the accents are unintelligible”. I do think that there is more going on in Britain than just complaining about the weather.

University of Nottingham

Looks rather nice to me
(Credit: Pebble Barling)

“The campus is beautiful, as long as you ignore the fact that you’re basically stranded in the middle of nowhere. But don’t worry, there are plenty of trees around to keep you company when you realize how little there is to do here.”

See, I feel like saying that “the campus is beautiful” and “there are plenty of trees” is the opposite of roasting.

University of Oxford

“Oxford, where the only thing more daunting than the workload is surviving the egos of everyone around you. It’s the university where your biggest achievement isn’t getting in, but learning to pretend you enjoy the endless rowing and formal dinners.”

It’s not wrong.

Oxford is pretty but pretty hellish

Queen Mary University of London

“East London has its own charm, if by charm you mean an ongoing identity crisis. Queen Mary tries to act posh, but really it’s just the university that wishes it was in the center of the action but is stuck on the sidelines.”

Um, I would consider being in Zone 2 of the London underground as pretty close to “the centre of the action”.

Queen’s University Belfast

“The weather here is as bleak as the job prospects for graduates who didn’t realize that staying in Northern Ireland wasn’t part of the original plan. You’ll learn to embrace the cold and the endless questions about why you didn’t just go to university in England.”

Shut. Up. About. Weather. Surely ChatGPT can find something else to roast each Russell Group uni for? I’m also not entirety sure what exactly that first sentence means. 

University of Sheffield

“Sheffield, where you’ll develop thighs of steel from climbing all those hills, but still won’t escape the feeling that you’re perpetually lost. The highlight of your day might just be not getting attacked by the geese on campus.”

I asked ChatGPT where the hell these geese came from, and it informed me that “dealing with the geese is one of those unique challenges that everyone who has studied there can relate to. It’s all part of the charm of studying in such a picturesque, if goose-infested, environment!” I am still none the wiser.

University of Southampton

“If you ever wondered what it’s like to live in a port city with the social life to match, Southampton has you covered. The nightlife is almost as dead as the ancient ships in the docks, but at least the sea breeze will keep you awake during lectures.”

The aforementioned Southampton sea breeze

Pretty certain port cities have historically been the only parts of the country where people have social lives. I’m not going to dispute the deadness of the nightlife in Southampton, though. My one night out in Southampton lasted a whooping thirty seven minutes.

University College London

“UCL likes to call itself “London’s Global University,” but let’s be honest—half of your student life is spent just trying to navigate the maze of mismatched buildings. The only thing more scattered than the campus is the administration, and good luck finding a quiet spot to study that isn’t overrun with tourists who think your lecture hall is part of the British Museum.”

ChatGPT actually failed to register that UCL was a Russell Group uni and didn’t write a roast until I prompted it again. I guess that means they win for most forgettable university?

University of Warwick

“Warwick: a university so isolated that you’ll start to believe Coventry counts as a cultural hub. It’s like living in a bubble where the only escape is convincing yourself that “Leamington Spa” is somehow a cool place to be.”

ChatGPT may laugh, but I actually think Leamington Spa looks rather nice in TikToks of people who want to pretend they’re Bridgerton characters.

University of York

“A campus designed by someone who clearly had a vendetta against modern architecture. York’s biggest selling point? Endless geese, grey concrete, and the ever-present fear of slipping into the lake when you’re trying to make it to lectures on time.”

Literally no clue why ChatGPT is so obsessed with geese. I also would have thought that the average Russell Group uni student is clever enough to not walk into a lake (but I guess you never know). The York uni buildings look pretty modern and ugly to me, so I’m not sure where the “vendetta against modern architecture” part came from, either.

Bonus: University of St Andrews 

ChatGPT got a tad confused and wrote a roast for St Andrews, even though it’s not a Russell Group uni.

“Where students spend their days basking in centuries-old traditions and their nights wondering how they ended up in a town with a population smaller than their graduating class. The only thing older than the university is the sense of entitlement that comes with attending it.”

Well, I don’t think that’s wrong. If it’s good enough for William and Kate, then it’s surely good enough for all the nepo baby students out there.

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Feature image credit: Francesca Gunner