Here are eight of the craziest things Exeter students have witnessed in Timepiece

If you thought the price of Venoms was shocking, wait until you hear what some unfortunate students have witnessed in everyone’s favourite wine bar. I asked, and you delivered; you told us some of your TP horror stories, most concerning a worrying amount of urination and heavy petting.

As one student put it “what hasn’t happened in TP?!” and I couldn’t agree more. So, if you’re feeling particularly “hanxious” this morning or suffer from crippling hangxiety in general (relatable), you might find this to be just the cure you need.

via Facebook

1. ‘I saw a guy spreading his bare arse cheeks in top top’

This traumatic event seemed to leave a lasting (scarring) impression on the several poor students who wrote to us about it. If there is a time and a place for unsolicited cheek-spreading, I can guarantee it is not at a Wednesday TP.

2. ‘I heard a guy order nine red Venoms in one go’

If choosing between a downpayment on a small house just outside of London or ordering nine Venoms on a Saturday evening, most would choose the first. However, this individual clearly had no issue spending a small fortune. One can only hope he woke the next morning feeling good about last night’s choices.

3. ‘I saw a girl pull down her trousers and pee in upstairs Old Timers by the bar’

We get it, the line for the toilets is long, and who really wants to spend a fiver just to use the upstairs loos? However, I am not sure anyone can get on board with the idea of using the bar area as a temporary bathroom. It’s gross.

4. ‘I witnessed a guy getting a hand job on the downstairs benches’

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The downstairs benches are not the place for this kind of behaviour. Or any kind of bench. Or ANYWHERE in TP tbh.

5. ‘Overheard a group of people comparing how much their dads make’

Are we really surprised? This is standard Exetah smokers area chat. No wonder clubs in Exeter shut so early, everyone is half asleep by the time they’ve moved on to critiquing their father’s LinkedIn profiles (yawn).

6. ‘Watched a guy get straddled by a girl in top top, magic mike style’

Unlike Magic Mike, I can guarantee no one enjoyed watching this. Take a stroll, grab a taxi, or even book yourself in for a romantic stay-cation at the Mercure if you need to, just please, please get yourselves a room.

via Facebook

 7. ‘Saw two girls weeing on the stairs up to Old Timers’

What is it about urinating in communal Old Timers spaces that is so appealing? Is the piano man’s performance a secret trigger for uncontrollable bladder behaviour or can some of you simply not make it to the toilet in time? Either way, consider this my heartfelt plea: Please refrain from watering the Timepiece floors (I’m begging).

8. ‘A girl was in the club barefoot’

Not only are your toes going to be stepped on by every drunk student dancing to Party in the USA, but you also never know what you may step in (if you’ve read the rest of this article, you will in fact have a pretty good idea of what you might step in).

If you’re still thinking about last weekend’s ropey antics, remind yourself that if you didn’t commit one of the above, you’re probably alright. If you are guilty of any of the aforementioned crimes, perhaps rethink your choices or maybe just stick to eight venoms next time, instead of nine.

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