Clive’s Column #2

“Dear Clive,

I’m seeing this girl and she’s mad keen on Liquid Wednesdays. I personally can’t stand the club or the people in it – obviously we’re so different, should I just break it off?”

Dear Not Underage,

I think the more concerning matter here is that your lady friend is mad keen on a club night that no longer exists. As you may know yourself, being hip and young and down with the kids like I am, Liquid in Aberdeen closed down and was replaced by Institute. So this girl you’re seeing is in fact insane. Or from the past/an alternative universe. If you can, attempt to reverse engineer her time-travelling abilities and kill Hitler before he instigates WWII, you’ll be doing us all a massive favour! At least I think so, I may not be up to date on my time paradoxes…

Don’t rule out the possibility that she is The Doctor in disguise.

“Dear Clive,

I have a friend who has been miserable for quite some time. She hasn’t been able to get a boyfriend because she refuses to go to the gym or use some deodorant, and has the highest of standards. She also wants people to put up with her bullshit. I’ve been trying to help her for 3 years, but she refuses any of my assistance and potential matches. Also, some of the potential matches refuse money. What should I do? She’s been getting pissy recently because I’ve been talking to guys that she might like, and it’s getting on my nerves! Please help Clive!”

Dear Frustrated Friend,

How much are you offering?

P.S. Is she fat and ugly, or just fat?

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I don’t get paid for this column, I’ll work for anything!

“Dear Clive,

A guy down the hall keeps playing really loud music every fucking night. I really want to fuck with him, it’s past complaining to wardens. Any suggestions?”

Dear Whiny Bitch,

I’ll play my music as loud as I damn well please!

P.S. Either move out or buy earplugs, because I’m getting new speakers soon. Have you seen that episode of Breaking Bad in which Jessie buys that massive bad-ass sound system and Badger and Skinny Pete are discussing which kind of zombie would be most difficult to kill (on a side note I don’t understand how zombies can be Nazis, although if they can be my solution to question 1 of this article really isn’t as helpful as I thought…)? Anyway, Jessie gets those speakers, and they are massive! Sub-woofers so big you could house 10 orphans in them! These things could kill a man if you stood too close to them, so I’ll actually be moving out of my flat into yours in order to be able to safely appreciate them. I understand that your guest bed isn’t very comfy, having slept there several times whilst you’ve been away on holiday, so I’ll have to share your double bed with you. I may need the bed to myself occasionally, as I’ve entered into a new business venture which requires me to sleep with people for money (see question 2).  Hopefully you’ve still got some storage space, I’ll need somewhere to put my old speakers.

The delivery guys should be arriving next week. Thanks to Dubdem e FabDub for the Photo

If you have a problem you’d like Clive to help with, write to us at [email protected]. or on Clive Basingstoke’s Facebook page!