How Austin Harrouff’s journals turn his story from a horror to a tragedy
He also Googled ‘Am I crazy?’
We were appalled by the savageness of the attack – he reportedly bit one of their faces, disturbed by his social media, and taken back by his Frat brothers’ reactions. Now, with the release of the young man’s journal entries, we’re upset by the apparent mental breakdown of Austin Harrouff, a boy wrecked by anxiety, and depression.
A Florida native and FSU student, Austin seemed to be an average college sophomore with friends, family and a life. And he was. Like many of us, below the surface, Austin struggled with depression, anxiety and moral dilemma. Unlike many of us, Austin’s struggles were a deeper, and a lot darker.
Recent reports show Austins internet searches in the months before the attack were worrisome. Questions of schizophrenia, depression, and psychosis filled his Google history. Searches like “Am I crazy?”, “I think I am going crazy am I,” “Why it’s ok to overthink things,” and “Schizophrenia” paint a picture familiar to those struggling with mental illness.
“The way I see myself may or may not be be different from the way others see me. I view myself as happy, shy, nice, positive, and I never give up. I view myself as happy because I usually have very few things to feel sad or depressed about.”
“Do you know what it feels like to be so afraid to speak. Becoming a bully because all the bullies bullied me. Fuck man, I just wanted to be accepted. The anxiety I feel inside feels like I internally bleed. So much pain and embarrassment every fucking weak. Looking back it was all in my head. I was a trouble making kid. Made every single teacher flip their lid.”
“You say my big hearts gonna kill me one day, my head roller coasting with these drugs in my brain. So why do it anyways?”
These entries show the internal struggle that Harrouff went through, starting from his mid-teen years. While only Austin knows why he attacked an innocent South Florida couple, we can see he has been battling inside for much, much longer.