Every godawful human being you’ll meet or become on your study abroad in Europe
I just, like, LOVE, London
American tourists are about as popular in Europe as the bubonic plague, or zealous autocrats. Sure, they may think we’re uncultured swine – and they may be right – but why let that blind hatred ruin your chance to soak up some knowledge on study abroad? You’ve ran out of good anecdotes on your campus — it’s time to head across the pond and become one of the following people…
Little Miss WordPress
Week 5: Hey guys! Great to have you back here! Can’t believe I’m already over a month into my time in Madrid, it’s just flying by. I’m sitting in a coffee shop, on my own, writing this for you, my audience of immediate family members and friends who clicked by accident. Because THIS is what being on year abroad is really all about – fatuously posting insights you could read in any terrible travel guide and seeing pictures which might as well be stolen from Instagram. But I know YOU care, because it’s written by ME! And you love ME! OK, time to sign off, got a hot date with crying privately into my bedsheets about the language barrier and wishing I was more interesting. Hasta la vista!
The food fanatic
Like my picture of a tartlet or I’ll slit your philistine throat.
The couple
They’re the most extra couple on your campus, so there’s really only one way a semester abroad could go. Preemptively mute their Instagram or be assaulted hourly by their locks on a Paris bridge, a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene re-enactment, that “she leads me to adventure” Instagram pose, her slutty photos after a huge fight, his Snapchat stories of him pounding shots at the club to get back at her, their very loud and moan-y makeup sex you’ll hear when they accidentally roll over on the “go live” button.
The one who keeps 'accidentally' slipping in local words
Escusez moi! Oh sorry guys, I forgot you guys don't speak French, how careless of moi. I'm just so used to being around native French speakers. You have to correct me next time, otherwise I'll never learn!
The hashtagger
#studyabroad #ineurope #london #bigben #westminster #westminsterlondon #westminsterlondonengland #thequeen #americanabroad #wouldgetunder50likes #withoutthebackupfromdesperatebrands
The one who inserts themselves into any European tragedy
It's remarkable to think, that just two months before this terrible flood in Germany, I was just 350 miles away from buildings that suffered serious damage. If we only knew then what we know now, that the world can be such a cruel place. We were so naïve, so blasé. Ich liebe Deutschland, my heart bleeds for the Rhinelanders.
My heart is forever with this drab East German industrial town
The aggressively American American
World War back-to-back champs baby!! Don’t you ever forget you're drinking freedom wine because of ol’ Uncle Sam. You're welcome by the way, I'll let you just form a line to blow me.
The ‘local’
They’re about as authentically Italian as Papa John's, but they won’t let that stop them from mocking you for visiting “tourist traps” and going on and on about their “motherland.”
The one who got in trouble with the law
I demand my phone call
The one who got into Berghain
“I, like, can’t even describe it.”
Just try.
“Seriously, it’s like beyond words.”
Well, did you-
“Like, oh my God. It was too much, I can’t even…”
The Anglophile
“Oh hello there love,” says Tiffany. She’s lived in Illinois her whole life, except for a brief three weeks at Southampton Solent University on England’s south coast. To the outside observer, she’s a normal college girl with fairly basic tastes. But every now and again, you’ll hear her drop a “mate”, her say how much she loves the smell of rain. Chances are she’ll have a Union Jack poster somewhere in her room and very casually mention how attractive she thinks Balderdick Cumblesnatch is.
The poet
The one who just loves getting wassssssstttteeeeeeeddddd beccaaauusseee thheeee drriiinnnkiinnggg aggggeee issss 18 aaaaahhhhhhh
Whether swilling sangria as she spills a titty, quaffing a stein of weissbrau with both hands or squatting in the streets pissing on her finsta, this gal wants you to remind you that she. is. drunnnnnk!!!! hahaha!! Europe is so liberating, she doesn’t know why the drinking age isn’t 12 everywhere – that is, until she’s spilling her putrid purple vomit into the sink of her rental’s bathroom minutes before class starts.
Santé!
The one with the foreign boyfriend
You didn’t know Romance™ until you met Pascal. With his Gallic tan, chiselled abs and husky, ‘ow-you-say, accent he can get you wetter than the Bay of Biscay with one flick of his eyebrows. He owns you, mind, body and soul – and don’t worry, he definitely isn’t cheating on you. What gave you that idea? All the sex he’s having with other women? That’s just his European way!