If ACC schools were Game of Thrones characters

There’s a sinking feeling in the stomachs of every college student on the East Coast. A sense of an impending doom, a dramatic change in fate after which the world will never be the same. The wise elders in the North may probably puff out their cheeks, narrow their eyes, and look into the distance as they say: “winter is coming”. But we know better — it’s another school year in the ACC on the horizon.

As the cold winds rise, we may find ourselves asking the bigger questions: “Who’s going to make the playoffs this season?” “Will I finally work up the balls to ask out that girl in my OChem class?” And “if ACC schools were characters in Game of Thrones, which characters would they be?” I can’t help you with the first two, my dude — but due to overwhelming popular demand, here’s the answer to the third.

BC – Sansa Stark

You’re not the best and people generally underestimate you — but you’re smart as hell and know how to play the long game. Like with your siblings, out of all the Boston schools you’re least liked but that doesn’t bother you. You know you’ll have your moment one day or you’ll die trying. For now, you’re biding your time in the North with your pale Irish Catholic complexion and red hair, waiting for winter to finally reckon your enemies.

Clemson – Yara Greyjoy

Last year, your Greyjoy squad were on top of the fuckin’ world. National champions, sailing a thousand ships with Deshaun Watson at the prow. The followers you do have are loyal until the end and often shed blood, sweat, and Ironborn tears to preserve your legacy – but your best men have abandoned you and your prospects don’t seem as good as before.

Duke – Cersei Baratheon

The only people who really like you are the ones who weren’t smart enough to get into Duke. Everyone else hates you, and you thrive off it. Voted “most likely to fuck a relative in the interests of bloodline and wealth purity” in your high school yearbook. You’ll be damned if someone comes to steal your glory even though, for a while now, your glory has been fading.

Florida State – Arya Stark

Arguably the best Stark in the bunch, you’re a fan favorite and at the top of the ladder. No-One in Tally can find you at the tailgate, because after chugging a full bag of Franzia, you’re practically Faceless. You recite a series of names every night before you go to sleep – Nick from ZBT is next on the kill list.

Georgia Tech – Samwell Tarly

You spend more time in the library than on the battlefield, but you nonetheless have reputation for rare heroics, whether that’s slaying a White Walker or a last-gasp victory in the ACC. Not as strong as your brother (Dickon/UGA) – but who needs brawn when you’ve got brains? Dickon had brawn and look how that turned out.

Louisville – Littlefinger

Littlefinger knows that few things keep a man occupied quite like plying them with Arbor gold and whores. And if that doesn’t earn him a place on the Louisville coaching staff, I don’t know what will.

Miami – Daenerys Targaryen

You preside over your kingdom from the top of your high rise where you presume the title is yours for the taking. Your family legacy precedes you and even though people don’t know “the real you”, they don’t like you. You spent a long time waiting on boats, either to transport you to your rightful kingdom, or to dance around on for your sorority recruitment video. From your platinum blonde hair to your dragon (tattoos), people may believe you’re a superficial bitch but fuck what they think, you’re fire. Literally.

NC State – Theon Greyjoy

You’ve had your popular moments, but mostly, people feel a bit sorry for you. Not that big on drinking or leading that wild lifestyle anymore, and a lot of the bigger players in the conference think that mean you don’t have balls. You try, sometimes, but even your best efforts usually fall a bit short. You’re still hoping for a comeback. If you can muster up enough courage, that is.

Pitt – Jon Snow

Truly the Bastard of the ACC, people don’t quite understand how you’re in it, why you’re in it, or where the fuck you came from. But that’s fine because you’re more comfortable as the underdog, anyway. You thrive in the cold and no-one beats on you quite like you beat on yourself. Everyone overlooks you but what they don’t know is that this snow bastard is actually the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, you just need to want it badly enough.

Syracuse – Tormund Giantsbane

More comfortable in the frosty north than anyone else, and only people who really have a death wish tangle with you. No-one rocks orange better than you do and your height makes for a 10/10 basketball player. You dream of one day scoring that tall, leggy blonde but she’s more interested in someone that actually wins, like Jaime.

UNC – Tyrion Lannister

Widely known as one of the smartest folks in the realm, you know how to play the game. You’re constantly looking for ways to screw over Duke/Cersei and take pleasure in seeing them fall. Your excessive partying and drinking habits would be alarming except for the fact that you also ace your exams. Makes it hard to hate you but don’t worry, people still do.

UVA – Melisandre of Asshai

“The night is dark and full of terrors,” you warn people. Yeah, you’re damn right it is, with all the fanatics and flaming torches parading through your beautiful campus. If you predicted an ACC championship this year, perhaps you may want to consult your flames more closely.

Virginia Tech – Jaime Lannister

One of the most esteemed warriors in all the Seven Kingdoms/ACC, but that hasn’t seen you win too many titles lately because you’ve been kinda sketchy on offense. Maybe that golden hand isn’t helping your throwing arm?

Wake Forest – Bran Stark

Perhaps not the most athletic name on the list, but you are very smart (some would say too smart), small in stature, and you’re hidden in the mountains. And people think you have a penchant for making up fantastical creatures, whether the Children of the Forest, White Walkers, or whatever the fuck a Demon Deacon is.