Barbie is totally gay, people

Alright, let’s stop catering to this hegemonic ideal of Barbie as a boring-ass basic straight, giving dome to Ken every night.

Barbie was created in 1959, and in 1960 we had our first fashion editor Barbie. In 1963, our first executive.

In 1965 Barbie took the leap to space, and astronaut Barbie was born. Eight years later, we were gifted with a surgeon Barbie, MD. From there, Barbie went on to become a NASCAR driver, a police officer, and a presidential candidate. So why the hell can’t Barbie be queer as fuck?!

Let’s look at the facts. It is universally accepted (in my head) that Ken “cardigan” Carson is as gay as the night is dark.

Now I’m not saying all gays have amazing hair, brows and pant creases, but I am saying most straight guys don’t know how to do their own laundry. Proof? I am more of a straight man than most of the straight men I know, and I do not know how to do my own laundry.

In 1964, Ken’s “friend” Allan was even introduced, in a box that read “All of Ken’s clothes fit him!”

Allan is a hunk, and if all of my clothes fit him, I would be a hotter me, but also, I too would look like this.

We feel you, Ken.

But I don’t think Barbie is some damsel in distress — trapped in a marriage she’s not content in. No, Barbie and Ken are beards for one another. Barbie existed before ken, and she can exist without him; she just likes having him around – they’re friends, and it keeps the family from prying.

But in her free time, she can be found on a “date” at the MOCA with openly gay contemporary artist, Mickalene Thomas, known for her work which examine ideas around beauty, race, sexuality and gender.

I’m not saying this isn’t a coincidence, but it’s definitely not a coincidence. Mickalene took her to her art opening! I’ve been to a museum on a date before, and you can’t stare at contemporary art in confusion with one another and not feel something else there.

This isn’t the first queer artist Barbie has admired in her time either. Earlier this year, she was spotted ogling the work of Ellsworth Kelly, a gay American painter, sculptor, and printmaker.

A fashion icon on her own, Barbie has been known for flirting with androgyny – the combination of masculine and feminine characteristics, in her everyday wear. This particular style is notorious for being a way in which many feel comfortable expressing their gender identity, sexual identity, or sexual lifestyle.

Mattel stands by the fact Barbie is not in fact queer, but a picture says a thousand words.

We support you whatever your gender representation, Barbie.