It’s official: Here are the types of Warwick students to avoid at freshers

He’s from West London and has no bed sheets? Then he’s probably not the love of your life

Spoiler alert: Freshers week is not going to be the most incredible, life-changing experience ever. In my opinion, it’s definitely over-hyped – you’re probably not going to meet lifelong friends during these five days, or drink your weight in alcohol, and that’s okay! You’re entering a new, scary environment with hundreds of new faces. Not all of these new faces are friends, so here’s short list of people to look out for and stay away from. Be warned: they’re either just trying to get laid or get you to join their society. Or, they’re just plain weird.

1. Mullets

I had never met a man with a mullet until I came to Warwick. They are everywhere. Curly ginger ones, scraggy blonde ones, stupidly long brunette ones – name a type of mullet and you’ll find it in the SU club. Definitely not speaking from personal experience but I find it’s always best to avoid any man who decided to grow out his mullet. Lord knows what secrets he’s hiding in there.

2. Economics students

Fresh off their Summer internship, econ boys believe the sun shines out their arseholes. They’re the kind of people to argue that you can ‘separate the artist from the art’. Just admit you’re an Andrew Tate fan and listen to Kanye West religiously – then we can move on with our lives. Oh, and please stop aggressively explaining to us why we can’t print more money to save the economy – no one asked.

3. Post-grads

You mean to tell me you have a wife and three kids, a mortgage to pay, a full-time job, and you’ve attended every Fresher event this week? Run. Run for the hills. They may tempt you with the promise of free drinks but do not fall into this trap. I’ve met plenty of lovely, friendly post-grads – however those making an effort to attend Fresher ice-breaker events to ‘make friends’ should be avidly avoided.

4. The gap year girls

Nothing will ever be enough for the girls who have been on a ‘gap yah’, so it’s best to avoid getting your heart broken by someone who will leave you for a Cornwall boy who’s surfed once in his life. No sunset will ever match the one they saw in Costa Rica while saving turtles, no drink will ever taste as good as the fresh coconut water they had in the Amazon Rainforest. And no conversation will ever be as spiritual and meaningful as when they were personally blessed by a Tibetan monk.

5. ‘I’m actually a BNOC’

Campus culture is intense at Warwick, and you’ll soon realise how easy it is to run into the same people again and again in the SU. You’re claiming to be well known at a campus university because you danced salsa once on the piazza, and you’ve written one Tab article? Get a grip.

Me, dancing salsa on the piazza. I’m not a BNOC though, I’m just really talented x

6. Tories

Enough said really. They’ll constantly remind you they’re from Zone 2 in London and ‘Zone 6 isn’t even really London, can you even use an Oyster card there?’ Though I must add if you want free drinks, these are the people to hunt for – mummy and daddy’s trust fund will be financing everyone’s nights. Tuck in!

7. The guy who takes his top off at every club

Baywatch is a wonderful Warwick tradition you will soon be horribly exposed to. It consists of slippery fish crushing you to death while being thrashed on the head by arms and legs. In other words, the guys take their shirts off and swing them around above them. There are a small group of men who insist on taking their shirts off every time, even if it’s not Baywatch, to show off their huge shoulders and toned abs, aka man boobs. You went to the gym! Congrats. You can put your shirt back on now.

Overall, freshers week is a new, terrifying, overwhelming, hilarious couple of days and you should make the most of every opportunity. Don’t waste your money on £50 wristbands for events that don’t even happen, and don’t be tempted to get with a rugby boy just because he’s over 5’8. I’m over 5’8, it’s not an achievement.

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