A definitive guide on actually finding your friends in the Main Library

So you don’t have to walk around aimlessly like a sad loser x

Hello and welcome to my TED Talk. I don’t know if this is a common problem or if my friends and I are just thick, but trying to figure out where your mates are actually sat is such a demoralising practice. Doing the slow walk, scanning desks for a familiar forehead or hair colour, looking like a deranged stalker, is not the vibe I want to give anymore.

Also, you can tell who has good eye sight and doesn’t have to deal with this problem when they give you vague as hell directions, such as, ‘I’m by the column at the back of fourth’. Like, what? The back of what though, the building is a square and the back of it is subjective, and there’s like 15 columns so get a grip. If you give me vague directions like that then I’m not coming, get your Nile Valley wrap by yourself and I hope you trip on your way there.

So, as the good Samaritan that I am, I have compiled a set of directions on how to perfectly explain your location to your mates, so they don’t have to sit by themselves and actually be productive.

Trying to spot my favourite coffee break buddy

Step One: Floor

This one is self explanatory, but necessary to mention as this is supposed to be a fool-proof guide. Although if they say basement I wouldn’t bother trying to find them, they probably won’t be able to converse with other human beings unless it’s through discord or reddit.

They literally need pictures of nature to remind them of the outside world – what is going on here?

Step Two: Side

Right, let me straighten something out. There are four sides to the main lib. The one at the entrance will for now on be known as GEORGE SQUARE SIDE. Okay? We’re all following? I haven’t lost anyone? Good.

Pointing to the east staircase which takes you to NEWINGTON SIDE

The one that over looks Upland Roast is now known as UPLAND ROAST SIDE. The side that looks out onto the Meadows is quite obviously going to be MEADOWS SIDE and finally, last but not least, the side that looks out on Arthurs Seat, is ARTHURS SEAT SIDE – or you could use Newington Side if you wanted to be edgy like the people who live there.

Step Three: Area

Now, there are obviously different areas on the sides of the lib, and there are also middle sections that need to be properly named. The area outside the lifts with all the computers, shock horror, is the computer area! On fourth there are two so maybe specify if you’re in the lift computer area or the meadows side computer area. Also, quite obviously, there are the high chair areas. One that over looks Upland Roast and one that over looks Arthurs Seat. It is important to say which you are at, and it is also important that you stop sitting here you psychopath the high chairs are so uncomfortable how to you get anything done.

Arthur’s Seat side! you can tell because it looks out onto that ugly roof thing. Notice how no one sits here except as a last resort.

Also, there are areas on the ground floor, you have to indicate if you’re in a pod or at the window desks or in the comfy chair area. Likewise, on the first floor you need to say whether you’re in the balcony area, the area that has the hot water tap, or the area with computers.

Tea break! But you can use the landmark that is the hot water tap to tell people where you are.

On fourth there is an area that my friends and I call the rowers side, which is the centre desks in the Arthurs seat / Meadows side corner. It is named this because it is where the rowing team sit. I would avoid it personally but to each their own.

Entering rowing territory, who else is scared?

Step Four: Row

If one is sat in a particularly dense area at peak library time, and your mate is particularly shit at finding you, it might be useful to specify which row you are, or where you are in relation to the sides. So if you’re in the middle, say middle, or X number of rows from Arthurs Seat side, etc.

This is how you’ll feel after you use these steps to conquer library directions – invincible


Just to make sure we’re all still following (I know we’re all highly intelligent university of Edinburgh students, but this is a complex science and I want to make sure my material is being understood) I will do an example with the steps so far:

Right now, I am sat, third floor meadows side window desks middle rows.

Glad we’re all following. Please note that COLUMNS are not included in this process. They don’t help anyone find you, stop using them as landmarks. You’d be the first to die on a Duke of Edinburgh expedition, you disoriented clown.

My face when I have to call my friend for more specific directions and they’re not helping

And that’s it, if you still can’t find your friends after that much guidance then I think it might be time to accept that your mates are probably imaginary and don’t exist like a Shutter Island / Fight Club type sitch. Or maybe you need to go to Specsavers because my process is genius, and a statue should be erected in my honour for the service I am providing Edinburgh Uni students with.

Related articles recommended by this writer: