Location, location, location: Rating Avoriaz’s steamiest ski cough shag spots

Are those your ski poles or are you just happy to see me?

2 years ago

Skiing eh, so that’s what the kids are calling it these days. Pfft, we all know you horrible lot were ploughing far more than just snow in the mountains last weekend.

UBSC literally organises a naked ski run on each trip, are you really surprised to hear that it’s members are this thirsty? Anyway, our Tab moles went undercover in Avoriaz, disguised as posh twats in salopettes and pit vipers, and we did some digging on all the hotspots you horndogs got busy. This is top investigative journalism.

The results varied, with some resembling the steady reliable nature of a green slope, and others the thrill (and perhaps fear for your life) of a black slope: from braving the elements behind the bins, to joining the 0.25-mile-high club in the Gondolas, here’s our review of all your top-rated shag spots of Avoriaz 2022.

Double bed: 2/10

Boring contribution. What are you an old married couple? Bet you didn’t even ski. The sex equivalent of water, ready salted crisps, and a ham and cheese sandwich in a meal deal. Do better. Maybe ski trip isn’t for you, try ultimate frisbee instead? Actually even that might be a bit too ultimate for you.

Toilets: 3/10

I can understand why this might be a necessity if perhaps your flatmates were in, needs must and all that. But still, a pretty sub-par choice: stinky, lack of space and defo more exciting options that don’t involve looking down a toilet bowl wondering why you let yourself get this close to a wasteland (wasteman) rep.

Pull-out bed under the sofa: 4/10

Okay, heating up a little bit on the steamy-scale. Bonus points if your flatmates are still in the room and those broken slats on the bed frame certainly would have livened things up. Say goodbye to your deposit. I hope your pull-out game was more up to speed than the difficulty with which the mattress pulls out from under the sofa though; the last thing we need is more silly rich kid procreation.

In the ski locker room: 7/10

Unsure if this was in an actual locker or just the ski locker room. Regardless, credits to you for pulling this off in such confined spaces. Lots of people were walking around that room with very moist socks and the idea of having sex in the vicinity of soggy socks is unsettling. Would also be a bit scared that someone could break and enter at any minute, but what’s life without a little danger I guess!

Portaloo: 8/10

Stink factor strikes once again! Sources confirmed that the portaloo outsiders actually held hands over the top of the door with one of the coitus party members, so this was essentially a threesome: triple points!

This is actually quite terrible. The queue to get in is bad enough as it is, so this was not very democratic of you and unfair on us noble festival-goers who simply needed a piss in the middle of Shy FX’s set. Just for the sheer bravery you’ve got to respect it.

Behind the bins, just down the road from Hermines: 9/10

Well clearly these guys love recycling! Can actually confirm there were TWO behind-the-bins cases so looks like it’s a more popular choice than expected. Maybe something about the stench gets the people going. The French call it l’essence du poubelle I heard.

On the balcony: 9/10

Ah yes a screw with a view: you get to view the glorious mountain scenery and everyone else gets to view you from their own balcony. Tres risqué, I wouldn’t be too surprised if you stumble upon your own sex tape on twitter after an exhibitionist stunt like this. Very profound shagspot.

Gondola: 10/10

Initially I didn’t believe this, thinking it was impossible for one to remove all their ski gear; skis included, and mount someone in such a short time frame. I then quickly realised I was thinking of a ski lift and gondolas are actually those enclosed pods where your skis are indeed removed. In which case, sex in a gondola is a very impressive achievement and I applaud the happy couple. That’d be one hell of a conception story.