We asked ChatGPT what each Russell Group uni should get for Christmas and it’s so unhinged

Because every student needs a monocle or a baguette survival kit

5 months ago

Term is finally nearly over for Christmas thank the LORD. But as you’re submitting your last essay you realise you never sent your mum that Christmas list that she’s probably been hounding you for for the last three weeks. But besides a holiday, a first in your degree, a massive extension on your diss or a huge box of Elf Bars, your mind is literally blank.

Well, we’ve already asked our old friend ChatGPT the stereotype of all Russell Group uni students, as well as a uni packing list or advice on how to make friends at uni and it’s safe to say its answers are interesting. So, if you’re really stuck, ChatGPT might actually be able to help. So get your list at the ready!

This is what ChatGPT thinks each Russell Group uni student should get for Christmas:

Birmingham

“How about a pigeon stand-up comedy workshop where students can learn to deliver punchlines with the same level of cheeky sass as the campus birds? It’s a surefire way to add a feathered touch to their public speaking skills.”

Since when were the Birmingham pigeons riffing off with sweet, sweet jokes?

Bristol

“How about a ‘Bristol Baguette Survival Kit’ – complete with a map of the city’s best baguette spots and a telescopic fork for fending off fellow students vying for the last avocado and hummus sandwich at the campus café?”

What is going on with Bristol baguettes and what can you do to help x

Cambridge

“Of course, a college crest tattoo set for those moments when they want to take college pride to a whole new (and potentially regrettable) level. It’s the perfect funny and festive gift to keep Cambridge students laughing through their quest for academic excellence!”

Okay but, having their college logo tattooed on them is something Cambridge students would genuinely do.

Cardiff

“How about a personalised dragon onesie – because every Cardiff student deserves to feel like the mythical guardian of their own procrastination kingdom!”

Ordering one right now x

Durham

“How about a monocle with a built-in tea infuser, ensuring they can properly appreciate a cuppa while discussing the finer points of their latest essay in the campus library. After all, what Durham student wouldn’t want to channel a bit of scholarly elegance between pints at the pub?”

I’m sure the monocle will go perfectly with Sebastian’s siggie ring.

Edinburgh

“How about a haggis-repellent umbrella – because at the University of Edinburgh, you never know when a rogue haggis might try to rain on your parade, or worse, your graduation ceremony.”

Ugh, don’t you just hate it when it rains haggis at your grad!

Exeter

“What about a DIY Campus Duck Pond kit because, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want a personal water feature to rival the beauty of Reed Hall? For a touch of sophistication, throw in a monocle with a built-in cider dispenser – because every Exeter student should be able to enjoy a cold one while pretending to read Chaucer by the picturesque Exe River. It’s the perfect Exe-mas gift for a student embracing the quirks of university life!”

What the fuck is with ChatGPT and monacles with built-in liquid? And I think I’ve just thrown up with its use of Exe-mas. Stop that now.

Glasgow

“For those late-night study sessions, a bag of haggis-flavoured energy bars could provide the necessary sustenance – because who needs a conventional snack when you can fuel your brain with a taste of Scotland?”

Not the haggis-flavoured energy bars at the top of Glasgow’s ChatGPT uni Christmas list. Stop this, I beg.

Imperial

“What about a DIY robot butler kit, because everyone knows Imperial students are just a few engineering experiments away from having their own robotic household assistants.”

Well, with the mention of butlers, ChatGPT obviously knows the demographic of Imperial students very well.

King’s

“How about a Strand survival kit – featuring a magnifying glass to locate the elusive entrance to the Maughan Library, a pair of stilts for wading through the sea of students in the crowded corridors, and a pocket-sized fog machine to recreate that authentic London mist when you least expect it.”

Can’t wait to whip out my pocket fog machine when I get picked on in a seminar.

Leeds

“How about a survival guide to navigating the Otley Run – complete with a map of the best pubs, a checklist for outrageous fancy dress costumes, and a scientifically proven formula for avoiding the dreaded hangover the next day? Because when you’re at Leeds Uni, mastering the art of the Otley Run is practically a rite of passage. Throw in a ‘DIY Yorkshire Pudding Making Kit’ so they can impress their flatmates with homemade puddings that even grandma would envy.”

So, ChatGPT obviously loves a survival kit but honestly, this is probably the most accurate one of them all. Get me a Yorkshire pudding-making kit ASAP please.

Liverpool

“Of course, a pair of invisible roller skates to navigate the hills around campus – because why walk when you can glide down Hope Street like you’re in a musical? It’s the perfect Liverpool Uni Christmas package for students who love to twist and shout!”

Random but okay? It manages to sneakily slip the Beatles reference in there too, of course.

LSE

“How about a mastering small talk at high-speed course, because at the London School of Economics, even casual conversations are expected to have a rapid return on investment. Throw in a pocket-sized dictionary of economic jargon so they can casually drop terms like ‘opportunity cost’ and elasticity’ into everyday discussions about holiday plans. For a touch of luxury, a monocle with an integrated stock market ticker could keep them updated on market trends while maintaining an air of sophistication during festive gatherings.”

AGAIN with the monocles! But the rapid return on investment has sent me west. It’s too true.

Manchester

“For those late-night study sessions, a subscription to a virtual Oasis concert experience could transport them back to the ’90s, providing the perfect soundtrack to fuel their academic endeavours. And, of course, a DIY rainy day disco ball kit to turn their dorm room into a mini Warehouse Project whenever the weather forces them indoors.”

Of course Oasis is at the top of a ChatGPT uni Christmas list. But if I walk into the Manchester library and someone is watching a virtual Oasis concert experience I am walking straight back out. Respectfully, get a grip.

Newcastle

“How about a lifetime supply of Greggs vouchers for the ultimate Newcastle student sustenance – who needs gourmet when you’ve got pasties and sausage rolls?”

Probs the only one on here I’d genuinely want. 14 sausage rolls a day, please!

Nottingham

“How about a Robin Hood starter kit to help Nottingham students embrace their inner outlaw? Complete with a miniature bow and arrow for those intense archery battles in Sherwood Forest (or the campus park), because nothing says ‘academic prowess’ like hitting a bullseye while discussing medieval literature.”

If this is at the top of a ChatGPT uni Christmas list for Nottingham and this what Notts students are kicking about doing I want to be as far away from them as possible.

Oxford

“How about a personalised quill pen with ink made from the tears of rejected fellowship applicants, ensuring their notes are not only intellectually superior but also emotionally charged.”

I was about to say ouch until I realised I’m not really smart enough to even know what a fellowship is so, sure x

QMUL

“Of course, a caffeine IV drip for those inevitable all-nighters at the Mile End Library – because who needs sleep when you’re conquering the Queen Mary Mile and the academic mile simultaneously? It’s the perfect Christmas gift to help QMUL students thrive in the unique rhythm of East London academia!”

Ngl I’m not sure caffeine would be the first substance any London student would request on a drip but hey ho.

Queens Belfast

“How about a Belfast banter-boosting megaphone – because why settle for a quiet chuckle when you can broadcast your witty comebacks to the entire campus? Perfect for those moments when you want to add a laugh track to life’s absurdities.”

I don’t think your jokes are funny when you’re shouting them at your mates in the SU, I don’t need you shouting them down a megaphone thank you!

Sheffield

“Include a lifetime supply of Henderson’s Relish – the true elixir of Sheffield – for an instant upgrade to any meal. Toss in a custom-made umbrella equipped with a built-in weather app that only predicts rain, ensuring they’re always prepared for the city’s unpredictable weather. ”

Is this an ad for Henderson’s Relish or what?? Apparently relish is at the top of a ChatGPT uni Christmas list for Sheff students!

Southampton

“A clone Your cat voucher – because if there’s one thing Southampton students can agree on, it’s that every cat in the city is secretly a celebrity. Now, they can have their very own famous feline companion. It’s the perfect funny and festive gift to keep spirits high in Southampton!”

Erm, why are all the cats in Southampton apparently famous and why haven’t I visited them yet?

UCL

“The perfect gift for a UCL student is a pet rock with a UCL diploma because sometimes even a rock seems more qualified than you after a particularly tough exam. It’s the perfect funny and festive gift to keep UCL students laughing through the challenges of university life!”

A pet rock! Is it actually joking?

Warwick

“How about a secret tunnel excursion kit to help Warwick students explore the vast network of mysterious tunnels rumoured to exist beneath the campus? Complete with a miniature shovel, a headlamp, and a guidebook on decoding the cryptic symbols rumoured to mark the entrance points. Because what’s Christmas without a bit of adventurous subterranean exploration?”

What in the Hogwarts? Who is coming with me to explore the secret tunnels like right now?

York

“Of course, a Long Boi’s Guide to Time Management because who better to learn from than the duck who effortlessly balances the demands of being a campus icon and a full-time quacker? It’s the perfect funny and festive gift to keep UoY students smiling through their studies!”

Oh god. Who’s gonna break it to ChatGPT??

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