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How to have half decent festival sex without feeling like a filthy animal

Near impossible, but some have managed to do it

Having festival sex isn't a good experience overall – these gross festival sex confessions are my proof. But regardless, it happens. The smell lingers for the rest of the weekend, all your friends heard you do it, and you've somehow got a bruise from the positions you were attempting.

But some people manage to get it right and actually have half decent festival sex. So we asked their secrets on what size the tent should be, the best decisions and how to handle the aftermath:

Sarah, Glastonbury

I’ve only had bad experiences of festival sex, probably because the whole time I’m aware my vagina hasn’t seen fresh water or Radox in three days and frankly smells disgusting. But regardless, festival sex is only going to be good if you have a tent which is big enough – no one is going to have decent sex in a one man tent.

Going on top was best position wise, as missionary meant my back was rubbing on the odd rock or whatever else the tent was pitched on. This did mean it was knackering. I’d also advise keeping one layer of the inside tent doors half open otherwise it’ll get BOILING. Sure that’s leaving you with a higher chance of your mate seeing your bare ass if they open the tent, but at least it gives everything a bit more excitement lol.

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Charlie, Reading and Leeds

The best advice I could give it always use condoms. For safety obv, but more to stop any unwanted liquids knocking around. I accidentally pulled out and came over this girl’s sleeping bag accidentally at Glastonbury last year, and that smell does not go away easily – especially in the heat.

Rob, Lost Village

If you’re going to have sex at a festival, don’t do it pissed – because you will be loud and everyone will be able to hear you, and I mean everyone. Too many times have I been interrupted because my mates have all bashed on the tent going ‘waaahaayy’ because they can hear. At least if you’re sober you can both do some volume control.

Ellie, Glastonbury

Don’t have sex in your tent. Have sex in someone else’s, and then you won’t have to deal with the smell.

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Charlotte, Bestival

Okay this is really bad but me and my boyfriend fucked in a disabled portaloo. It was really late and I did feel extremely guilty (luckily no one was outside waiting), but with all that extra room we were able to have some pretty good sex in stand up doggy style. It won’t stop you feeling gross though…the smell of shit and piss is not a turn on.

Ollie, Lost Village

Don’t give oral and don’t accept oral, unless it’s day one of the festival. Neither party are getting any pleasure from a face full of sweaty, muddy and stinky genitalia. Festival sex should be a strict in and out policy, fingers and handjobs only as foreplay.

Ally, Houghton

I will only sleep with someone if they’ve got a decent size tent. Do you know how hard it is to take off a body and tight denim short and look sexy, especially in a two man tent. The bigger the tent, the more fun we’re going to have.