People confess their gross festival sex stories, confirming shagging in tents is nasty

You animals

You’ve got to be a certain type of person to genuinely enjoy having sex at music festivals because seriously now, who actually likes shagging in a tent? There’s no space, no position really works well, you’re so pissed you’ll probably leave your wellies on, and then you’ve got to think about the smell.

Anyway, this lot don’t seem to mind, so here are some gross festival sex stories to remind yourself why you never do it.

Charlie, Reading Festival

At Reading 2014, 17-year-old me pulled a distinctly average girl whilst watching the Arctic Monkeys. We went back to my tent to keep on drinking and whatever, and there’s no prizes for guessing for happened next. However, after about 10 minutes, I suddenly heard a voice in the tent behind me shout “what the fuck are you doing Tom, are you wanking?”, to discover that somebody had genuinely masturbated to the sound of me doing it.

Sophia, Glastonbury

I was having sex with this guy on the first night of Glastonbury. It was in my two man Tesco tent which everyone has, so there wasn’t much room. He didn’t have a condom, and when he went to come he pulled out last minute and came on my sleeping bag, because he thought I’d “rather not have it inside of me”. I had to sleep in that same bag for the following four nights, you couldn’t escape the smell of hot salty semen by the Sunday.

Rach, Leeds Festival

I was with my boyfriend at Leeds Fest, and I’d been drinking all day and was horny. So I went into the toilets with my boyfriend and I giving him head, until I opened my eyes, looked around at the state and the smell of the portaloo and vomited all over him. There was literal sick on his dick.

Leah, Reading Festival

I had sex with a guy, but then I got a UTI and was in agony. Luckily I had sheewees with me cos I couldn’t keep going to the toilet so I ended up just spending the whole weekend peeing in my sheewees in my tent. The sex wasn’t even worth it, it was boring missionary Year 11 tent sex – think Will from the Inbetweener vibe.

Katie, Reading Festival

I was sleeping with someone for the whole five days of Reading Festival in 2014 and instead of chucking all the condoms as we went along, we left them in a little pile in the tent. It was a really hot weekend and after five days of condoms built up the tent stank and we then had to remove a pile of warm, used, full condoms from the tent. There were probably 15-20 condoms. There was come everywhere because we didn’t even like tie them up.

Ella, Truck

I was overheard having sex in a tent once, a crowd gathered, and when we left the tent got a round of applause. I ran for the hills, pretty sure he bowed.

Will, Creamfields

My mate shagged a girl in our tent last year at Creamfields. This was on the fourth day we had been there. I had to evacuate the tent early in the morning and use someone else’s tent to get changed because the smell was that bad. All doors to the tent were left wide open so it could get a good airing for the rest of the day! No one had washed for four days, plus it was really hot the whole weekend which helped the smell’s pungency.

Bethan, Royal Welsh Agricultural Festival

Day before my 18th I had sex in a portaloo with my dad’s co-worker at the Royal Welsh Agricultural Festival. He wasn’t like 50, he was 21, but still, he knew my dad, and we shagged in a tent in front of my caravan in broad daylight whilst my friends were sat outside, I went to piss in a portaloo and he followed me and so we carried it on there too. I bent over the loo whilst we did doggy.

James, Dekmantel

My friends were at Dekmantel and one brought this girl back to the tents and started having sex with her. She asked if all the guys there would come in to the tent and watch so like five guys sat in a four man tent laughing while watching their friend have sex with this girl. A passer-by hears what’s going on and pops his head in and she asks him to join in. He finishes, leaves, then she gets her stuff and left.

Rachel, Secret Garden Party

I had sex in a disabled portaloo with my boyfriend. We were there for quite a while and when we came out someone in a wheelchair was waiting to come in. I’ve never felt more guilty in my life. They just knew.

Chloe, Wakestock

When I was seeing this guy at Wakestock (the year it completely flooded) I hadn’t slept with him yet and it was fully on the cards for the fest like you know when you just know it’s on. Anyway we all ended up getting absolutely fucked on the first night and when the group split up and the guy text me like “come back to the tent and meet me now”. So I left all my mates at the arena, trekked an age to get back to the tent in about three ft of mud. Got there, zipped open his tent and he was passed out snoring and had spilt drink all over himself and the tent.

Ciara, Bestival

I met this dude and his friends who were fire throwers and did cool tricks. I was tripping out at the time just watching them, and then I eventually kissed the guy and he led me to his tent. I started shagging him, and then he was getting soft after like 30 seconds so I went down to suck his dick and fell asleep.