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Meet the set-menu fuckboy, who has a routine for every girl he sleeps with

He doesn’t understand the word ‘variation’

Have you ever been getting with a guy where it has felt like his moves are part of a structured and rehearsed routine? And got with another guy and realised you've been given exactly the same routine as the last guy?

This is the set-menu fuckboy, who has a set-routine for everything.

He's got a set-menu for the way he kisses you, the way he dresses, your dates, and most importantly the way he fucks you. He will never vary this routine, as he knows he gets the same results time after time. You'll never be able to change them.

"Variety is the spice of life" isn’t a phrase this fuckboy is acquainted with. He’s got his set-routine and he’s not swaying from it. He knows that if he goes through each stage of his set-menu, he’ll finish off. This is the starter, main and dessert they'll serve up every time:


Kissing – 2 minutes

You’ve memorised the tempo and know to the nanosecond when he’s going to lurch his tongue down your throat. Right on time he’s biting your lip thinking you’ll find it sexy.

Foreplay – 0 minutes

There isn’t any. He’s straight down on you instead.

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Your face will be in a permanent state of wtf!?!?, as showcased by Carrie Bradshaw

Oral – 3 minutes

He’ll do minimal tongue action and just use his fingers instead, not what being down there is about. Just as you think you might finally be getting into it, he’s back up ready to go.


The actual sex – 4 minutes maximum

There will be a series of quick position changes, lasting 30 second each, where he aggressively humps you like a rabid dog. It’ll start with missionary and end with you tangled up some position he watched on PornHub. Three minutes later he’s lying next to you looking unbearably satisfied, whilst you’re lying there like “what the fuck????”


Ha, you should be so lucky. You won’t come, ever.

He believes it’s a myth anyway. His porn-style spanks are the best he’s going to give, and you didn’t even request them in the first place.

Total time – 9 minutes

This won't be you

Everyone has experienced this set-menu fuckboy. But if you haven't, these are the kind of things you can expect to see outside the bedroom:

You’ll go to the same pub/bar every time you meet up

He isn’t adventurous enough to think of anything beyond Be At One. Doing anything other is “too much effort”, he says, whilst laughing like you’re on the same wavelength. You’re not.

He’ll give you a limit as to how much you can spend at dinner

They’ll make a joke about not going above £15 for a main, but they’re being deadly serious. You’ll ask to see the specials and you’ll catch him death-staring you over his menu. You’ll take a carbonara (again), and no, you wouldn’t like any breadsticks.

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He'll take you to this same restaurant every. single. time

But then still make you split the bill

Despite making a pass-agg comments about what you can and can’t order, when you’ve finished your last mouthful he’ll say “shall we split the bill?” You agree, thinking about the steak that could’ve been yours.

He’ll wear the same clothes because someone said he "looked nice" in it one time

His look will be the following: a dark read baggy corduroy shirt, black jeans, nice trainers – most probably black Vans or Air Max.

His texting is always the same pattern, and involves so many emojis

Hi, how are you, what you been up to, how was your weekend – all filtered with that annoying crying laughing face emoji which he hasn’t got the memo yet on how annoying it is.