The mental and emotional stages of a drought
How long until I become a born again virgin?
Anyone who's had a drought will know that it's a rollercoaster of inevitable emotions: fear, hatred, sadness, desperation, happiness and content.
A drought from sex is anything past six months, according to dating guru James Preece. However, it is not to be confused with a dry spell, which he says is much shorter than a drought. James reassured us that droughts are completely normal. “Everyone goes through it and it's only a passing phase", he says.
Despite this reassurance, droughts are quite frankly hell on earth. You never know when it's going to end, and it's the not-knowing which is just excruciating. You'll start off in utter denial, before heading towards a minefield of tears, anger and acceptance until the fateful day eventually comes (no pun intended).
These are the inevitable mental and emotional stages you will travel though on your journey through the drought.
1. Blissful ignorance: Day 1 – 30
You have absolutely no idea that this is the start of the end. Life is great, work's great, everything's great! Sex is the last thing on the mind right now. The old uni hookup is out the window, and a new relationship could be just around the corner.
The sheer beauty of this stage is the not knowing. The shagging record might go untouched, or it could be the start of a year long drought…
2. Complete Denial: 2 months
Dry spell? What dry spell? The last time was only like, what, a couple of weeks (months) ago, right? A month isn't very long anyway, plus there have been plenty of opportunities to get down and dirty.
Swedish sexologist Leigh Norén explains the reasoning behind this stage. Some people may be in denial because “the average length of a drought really depends on how much sex you’re used to having. For people who are used to having sex every week, you might only need a few weeks for it to be experienced as a drought, whereas others need months of no sex, or even years, to feel their situation is more 'drought-like'.”
So there is absolutely no need to…
3. PANIC: 3 months
Shit has hit the fan. Reality has set in that it has been a whole 12 weeks since the last hook up and it's borderline unbelievable. This is the longest time between shags since, what, losing virginity? No, this cannot be.
A girls night out is called – it is absolutely necessary to go to the salon, get made-up and go for a wax. There is absolutely no way this dire situation is getting any worse, pulling WILL happen this week, or at least this month.
4. Extreme Horniness: 4-6 months
There's only one thing on the mind and it's sex, sex and sex.
Everything turns phallic. That banana, sausage, cucumber, even that carrot looks a little bit tempting. It's far too risky to keep the iPhone on vibrate, and even the bus ride to work is a recipe for disaster – the usual seat above the wheel is an absolute no-go.
You can't even turn the TV on anymore, as just one tiny glimpse of a sex scene could just about tip you over the edge.
5. Desperation: 7 months
Seven months in and it's likely some recycling is in order– and not in the eco-friendly way.
That one night stand last year wasn't so bad? His number must be here somewhere. More text messages, Whatsapps and Snapchats leads to the dreaded ex being eventually stumbled upon.
Cue the endless terrible decision-making process, friends shooting down and reminding you that sleeping with an ex is never a good idea.
6. Embarrassment: 7.5 months
Oh my god – what if people find out that it's been this long?! What is there to say – do you make up a random hook up?
Made In Chelsea star Liv Bentley knows all too well the embarrassment surrounding a drought. In a recent episode MIC: Ibiza she staunchly denies going through a drought. She responds to Alex Mytton and Sam Prince's jokes by saying that "I am more than capable of finding someone for myself". Hmm okay babe.
7. Loathing: 8 months
A deep loathing for any other sexually active human being has fully developed.
It's decided PDA and human's who are in love and happy are the worst things to ever exist. There is nothing worse than having great, loving relationships, who are having sex whenever they want, shoved right in your face.
8. Owning it: 9 months
Why should being single be a bad thing? Why should abstinence be a bad thing? Why is anything a bad thing? It's not. Life's fab.
This sex drought isn't a drought – it's a choice and it is going WELL.
Who needs dicks? Who needs guys? NOT ME.
9. Insecurities are rife: 10-12 months
By far the worst stage of all, everything is shit and it ultimately culminates in the fact that you haven't got frisky with someone in 10 months. 10 WHOLE MONTHS.
Insecurities leads to crippling fear. What if sex never happens again? What if the love of your life comes along, but being so utterly perplexed as to who this other species is, you run a mile?
It'll be decided that dicks have probably evolved, changed shape, colour and therefore something someone who has been on a drought for so long will not be able to handle it.
10. Relief: 1.5 years onwards
Finally, you did it. Well done, you've actually had sex. Round of applause. Slap on the back – legend.
The long wait made everything worth it, it was even better than the vivid wet dreams had imagined. Maybe another dry spell is on the cards, just so it will feel that great again? But then again, fuck that.
Dating Guru James Preece provided us with some motivational advice to help get through drought. He said: “It might not seem like it now, but you will meet someone before you realise. Just make sure you are doing everything possible to help things along. Go online, attend events and put yourself out there.” Thanks hun.