Save yourself the embarrassment: Bristol’s bars worst cocktail names to order

Can any cocktail bar be more cringe than Be At One?


When you and your friends plan a classy night out, dressing in chic outfits, applying effortlessly stunning makeup, and heading to an elegant bar, nothing shatters this fantasy faster than stepping up to the bar and ordering something called the “Paul Mezcal Fire Emoji” (yes, that’s a real drink). Personally, I feel so strongly about this issue, I’ve taken it upon myself to investigate the cocktail menus of some of Bristol’s finest bars to identify and rank the worst cocktail names. After all, knowledge is power, and I hope this in-depth research saves you from future embarrassment on your sophisticated cocktail outings.

Vittoria

This bar is a top choice for many Bristol students, thanks to its prime location on Whiteladies Road and unbeatable Happy Hour deals. But is there really anything “happy” about ordering a drink called the “Dildo Baggins”? Making direct eye contact with a bartender, likely sporting a mullet, hoop earring, and minimalistic tattoos, and ordering this drink may be one of the worst things a person could do. On the other hand, if you’re on a first date that’s not going well, ordering a “Dildo Baggins” might just provide the comic relief you need to lighten the mood. At £6.50, the price-to-embarrassment ratio isn’t the worst, so the real question is: how much is your pride worth?

Barrelhouse 

Barrelhouse is another affordable and cheerful choice for students, ideal for an after-uni cocktail if the Balloon Bar doesn’t quite meet your aesthetic standards. Thanks to its dim, candle lit atmosphere, it’s also a good spot to hide your blushing cheeks after ordering the “Only Fan” cocktail, emphasis on the singular “fan”. Equally, there’s the “Bebida Sabrosa,” which raises the tricky issue of pronunciation. Do you attempt a forced Spanish accent, complete with an aggressive lisp, or stick to the thick English accent often used to order “una cerveza” in Magaluf? The choice is yours, but so is the potential embarrassment.

London Cocktail Club

With its prime location on The Triangle, London Cocktail Club is a popular choice for birthdays and special occasions. The bartenders truly transport you to another fully immersive cocktail dimension by aggressively swinging their hanging lights every now and then. Browsing their menu, I was initially impressed by the lack of cringey cocktail names, with the worst offenders being some mildly awkward mocktails like “Pina-con-nada” or “Alojito,” where emphasis and intonation can make or break the order.

However, a glance at the shots menu revealed names like “Blowjob,” “C**k-Sucking Cowboy,” and “Baby Doll”.  Shots already leave a bad aftertaste, so why make ordering them just as unpleasant?

Turtle Bay

Turtle Bay has long been the reigning champion of the bottomless brunch scene. During COVID, I remember (it’s a little blurry) getting hammered after just a couple of cocktails, all before 2pm, thanks to a clever restaurant loophole. For providing this essential service, they deserve to be applauded as key workers.

While their cocktail names aren’t overly explicit, they do lean into the embarrassment factor with options like “Montego Bae” (no one should be saying “bae” in 2025) and “Tropic Like It’s Hot” (admittedly, a well executed pun). Many of their cocktails also feature the word “reggae” thrown in wherever it vaguely fits.  To top it all off, if you’re (un)lucky your drink might arrive in a sparkling tiki head or a flaming elephant; an introvert’s worse nightmare.

Tonight Josephine

Although this bar might be less known than some of its competitors, Tonight Josephine, sister bar to Blame Gloria, rightfully earns its place in this groundbreaking research. A quick browse of their website revealed this delightful backstory: “The Nineteenth Century Fox Joséphine knew what she wanted, made her own rules, and didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.” If that doesn’t scream “yummy mummy liberal feminist girl boss,” I don’t know what does.

After reading this empowering tale, I wasn’t at all surprised to find cocktails named “Hot AF,” “MY Milkshake,” and “Razzle Dazzle”, phrases that feel like they would have been plastered on the back of a Skinny Dip phone case in 2016. The pièce de résistance is their neon sign boldly proclaiming, “This Ain’t My First Rodeo.” If this sounds like your dream cocktail bar (clearly, it’s not mine), fire up Snapchat, throw on the dog filter, and post it all over your story.

Be At One 

Finally, we have Be At One, the self-proclaimed “Original Party Starting Cocktail Bar.” No ranking would be complete without mentioning this veteran, and current villain, of the cocktail community. The cocktail names have a lustful energy with options like “Melons On My Mind,” “Ripe and Rowdy,” and “Love Child.” It might be embarrassing to order these drinks, but the bigger challenge is getting a staff member to stop throwing napkins to Pitbull or banging on a piece of metal during “Can’t Hold Us” long enough to acknowledge you and take your order.

That said, no matter how cringey the cocktail names or awkward the ordering process, nothing is more painful than the torture Be At One bartenders have to go through every shift. Witnessing a hospitality worker, or self-proclaimed mixologist, grind to “Pony” is infinitely worse than ordering a drink with a cheeky innuendo. My advice? The moment you see a bartender climb onto the bar and grab an ice scoop, get as far away as quickly as possible!

My ultimate conclusion to this comprehensive and influential research project is… order a pint.