Three years on from a suicide attempt, this is why Movember means so much to me in Durham

TW: Suicide

This is a story I’ve debated about writing for the past year. It’s hard to put into words, and I’ve never been this vulnerable before with my audience. Beyond my immediate family, my school and a few friends, this will be a revelation to everyone I know. I am finally ready to talk about this, and I am writing this to let men know that it is okay not to be okay.

The incredible impact I’ve seen from Movember in Durham this year has inspired me to talk. Men growing ‘taches, completing challenges, raising loads of money, and above all else actually speaking about their mental health. We are blessed with such a special community in Durham, and I am very grateful for it.

Just over three years ago, on September 11^th 2021, I attempted to take my own life. To be totally transparent, I tried to drown myself in a swimming pool. It seems silly and futile in my mind now, but at that point in time I really did not want to live anymore. I wish I had the perspective that I do now; I wish I was able to see my life and myself for more than I was able to.

My mental health spiralled out of control, I was struggling to cope with the academic pressure of Year 13 and UCAS, and the long process of learning how to live with undiagnosed ADHD was one I found really challenging. It’s a hard emotion to describe, but it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel if that makes sense.

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As I am sure a lot of people at Durham can relate to, I really struggled with academic perfectionism. Going from being bright at primary school, to attending a pressurised and rigid grammar school, and then on to a top university means that I have an issue with comparing myself to others.

If someone else can be perfect, why can I not be? The struggle to regulate my expectations of myself led to a massive “boom or bust” spiral where for about 17 years of my life I chose to be 100 per cent perfect or die trying (almost literally).

I’ve since managed to learn that there is no shame in trying, and that there’s even a bit of beauty in failure. If you ever see my phone, you’ll see a screensaver of “done is better than perfect”, an important quote my economics teacher at sixth form once said in passing. Thank you, Mr Stephen, because that changed my perspective on life quite significantly.

From the five weeks I spent at home afterwards, to the love I received from friends and family, and to the nine months of therapy I was grateful to experience, I gradually got better. It made me realise that whilst the phrase “time is a healer” is a little cliché, it is not entirely untrue.

Therapy was so helpful and is something I would recommend to anyone who has the resources to access it.

I think I come across as a confident and open person, and whilst I typically am, I have never been good at starting a dialogue or addressing problems at their root. I would say that I am a pretty good example of a man who is outgoing, extroverted and assured – and yet I still struggled. If I struggled, I know there will be many more; that is why I am writing my story.

By the time 2022 rolled around, I was determined to put all of this behind me. And put it behind me I did. I stuck out Year 13, achieved strong A-level results and earned my place at Durham. From an outsider perspective, my life was in a strong position for a 17-year-old boy.

It certainly was in a better position than it was the year prior, but that does not mean it was perfect. By trying to “kick on and tough it out”, it meant that although I succeeded, I never really gave myself the time to reflect and grow internally. I worked 70-hour weeks in the summer between A-levels and first year; in hindsight, the main reason I did this was not to be “productive” but was instead to escape the maze of my mind.

Not reflecting created a huge identity crisis for me – the total manic of the few years prior meant that I did not really know who I was anymore.

I still don’t know if I do, but I think I’m getting closer to painting that picture.

Going to university made me a happier person – I think coming to a small city like Durham helped me to become quickly comfortable and familiar in a new environment. It provided me with a fresh start, a sense of hope and some brilliant friends.

I also started to believe in myself a lot more. Durham is neither a perfect city nor university, but something it is very good at doing is instilling a sense of unshakeable confidence in you. Everyone here is so talented, and I really think that brought out the best in me and has been a source of inspiration.

I would say that I am quite a happy person now. I certainly have days where I struggle, but I know I am not alone in this regard. Whilst I have certainly relied on unhealthy behaviour patterns (Jimmy Allen’s and William Hill should give me a loyalty card) to get through difficult times, I know that I am on the up now. Durham has taught me what I am good at, what I value in life, and why I need to keep pushing on.

Anyway, this is why I think it is so important for us as men to talk about our mental health. I think we’re doing a really good job of this in Durham, but there is still a lot to be done. Thank you to everyone who has participated in Movember so far, because it has given me the strength to talk about something I have kept hidden from the world for three years. A lot of the challenges people do may seem bizarre, but they send such a powerful message beyond.

If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that it is okay not to be okay. If I have learnt anything it is that people are much more receptive than you imagine, and that you are not going through this alone. If writing this has a positive impact on even one person’s mental health, this was worth writing

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about my journey. This year, I am raising money for Movember with my football club, and we have currently raised just below £2,500. If you have anything to spare, we would be so appreciative of a donation.