Uni, me and ADHD: My experience of living with ADHD whilst studying at Durham University

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a difficult, and typically misunderstood, condition to live with.

I’ve come to realise that ADHD is a huge part of who I am. Without it, I wouldn’t have the aspects of myself which I love the most. But I am also unable to shake off the daily challenges ADHD presents me with. It has made me feel frustrated, self-loathing and most crucially different on an almost daily basis throughout my life.

I make no claim to be an expert on the causes or symptoms of ADHD. Neither am I attempting to paint a universal picture of what people with ADHD find challenging at university. ADHD is not a one size fits all condition; every affected person’s experience is different and unique.

What I can offer, however, is my experience. I am a second year history student who was diagnosed with a combined type ADHD at the fairly recent age of 17. This late diagnosis meant that before university, I had very little awareness of how ADHD affected me. Therefore, my journey at Durham and my journey of accepting and learning to live with ADHD have a complex relationship.

1.Misconceptions and lack of understanding 

ADHD is often perceived by the neurotypical population as a “fun” condition and characterised by forgetfulness, clumsiness and aloofness. I don’t blame people for these misconceptions. It’s how it tends to be presented through media, and the realities and challenges of ADHD are therefore severely underestimated.

Most Read

Lily Phillips just slept with an 82-year-old man in a care home and the videos are grim

A ‘petite blonde’ Tim hooked up with before MAFS has spoken out, and it doesn’t look good

Who’s official who’s not: Nearly one month on, the status of each Love Island All Stars couple

Misconceptions frequently also include the image of the person with ADHD being the primary school age boy who cannot control his anger. This is not representative of everyone with ADHD, and I doubt it is representative of many. Even as a man, I struggle to identify wholly with this stereotype. It is one which stalls awareness of ADHD, particularly for women who tend to present differently and mask the condition better.

2. Hyperfixation 

You’ve probably heard before that people with ADHD cannot focus. In fact, we can but we tend to struggle to regulate it effectively. One consequence of this is hyperfixation, where focus is like an extreme form of tunnel vision. No matter how minor or unimportant the matter at hand is, I can become focused to the point of obsessive and not much will redirect this.

In relation to my experience at Durham, this has meant that I have struggled to regulate the consistency of my academic work. I will frequently go over a month having hardly attended lectures or contributed to seminars, not always through a lack of interest but through a lack of sustained focus and discipline. Consequently, I often find myself with the challenge of completing a term’s worth of work in a week or two.

Then, I become a caffeine addict for around 10 days and take a frankly unhealthy amount of my medication to push myself through summative season. This unhealthy pattern has managed to allow me to stay afloat and scrape good grades, but it is all I know. It is this ‘all or nothing, feast or famine’ outlook which has deprived me of any form of consistency in both my academic and personal lives.

This is entirely my fault. I know it. I always tell myself that next time will be different. Every single time I am wrong. It is so frustrating to constantly know that your coping mechanisms do not allow you to realise your full potential, while also struggling to adapt to conventional work patterns.

3. Feeling like an outsider

Durham, as both a city and a university, is a small and tight-knit bubble; it is hard enough for most neurotypical students to feel they fit in seamlessly, let alone neurodivergent students. The constant reminder in my brain that I am different only exacerbates the struggle to feel heard and seen, but not overwhelming and difficult.

An aspect of ADHD which I struggle with is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – particularly in relation to the failure aspect explained below. RSD is defined as experiencing significant and severe emotional pain from feeling failure or feeling rejected and ignored. It is found in many other psychiatric conditions, too.

While I am a naturally extroverted person with a brilliant group of friends, RSD irks my days on a consistent basis. Something as simple as being unable to complete a mundane task with ease can totally sap any energy I have and make me feel like a failure. It is the feeling that I am unable to process my emotions and challenges in a conventional manner which make it hard to open up and address difficulties.

It often feels almost childlike. The feeling that I am emotionally stunted and behind my peers is not a pleasant one to be reminded of; this isn’t the fact, but it indeed the feeling. This is not unique to Durham, and neither is it the fault of Durham. It is something that happens everywhere a lot of people with ADHD go, but the tight bubble of Durham has certainly made my struggles with ADHD more noticeable to me, furthering imposter syndrome.

4. Alcohol and impulse

Some people with ADHD are prone to risk-taking and dangerous behaviour due to a dopamine deficiency in their brains. This dopamine deficiency often makes me seek thrill and excitement through unhealthy avenues, particularly in relation to alcohol.

For me, alcohol has been a lot more than just a way to forget or a way to have fun over the last two years. It has been a way for me to both feel “normal” and also to escape the constantly scattered and energetic nature of my brain. Throughout university, I have become somewhat dependent on it to erase feelings of inadequacy and to be less in tune with my emotions. It also provides me with the dopamine that I so desperately crave.

Of course, it is possible to find dopamine in other sources. But the reality of university life is that alcohol, and heavy drinking of it, is the easiest, quickest and most socially inclusive way of accessing dopamine in a high quantity.

Alcohol intake impacts the frontal lobe of the brain, the same part as ADHD. Consequently, heavy drinking further impacts the prefrontal cortex which makes risky behaviours even more enticing to many people with ADHD.

I’ve tried to quit drinking alcohol at certain points throughout university, for various reasons and to various levels of success. My relationship with it is not as healthy as I would like it to be. I do think ADHD plays a substantial role in this struggle. I hope to find a suitable middle ground in which I do not have to practice sobriety to avoid completely blacking out and getting it a bit too wrong.

5. Family and friends

People with ADHD are typically compassionate, understanding and spontaneous; on the surface, we make brilliant friends who are always up for something new. However, the four factors above have certainly had a profound impact on my relationships with my family, friends and romantic partners.

It’s easiest with my family. It certainly it isn’t easy, but they know who I am. They have put up with my difficulties and fought for me to have the resources I require over the last few years. I am eternally grateful for that. But, when something is out of sight, it is out of mind, for me. Durham is a long way away from the Essex countryside I call home – I struggle to respond consistently to family members as their lives do not immediately revolve around mine at university. Consequently, I often deprive them of the love and support they so frequently give me.

My inability to sustain and regulate my focus means that in large group settings, I often fall behind, zone out and struggle to understand nuances of conversation. Or, my brain becomes overly energised and I dominate conversation when it is not my place to do so. Particularly in relation to alcohol and impulse, I have been at my worst a frustrating and destructive friend. With ADHD, it can be challenging to feel close connections with even a small number of people, even if it is simple to establish basic ones with a large number of people.

This struggle to regulate myself, as well as my life and structure, has plagued me throughout my otherwise amazing two years in Durham. I would like to reiterate that in no way is this an attempt to define every person with ADHD’s struggles in Durham; it is merely an honest reflection of mine.

Related articles recommended by this author:

• I walked 72 miles from Durham to Scotland: Here’s the side that Instagram never saw
• Expression: What to expect from Durham’s queer fashion show
• ‘Jimmy’s will still be Jimmy’s’: Jimmy Allen’s open second nightclub in Durham