Eurovision anthems that Joe Jaxon needs to add to his repertoire ASAP

New national anthems just in time for the Coronation!

2 years ago

A national holiday is on the horizon. No, not the King’s Coronation (peace and love to Charlie on his big day though). The Eurovision Song Contest 2023! Eurovision is at least a religious experience and at most, a national day of mourning for all those notes never reached and the Eurovish icons that are gone but never (pinch of salt babes) forgotten.

As Shakira and RiRi reminded us in 2013, I can’t remember to forget you, but I have remembered to remind you of these absolute anthems that would resurrect Fab N Fresh quicker than the queue time for Circo Mondays (not actually that quick, but good things come to those who wait xxx).

Adrenalina – San Marino

I can see it now. Blue VK in hand. The Pitbull megamix has just finished playing… and in enters Adrenalina. A gorgeous bit of Spanglish. Evocative of a GCSE Spanish speaking exam. This national anthem is everything Eurovision should be: energy that will keep you awake for days and an unprovoked appeareance from FloRida. It’s okay if you couldn’t sing back the verses even as its playing, the chorus will haunt your dreams, your days and eventually, your life. A contemporary piece of fine art that will have have the walls of Fab shaking.

Still in Love With You – UK

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but the UK government wiped the nation’s memory of Electro Velvet’s Still in Love With You when they sent out that warning alert text message. The worst thing the Tories have done in their reign of terror!!! This song is the real energy crisis we need to worry about.

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Frankly because there’s too much energy going on here, but also a real lifelessness behind the eyes. The 2013 Great Gatsby inspired staging, the nothing short of evil skatting bridge, and it’s nice to see the leftover glow sticks from my Year Six leaver’s party didn’t go to waste… An absolute horror that is so wrong, it almost feels right. It wouldn’t surprise me if this cheeky anthem makes a sneak attack into my Spotify Wrapped. I would list the trigger warnings that go with this song but frankly there’s just too many.

Say Na Na Na – San Marino

The wordplay: Chilliheatwave Sensations. Serhat is a wordsmith. Don’t believe me? Let’s bosh some thematic analysis on the verses: “Who cares that you’re out of love? It happens every day”. Tough love Serhat! He really said get over it you silly thing. But the inspiration does not stop there: “Be a hero, the the rainbow, and say na na na”. Ugh obsessed! It’s so camp, it’s so out of tune, and it’s bloody delightful. This is a Mermaid Bar anthem. J bombs for Serhat.

It’s My Life – Romania

My fave niche, but textbook Eurovision song. Absolute bangers and mash this one. Miss Cezar Salad belts this like his life depends on it, straddling seven different genres in one naughty little number. Now That’s What I Call 90s Trance/Opera/Dubstep a la Skrillex. Simple! This song really is a sensory experience that only truly makes sense by the visual aid of its Live Final performance, with one YouTube comment describing summing it up as “Flying tampons, opera, a vampire and dubstep”. Seeing is believing.

Euphoria – Sweden

Potentially one of the most iconic, well-loved songs to ever grace the Eurovision stage. Unfortunately the banger and mash status of it means next-to-none comic material to capitalise upon, fortunately, it’s Banger and Mash status makes it an absolute fun for all the family, two-in-one treat. Certified to make even the most adamant of Eurovision haters question their political standing and dance with the campest of all the devils.

Loco Loco – Serbia

The title does what it says on the tin really. Chaos. Hair. Slightly unhinged and giving it everything and a sprinkle of more. The Hurricane girlies literally trained on treadmills whilst rehearsing for their performance. A Hurricane really has hit Tiv Gym, and yet I’ve never felt safer. You will be exhausted with every three minutes and 23 seconds of their performance. You will be emotionally and spiritually rejuvenated. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such franticness from three girlies singing for their supper and yet there is no other holy trinity who could deliver just as well as they do. Loco for you girlies.

Embers – UK

Right. The obligatory UK entry. It screams Love Island backing music as the Islanders run down the stairs to their next silly little challenge, which is very cyclical structure considering it did feature in the 2021 season! The staging was shock factor. The song giving us everything by giving us nothing. A crash course in how the UK churns out embers year in and year out, and refuses to give us the full remember remember the fifth November firework display. But I actually love this cheeky little thing. It does everything Capital FM does on the daily. A lesson in pop music and a lecture in pleather coats.

Lipstick – Ireland

An end of the night cheese board classic. Lipstick belongs with the Macarenas and the Good 4 Us of this cynical world. A Fab anthem through and through. So much so that if Fab are truly committed to their new rebranding on tribute act nights, they need to wheel out the Jedward tribute quick!!! Jepic mate.