Fan girls set to overrun celeb night at Underground

If you’re a fan of Carwash at Underground then you’re in for a treat next Tuesday.

Jake Quickenden will be gracing the darkest club in the Deen to help you celebrate the end of exams.

You’re probably rolling your eyes at the use of “celebrity” but according to ITV it’s true…

The X Factor cum Jungle star will only be one out of hundreds that’ll be turning up that night to have a good time, here’s what to expect:

Fan girls

You’ll most likely hear these before you see them.

If you’ve ever heard a cat’s reaction to it’s tail being stepped on then you’ll recognize the sound of the fan girls.

Their location on the night depends solely on where Jake is.

When he moves, they move.

Kind of like stalkers for the night except they won’t be hiding behind newspapers or trees, they’ll be hiding behind their phones as they take snap after snap of Jake’s every move.

For Jake’s sake lets hope the fans on the night are more like these ones:

You better hope Jake lets them down, there’s a chance you can be the shoulder to cry on when their attempt to get Jakes’ number has failed…

Lotharios

These ones always litter Underground and next Tuesday will be no exception- most likely a fresher.

They can be hard to identify, but their sole aim is to pull.

They’re the ones attempting to shuffle through the crowd and grind up against the people who take their fancy.

Once their target has been acquired you’ll see them lock lips for most of the night.

Only taking time away from it to come up for air.

You might even see some of them with their heads in their hands the next morning briskly walking back home from wherever they where that night.

Wannabe studs

This group of self proclaimed “LADS” will deliver line after line from the cheesiest chat up lines going to any unfortunate girl around them.

They’ll later realise that they’re going to get nowhere with their unoriginal patter and you’ll probably find them directing their attention to the Underground girls who are paid to listen to them ask “Was it sore when you fell from heaven?”

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These ones are fun to watch but just don’t get too close in case their night out lingo is contagious.

Herbert the perverts

Be sure to watch Snakes on a Plane and study Samuel Jacksons’ self defence techniques against snakes in preparation for this night because chances are there’ll be a few of these slithering through the grass of people on the dance floor hunting for their prey.

You can see the old snakes’ eyes locking directly on to his next victim.

His face is filled with joy and naughty intentions.

The best defense against this category is a combination of the methods namelydon’t look at them and don’t speak to them.

Just hope gangnam style comes on so you can jump on that imaginary horse and high tail your way away from them towards Jake.

Lightweights

Like the guy below you’ll find the lightweights hunched over in some corner of Underground, trying to decipher between Jake and someone who’s called Jake but lives in Torry.

Pre-drinks have got the better of them and now they are suffering the consequences.

Who knows it could be one of the fan girls squeezing in a power nap before she goes back to screaming her head off at Jake again.

But chances are this is alcohol induced.

Accidental attendees

These are the ones you’ll hear blurting out the question “Who the hell is that?” as soon as they see Jake.

They’re too cool to know who he is.

Skip forward a couple hours though and you’ll probably hear the same people applauding his rendition of “A thousand years” by Christina Perri on the X factor and crying over his sob story in the queue to meet him.

Regulars

We all know at least one regular to Undergrounds Carwash Tuesdays.

If you’re a fresher then you’re probably a regular anyway.

But if they’re true devotees they’ll head along anyway and enjoy the new faces there on the night – and probably find some new Facebook adds the next day.