I’m confused. So y’all refuse to eat pizza crust, but you’ll eat ass?

I hate food police. Especially ones that try to shame you for eating chicken nuggets ("Those aren't even real chicken, have you seen Food Inc.?") or pizza crust ("It has no flavor, it's so bland") knowing full well they've literally had their tongue pressed against another person's butthole.

Was this what Trump was talking about when he wanted to make America great again? He wanted a nation of unapologetic ass-eaters? I'm deceased.

To be clear, I'm not against eating the booty like the proverbial groceries — I'm just not ok with this hateful rhetoric against wonderful things like pizza crust, chicken nuggets, and soda.

I mean, let's be honest: straight men barely wipe. Do you really wanna be tongue-deep in that situation? If I wanted to have sex with either gay men or women, then yeah, maybe I'd consider it. But have you ever seen a straight guy's butt up close? It's like if you dragged a piece of scotch tape across a filthy alleyway. Hard pass.

I don't know what's come over this nation, truly. It's like at the exact moment we all decided to get healthier, we also decided to just dive face-first into the cheeks.

I'm cool with my crust, thaaaanks.