Literally every single student you’ll encounter if you go to college in Florida

Oh Florida, the godless swampland filled with alligators, sharks, and fifty different types of mosquitoes that everyone loves to hate.

Most people associate us with either snowbirds from New York, that one mouse that has an entire cult-like theme park built around him, or whatever “Florida Man” meme is floating around the internet that week. But what all of us actually here know is that Florida is probably the best damn state to go to college (re: party) in, and when you’re not hitting the beach you get to encounter some truly beautiful stereotypes that add character to the hellhole that we call home.

That one girl who swears she’s from Miami but is actually from Ft. Lauderdale

We’ve all met one. When you first meet she tells you she’s from Miami, uses Miami slang, dresses in chic white outfits, will go on and on and on about how great SoFla is, how she misses South Beach and how there is “sooo much more to do” than in this college town. You always wonder why she didn’t just go to UM if she’s going to complain all the time.

Inevitably one night you end up Facebook creeping her and click on her high school friends, and find out she’s actually…from Ft. Lauderdale. Next time she tells a story you call her out and all she can say back is “bet”.

The kids actually from Miami who will NEVER shut up about it

They go home every break and post 800 pictures of themselves at Basement, Mokai, or Tucandela, tell you about all the celebrities they’ve ever run into, and alternates complaints about everyone who posts a picture of themselves in front of a wall in Wynwood or how they can’t find any good Cuban coffee anywhere. They pretend they’re so different from the rest of the squad, that they can only take Ubers and never taxis, but you all won’t let them live down South Florida trying to secede into its own state.

They can act it’s better, but deep down you’re smug that you don’t need to pay $20 in tolls to get across town. God forbid you take her to a Cuban restaurant, because she will GLADLY tell you how much better the Cuban food is in Miami. “The bread here just isn’t as good.” Shut up. Eat your sandwich.

The gATOr that won’t let you forget it

He reminds you every chance he gets what fraternity he’s in. He’ll let you know he got into every major Florida school, but UF was honestly the only choice, even though he goes up to FSU once a semester to party with his brothers, because he can. He shits on every frat and every school that isn’t his to anyone who will listen.

The Southern Belle

She’s in a top tier sorority, and you don’t forget it because she’s decked out in Lilly Pulitzer and EVERYTHING on her is monogrammed from her hat, to her $80 daily planner. She goes to class with full makeup, hair, and accessories, yet wears a long frat t-shirt that covers her norts with Jack Rodgers. Her dating prerequisite is that you wear salmon shorts and a southern pride shirt.

The ‘wannabe pro surfer’

Usually blonde, always wearing some brand like Quiksilver or Hurley paired with board shorts and flip flops, stickers from various surf comps and “Sex Wax” board wax on their car (probably a Jeep) that notably has that one yellow and orange surfer Florida license plate, and tan all year round (is it real?). These kids seem to always find time for weekend surf trips, and are probably from somewhere coastal like Melbourne or Cocoa beach where the tourists never really go and all they had to do in high school was hit the beach with friends. They have the stereotypical surfer way of talking and probably study something like marine biology but never actually go to class. They will refuse to shut up about that one time they met Kelly Slater and he was “so chill”.

That guy who probably should have gone to a school in Alabama

Hunting, fishing, a ring in the back pocket of his jeans where he holds his dip, and a giant ass truck completed with a bright red Trump/Pence 2016 sticker that’s blaring some form of country music as he drives through campus. Undoubtedly he goes to FSU and his truck fits right in here in this strange town with all the others, but you can’t help thinking his little red MAGA hat bobbing in the crowd looks pretty lonely and maybe he should have driven an hour north for school instead. Sort of because you believe the stereotype, mostly because you’re tired of watching him spit into that one bottle during class. Bonus points if he complains that no-one makes better sweet tea than he does.

The rich redneck

He wore all Guy Harvey in high school but has since switched to Vineyard Vines and Chubby’s. He’s got a sign in his room that says “redneck crossing”, even though his parents probably have a membership to their local country club. He blares Blake Shelton out of his 2016 F-150 that undoubtedly has a Yeti sticker on the back, and on weekends he’s got a Yeti cooler strapped in to go fishing at his best friend’s lake house. Definitely in Kappa Alpha, but can also be found at SAE.

The business major frat boy who is lowkey probably just racist

Natty Lite in hand, pouring shots of Everclear, yelling over the generic dubstep music while telling you how he’s so glad a “real businessman” like Trump has actually made it into office. He waits on Facebook for one of his friends to post something pro-Bernie and is there, like a vulture to its prey, with the “lol have u ever even taken a macro econ class??? Socialism is a joke” comment that he has carefully cultivated with his other gremlin frat boys weeks in advance. Any time someone presents evidence to dispute his claim he blasts Harambe memes and then blocks you on Facebook. He’ll say he only voted for Trump because of his serious understanding of economics and because Hillary was a corrupt liar, but you’ll always remember that one night he got too drunk and complain that George Zimmerman got a bad rap and was “totally in his rights” and how white men are actually the oppressed minority in American society these days. He’s lowkey actually just a bigot and probably refers to women as “hoes” unironically.

People who are obsessed with Dance Marathon

They’re annoying and literally Venmo request you with a line saying “For the Kids!” They also constantly post about Miracle Monday but they’re most likely in bed watching last night’s episode of Game of Thrones. Because you probably hate their false sense of altruism and transparent personal agenda, you deny the request and unfriend them on Facebook. Like no, this very clearly is about you and not the kids. Thanks and bye.

The ‘Florida Man’ waiting to happen

Quintessential weird kid. Nothing is too crazy about him but he’s just…off. You’ve walked past him looking at Austin Harrouff’s YouTube channel in the library one or nine times and he knows just a bit too much about Ted Bundy’s entire life. You’re half wondering what’s in his browser history and if you should just go ahead and call the FBI now to save some time. Probably a loner in high school and that transferred into college, and now he spends his weekends on 8Chan and watching American Psycho on Netflix. Probably still does the naruto run.

The one who ‘got into UF but decided not to go’

He took, like, 20 AP’s in high school and was president of the local boy scout troop but decided college was the time to “let loose and have fun.” He loves FSU, until they lose a football game and show his true colors by reminding everyone he knows that he got into UF and how lucky we all are that he decided against it.

The kid from Orlando who is tired of your shit

UCF’s football team is practically the worst thing that’s ever happened to college sports here in Florida. It’s so bad that it actually stops the rivalry between UF and FSU for one hot minute, just so the two schools can share a collective laugh and say “well at least we aren’t them”. Seriously, the school is spending millions of dollars on a lazy river in the middle of campus, is it even real? What kind of motto is ‘Charge On!’ anyways?

If you’re one of the lucky ones you flee the city after high school and head to one of the other state schools, but you never truly escape the weird orange-grove-turned-metropolitan patch of land. Because no matter where you are, the moment you tell someone what your hometown is you’ll get the same exact question that makes you want to yank your hair out and scream while spitting fire: “Oh my God! So like, do you get to go to Disney all the time?”

The Instagram beach model

She’s got 28k followers and almost all of her photos are not-so-subtle advertisements for different bikini brands. She goes to UCF, USF or FIU yet no one has actually seen her on campus, and “the beach is her happy place”. You go to her Instagram to find all the obscure coffee shops and juice bars she frequents, and you wonder how the hell she gets such cool pictures of her not-so-cool looking food. She’s probably trying to sell you skinny-bunny-tea or a teeth-whitening product, but she’s so perfect you’ll more than likely buy it.

Guys who are disgustingly present on Tinder but rude in real life

Hanging out seems like a fantastic idea on their end, but for some reason, real-life situations freak them out. This is not specific to frat guys, but also not limited to them either. They can only approach you in real life when they’re too blackout to even remember meeting you.

The girl from Miami who thrives off of a town like Gainesville

She was the queen at home and somehow managed to bring her essence of superiority to college, too. The South Florida crowd knows her and so do all her *sisters*!

‘I rushed a week ago’

There are thousands of them. They walk around campus in pairs like it’s Noah’s Ark. They’re unmistakably walking from sorority row to wherever their next class is, wearing a pastel t-shirt and Nike shorts. They usually look like they’re anxious about the amount of likes their sign night Instagram post will get. You can’t help but wish to see beyond the facade but then you realize they’ve become the facade.

The kids who wanted to go out of state

They hibernate and basically want to die 24/7 because they think they’re too smart for a state school. Especially one in a state that is notoriously absurd.

The AP student still stuck on their high school success

They were insufferable in high school, and they’re insufferable now. They remember their scores from every section of the SAT, and you know them too, because it’s all they talk about. They were in the top 10 of their class – maybe even valedictorian – and in a school setting where there are no definitive rankings, they just cannot cope with the thought that their classmates might not know how smart they really are. If you’re having a bad day, stick them in a room with an IB student and watch them rip each other’s limbs off.

The Scooter Boys

The original bromance from the days of yore when scooters had just begun. How can you not fall in love practically fondling each other’s balls while scooting through campus together? These bros are usually seen at a gym on campus and swear off women because ‘who needs ‘em’ but we all really know they just can’t get a date. They often are seen wearing chubbies to show off their thighs even more so.

It’s practically the Lizzie McGuire movie of campus.

The one who’s obsessed with their Confederate flags

They’re hosting a party at their house on Saturday night. While not-so-discreetly showing people around, there will be at least one, if not more, Confederate flags hanging on the walls in a room or two. They’ll get asked about them and reply, “it’s about heritage, not hate”. They’re more than likely in SAE.

The one from up north

When it’s hot out, they’re in agony, complaining and sweaty and usually sunburnt. But when it’s cold out, hang onto your damn hat, because they’ll pop up out of nowhere and tell you how you don’t even know the MEANING of cold. They turn their nose up at sweet tea, grits, and fried green tomatoes, and don’t understand why everyone throws such a fit when they order unsweet tea when you go out. Every time they open their mouth to tell you how much better things are in New York, you want to shake them and shout, “THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO FLORIDA?????????”

The study group at the library that just go there to be seen

They’re there “all night” with Starbs in hand, but somehow you’re not sure they actually do any studying since they sit there chatting about who-fucking-knows-what all night. Between the four of them they manage to know every other person that walks by. They’re dressed in standard norts and Nikes with an oversized tee shirt with a grey headband. Meanwhile you are contemplating if death by studying is possible because you are on a three day sleepless study bender.

The one who constantly reminds you they’re from a small town

They’re from Ocala, or St. Augustine, or Leesburg and they will remind you of it constantly. They explain where their hometown is by associating it with closest major city near it, and they’ll talk about it all night if you tell them you’ve drove through it before. They graduated with a whopping 70 people and start every sentence with “where I’m from, we…” If they find someone from their hometown at a party it’s best to stray away, as they’ll compare mutual friends with one another for the rest of the night.

The North Florida surf rat

He’s got a Flogrown sticker on the back of his Nissan truck and he’s worn shoes to class like, once this semester. He transferred from a bigger university to UNF because he needed a “more low-key” learning environment to be successful. He’s majoring in something like finance and is actually rich out of the ass, despite looking like he dumpster dives for food, which he probably does because ~waste, man~. He’s got the word “kook” somewhere in his Instagram bio, and shares a dog with at least one of his friends.

The guys who wear letters from five different sororities

They walk into class wearing t-shirts with letters from different sororities every day of the week. Girlfriend, semi date, pomping partners, won a contest? It doesn’t matter. They’ll let their friends know, way too loudly, that they’re sleeping with a girl in said sorority while there’s definitely a sister within earshot.

The guy from your hometown who introduces himself to you 1,000 times

Unbeknownst to them, you’ve met at least 20 times. You’re obviously out in the same friend group, but they’ll walk up to you and introduce themselves as if they’ve never seen you before in their life. You’ll remind them that you met last weekend, and the weekend before, and probably once in high school. They’ll apologize and say “sorry, I swear it’s like we only meet when we’re drunk”, which is true. You’ll probably end up drunkenly making out with them, only to meet all over again next weekend. Time is a flat circle.

By Peyton Carper, Lexi Lampner, Matt McDonald, Caroline McMullen, Christina Riccardi, Chloe Schulte, Kami Thomas and Sydney Zaruba.