If girls won Oscars for faking orgasms and everything else we do every day

As the film world prepares to honor the best actresses and actors tonight at the 89th Academy Awards, we’re going to honor girls everywhere for being the smart and successful beams of light they are every day, when we really just want to eat spoonfuls of Nutella while we binge-watch Gossip Girl.

We’re the girls who can make cheekbones magically appear and the ones who let guys think tacos were their decision when in fact it was our plan all along when we said we don’t care where we eat.

Because we’re the real actresses.

And the Academy Award goes to all women for:

• Best Natural Makeup that took 11 products to achieve.

• Best Actress in a Leading Role for laughing at his shit jokes for a free drink.

• Best Visual Effects for subtle cleavage in your Snapchat to a crush.

• Best Acting of a fake orgasm when his tongue isn’t even near your clit.

• Best Acting for convincing everyone you’re “not that drunkkkk” after the fourth tequila shot.

• Best Costume for putting a blazer over last night’s hoe outfit and calling it work attire.

• Best Actress in a Supporting Role for helping your friend come up with an elaborate lie to save her from going home with an ugly guy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ_D8_3gVlD/?tagged=oscars

• Best Acting for calling your friend pretending to be mom to get her out of a bad date.

• Best Original Music Score for your carefully curated “Get Thiccc” playlist that keeps you going at the gym.

• Best Acting like you have no idea what he’s been up to when you see him even though you know his every move because you’ve spent hours stalking him on social media.

• Best Actress in a Leading Role for being the one everyone can count on to organize the night out.

• Best Directing of a squad pic where everyone has found their light source and looks fly as hell.

• Best Production Design for keeping your messy bedroom and leftover pizza out of the frame of your mirror pic.

• Best Acting like you care what happened during yesterday’s game.

• Best Actress in a Supporting Role for getting a creep to stop grinding on your friend at the club.

• Best Visual Effects for making angles magically appear on your face and boobs just by contouring.

• Best Costume for making the shirt you slept in acceptable to wear to brunch with a little deodorant and a jean jacket.

• Best Special Effects for spending 20 minutes editing an Instagram photo and tagging it with #nofilter.

• Best Adapted Screenplay for keeping your group chat constantly spicy with lots of cutting edge memes.

• Best Cinematography for a detailed account of your epic girls’ night out on your Snapchat story to make him jealous for not texting you back.

• Best Writing him off when he says he “doesn’t get the whole feminist thing.”

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• Best Set Design for when u get that last minute “Can I come over?” text and you have to scramble to throw everything in your closet and arrange yourself on the bed.

• Best Original Song for the words you belt out when you’re too drunk to remember the lyrics to Mr Brightside.

• Best Acting like your womb isn’t on fire when you have to act like a normal human on the first day of your period.

• Best Original Screenplay for pretending to be on the phone to avoid having an awkward conversation with someone you kind of know when you pass them on the street.

• Best Hairstyling for the deceiving messy bun and dry shampoo look on the fourth day you haven’t washed your hair.

• Best Actress in a Supporting Role for keeping the ugly guy in a bar occupied while your bestie flirts with his hot friend.

We’d like to thank our mothers for all their support, our girlfriends for collectively coming up with the best response to a text and the many fuckboys for the free drinks.