You have a patriotic obligation to turn up this weekend

It’s our last weekend ever with Obama as president — the end of one era and the beginning of another, much scarier one. Which means you have both a moral and a patriotic obligation to make this long weekend the best ever. You know, before the world ends and all.

Next weekend, when we leave work at 5pm sharp and head off to meet our friends for happy hour, we’ll be followed by a dark cloud of Trump’s America. Birds won’t sing as beautifully. Candy won’t taste as sweet. Shots won’t go down as easily.

In Trump’s America, you’ll never get a text back. You sure as fuck won’t get a promotion either, because the sweaty male mouthbreather from your department will snag it despite his vast under-qualification. You’ll shatter your iPhone every time you get it fixed in Trump’s America. And your hangover will always last all. Fucking. Day.

So this weekend — this long, glorious, MLK Day weekend — go all in. Volunteer. Turn up. Hang out with your friends from high school you keep blowing off. Brunch twice. No, brunch three times. Brunch while you still can.