But actually, here’s who Donald Trump should appoint to his Cabinet

November 8 was a big day in America. Donald Trump was elected President by less than half of our country, proving to young, rich, white boys everywhere that you can do anything you set your mind to. But considering we live in the Greatest Nation on Earth™, we’re always looking forward to the future. Trump is looking to fill his Cabinet, and I humbly offer the following suggestions.

Spencer Pratt, Secretary of the Treasury

No one can manifest something out of absolutely fucking nothing like Spencer did with his career, and that’s something we need during these delicate economic times. One word: crystals. Yes, we all laughed when he blew millions of dollars buying them. But he’ll be the one laughing when they attract energy that will, in turn, attract billions of dollars. America’s tried it the old way. We need change. It’s time to try literal magic.

Hot Criminal, Secretary of Labor

Jeremy “Hot Criminal” Meeks is the American Dream personified. First of all, he managed to make his mugshot turn out better than any Instagram selfie I have ever taken (even after I’ve applied FaceTune and like, three filters) but he transformed his incarceration into viral fame which is the only thing money can’t buy you. Okay, yes, he is a felon. Yes, he was (is?) a member of the Northside Gangster Crips. But haven’t we all ran with a crowd we’re not so proud of? I know I wouldn’t want my former tenure as a member of the Stinson Middle School PrEpS (find us on MySpace) to be counted against me. This nation was founded on second chances.

Hulk Hogan, Attorney General

OK, icon. We’ve seen how well he can run his household on Hogan Knows Best, so we know he can run a country. Because they’re the same thing. Who better to reform America’s libel laws — which Trump desperately wants to do — than the guy who shut down Gawker over a sex tape that contained lines like, “I can’t believe I just ate. I feel like a pig.” He also has amazing values that we can all look up to, is rich (aspirational!) and only one of his kids severely paralyzed someone street racing so you know he’s a good dad.

Brooke Hogan, Chief of Staff

Brooke is the Ivanka of Trump’s cabinet, and by Ivanka I mean her dad also wants to fuck her. I honestly don’t know what’s more iconic: her song with Paul Wall that she opens by cooing, “What it do, Paul Wall?” or the time her dad raged on her, calling himself her ideal husband and threatening to “bring Hulkamania” on anyone she married. Brooke the songbird defended his honor with a poem that nobody read. She’s also starred in not one, but two separate Sharknado rip-offs, proving her commitment to getting attention no matter the cost.

“My father brought a smile to people light, medium and dark.” –an excerpt from Brooke’s poem.

Frankie Muniz, Secretary of State

Has an incredible grasp on geopolitical espionage as he played Agent Cody Banks in the eponymous smash-hit blockbuster film. Once named “Hollywood’s most bankable teen,” Muniz gave it all up for the fast-paced, lucrative world of open-wheel racing, whatever that is. After driving the pace car in the race that killed Dale Earnhardt (RIP), Muniz joined — and left — two unsigned bands, leaving him plenty of time to work on strengthening America’s foreign relations and fill his Wikipedia with photos that look like they were taken with a flip phone.

Tila Tequila, Secretary of Education

It is critical that President Trump appoints people who aren’t afraid of exposing truths the liberal media shy away from. Who else would tell her 69,000 (lol) Twitter followers (her account has now been suspended) that the Earth is flat? Who else would pose in her underwear in front of Auschwitz? Who else would remind us at every turn that it was in fact the Jews who killed Jesus? We need someone who refuses to be a part of PC culture to #trigger liberals and set America free with the truth.

Bret Michaels, Surgeon General

What better man to preside over the health of this nation than the guy who has personally contracted every jacuzzi-borne disease known to man? Brett is also a chronic bandana wearer and pioneer of the phrase “don’t threaten me with a good time” so you know he’s the exact salt-of-the-earth, middle American dude who the rest of the country will listen to when he’s making emergency broadcast announcements about whatever biological warfare Russia’s gonna unleash on us. Can’t you just picture him wearing an American flag bandana and a blazer with no shirt underneath, calling the nation “hun” collectively and encouraging us to to “keep rockin'” as we flush our festering acid wounds with water?

Martin Shkreli, Secretary of Commerce

Yes, he does look like someone cut off his face and crudely reattached it with with a glue gun. But having a face that looks like it’s made entirely out of skin grafts does not measure someone’s entrepreneurial ability — and his is major. It takes a special kind of greedy dirtbag to hike the price of a life-saving pharmaceutical, but he did it all with a smile on his scarecrow-looking face. And that’s what this country needs — someone who’s not afraid to stand up to the people so that rich white men can further their agenda to save us all from ourselves. He does Robin Hood for the proletariats sometimes, though, generously offering to bail Bobby Shmurda out of jail and even blessing us with an unreleased Wu-Tang track after Trump won.

Kid Rock, Secretary of the Interior

While he might seem at first glance to be a redneck Bret Michaels, the reality is that Kid Rock has just as much to offer this nation as he did the women from his sex tape with Scott Stapp of Creed. Which is to say not much, but he’ll really make up for it with a lot of misguided enthusiasm. He’s an avid hunter who likes to kill protected animals so you know he spends time outdoors (crucial for the Dept. of the Interior) but also likes to make thoughtful political commentary like he did in his groundbreaking ballad, “Black Chick, White Guy”, and when he screamed “fuck Colin Kaepernick” at his Boston show earlier this year.

Azealia Banks, Environmental Protection Agency Administration

Nothing proves that life isn’t fair like the fact that the woman who brought us the generation-defying bop 212 can also tweet at Sarah Palin that she wants to hire “the burliest, blackest” dudes to run a train on her while she films it for WorldStar all over a fake news article. She might seem like an odd choice for EPA administrator, but consider the fact that she continues to say the most horrific, poisonous shit ever spewed out of a garbage disposal and maintain moderate relevancy in this world. Our earth is undergoing similar attacks by noxious poisons and needs to survive. Plus, her Twitter would really take the heat off Trump’s.