Stop shaming young professional women for being in relationships

I was recently stalking one of my friends on Facebook and realized she had deleted all the pictures of her boyfriend from her profile. Nervously, I checked her Instagram. They were gone on that profile, too. I sent her a text to ask if they had broken up.

“No. I’m just applying to medical school. My dad suggested I take them down.”

This moment made me realize something. Throughout life, I was constantly being told by adults to avoid boyfriends. They were a distraction from school and there was always a fear I would run away from my dreams chasing a stupid boy.

Once I had a boyfriend, people were worried I would ditch my dream college to move in with him or forget about my career aspirations. Single friends would tell me they were “focusing on their career” and “didn’t have time to waste in a relationship.”

It wasn’t until I saw my friend hiding her relationship that I realized the contradiction that I, and many young women, face when developing romantic relationships. First, societal traditions and the media often instructs young women to aspire to marriage, and shames being single. And second, the professional world pushes young women to remain single, believing that women in relationships are more likely to ditch a professional program or job for their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands.

Both sides of this harmful dichotomy present a definition of women based on their relationship status and keeps them from making romantic choices for themselves. Many outdated gender traditions have forced young women to ditch or hide romantic relationships in the pursuit of professional goals.

Many women applying to prestigious professional schools, fellowships and full-time employment hide their relationships from employers and admissions committees in order to appear as dedicated or focused as their male counterparts. Due to the long-held belief that professional men are the breadwinners in their relationships, they aren’t considered as likely to prioritize a relationship over a profession.

Additionally, many women hide their relationships from employers in order to appear as strong-willed or capable as their male counterparts. Often, women are unable to operate in the public eye as both romantic or sexual beings (girlfriends, mothers, etc.) and intelligent, capable professionals. Meanwhile, men’s sexuality and relationships with women seem to tie into their perception as a strong and capable professional.

While society says men are capable of “having it all” – being a sexy husband, loving father, strong leader and intelligent professional – women are often forced to choose one role at a time.

This struggle to appear capable, determined and intelligent in a relationship is even more difficult for women of color, who already face racial biases when trying to prove their skills. Additionally, this struggle can be more difficult for women who identify with the LGBTQ+ community due to the sexualization of queer relationships.

As a society, we need to end these limiting judgements of women in relationships. We need to encourage the idea that interpersonal relationships foster dedication, emotional intelligence and compromise – three important skills in the workforce.

That means as a parent, if your child is seeking a relationship, encourage your daughters to seek out fulfilling relationships with partners that encourage their personal goals.

As a friend, don’t suggest healthy relationships are a waste of time or career-limiting.

As a partner, encourage your girlfriend’s professional aspirations, understand the social standards limiting her and strive to help in any way possible.

As an employer or admissions advisor, understand that learning about one person can help a potential employee understand many people.