I went to see 50 Shades of Grey with my Mum

She fell asleep

| UPDATED noad

Most went to see 50 Shades of Grey with their mates, or significant other. Instead, I had to bond over BDSM with my Mother. 

As far as day trips go, it was pretty weird. Sandy, my Mum, claimed she couldn’t have been less excited to watch the film, despite having read all 3 books religiously.

Said every middle aged woman everywhere.

Obviously she was excited

She cemented the awkward vibe by subjecting me, and the rest of the theater, to an overly in depth pre-show discussion: “I read worse books when I was younger, the film is just going to be porn really, isn’t it? I’d rather not see it myself, he’s not even hot”. What books was she reading as a child? Is she blind?

And what could possibly be worse than whips, chains, and genital shaving anyway? “I’ve basically watched pornography with the books I’ve read, like Joan Collins sister’s books or things about slavery and the way they treated slave women, Mandingo for example,” she said. Totally different era. Stop talking. Please.

The mortgage

After she’d aired her former soft pornography habits to all, we finally began to relax. Sandy relaxed a little too much and began to fall asleep, clearly expectation was high. If I couldn’t wake her up, the raucous laughter after a premature ejaculation advert certainly did.

Sandy, asleep before the film started

The film began and overall it wasn’t the worst way to spend a little over two hours, but both my mum and I left underwhelmed.

Frankly, when Christian says “I’m 50 shades of fucked up”, it satisfactorily sums up the entire film – strange, from start to finish. Even stranger with your Mum in tow.

As a viewer you are not actually exposed to anything much like pornography on screen and so the 18 rating and “strong sex” description seemed a little extreme.

We also saw all of Anastasia’s body but none of Christian’s which seems a little unfair. In my mum’s opinion, “if we had seen a little more of Mr Grey that would have made it”.Could not fault her insight on that one.

Me and mum at the cinema

Overall, Sandy rated the film 4/10 and the books a slightly more impressive 6/10.

She then drove home, made a cup of tea and proceeded to lecture me about how love isn’t pain, there shouldn’t have needed to be a contract and that Christian Grey’s dominatrix was actually a child molester.

The debrief was arguably the most uncomfortable thing about the event.