Notts student horoscopes: Results day edition

Exams might not define you, but your zodiac sign does

Another semester over, another exam season complete. The 3am study sessions are over, we can now stop drinking an inhumane amount of coffee and actually sleep past 9am. All that’s left to do is hope and pray that your TurnItIn report says you haven’t plagiarised or that the last minute cram you did on the bus to campus paid off. That being said, if you’re anything like me, the post exam debrief on the 34 bus suggests you’re probably going to need more than praying…

After you’ve convinced yourself and all your friends that you’ve definitely failed exams, you’ll resort to the classic “nothing we can do now. What will be, will be”. That’s where I come in! I’m here to let you know what’s in store for you all based solely on the day you were born. As a girl who reads her horoscope every now and then, I think I’m pretty qualified for this. In the words of Tinie Tempah “it’s written in the stars”.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Starting off with the first sign of the zodiac, Aries are ambitious. When an Aries is on a mission, there’s no stopping them. Bull in a china shop vibes, or I guess ram in a china shop? This determination is what drives them to aim high and achieve and this is reflected in exam season. Hard work means results and if that’s what they want, that is what they will get no matter what.

However, Aries need to be mindful that they can sometimes be moody and short-tempered – fire sign by name fire sign by nature. No bueno. I don’t care how stressed you are, you have to be nice to people. In their defence, half the time they don’t mean it, they just don’t realise they’re doing it. So, in the stress of the weeks before results day, my advice to all Aries is to think before they speak and consider what their words mean. But outside of that, have a break – you work too hard.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Look up Taurus in a dictionary and you’ll see responsible and reliable. They’ll be at the 9am revision sessions if it kills them because they know they might get some insider info on what’ll be on the exam. Their patience and practicality makes them an excellent study buddy because even if you don’t know what’s going on, they’ll be great teachers and won’t hate you for asking 1000 questions.

Contrary to their patient nature, there’s nothing like a stubborn Taurus. They just will not quit. It makes for good revision as they won’t move on until they know what’s going on but not so good under the time constraints of the exam hall. However, that is where fight or flight kicks in and no Taurus would give up on a silly little exam. I see bright things in store for results day for you Taurus.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20.

A Gemini is nothing if not adaptable which is necessary given the number of different things they try and juggle on a daily basis. Honestly, no one asks a Gemini to do the most, they just do it all by themselves but I love that for them. Productive girlies. They pick up ideas and concepts super quickly which is a blessing in exam season because a quick glance over the course content and it’s locked in.

Results are not an issue for Geminis but inconsistency is. While they may work non stop on a random Tuesday, the next day they’ll do absolutely nothing except maybe a food shop at Lidl if you’re lucky, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. This is the energy Geminis will be carrying with them over the next few weeks but a little friendly advice – consistency is key and so is a good sleep schedule.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

In the nicest way possible, talking to a Cancer about results day is depressing. In my opinion, they are the most pessimistic sign in the zodiac and that says a lot. While you may be joking about failing your exams and dropping out, a Cancer will hit you with things like “No but what if we actually do fail”. There’s nothing like silence around the dinner table as you think about your career plans going down the toilet.

However, this all comes from a place of insecurity which is something I recommend Cancers work on in the coming weeks. Their emotional nature only adds to the panic but remember you’re a tenacious sign. You work hard so you get results and you deserve it! You just need to believe that you do.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Hello to the Leos. I know for a fact you all just skipped to the first place you could see the word “Leo” because you’re all obsessed with yourselves. You’re in good company with J-Lo, Barack Obama and Meghan Markle also being Leos. A Leo is one of the best friends you can have with them being fiercely loyal, so if you have one then hold onto them.

That being said Leos are lazy. If they’re not looking in a mirror then they’re probably lying down and honestly I love that for them. The next few weeks for Leos are going to be a whole lot of nothing. Sleep, catch up on Love Island, stare at the wall, whatever floats your boat. That is until results day when they’ll be refreshing the results page like the rest of us.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

The organisation of a Virgo is unmatched. I can guarantee they probably had a colour coded revision timetable prepared a good couple of months before exams started to ensure they would cover every inch of content with weeks to spare. I have absolutely no concerns with the Virgo’s exam results.

My concern with Virgos is the perfectionism. I do envy how good you are at everything but trust me you do not need 100 per cent in every exam or coursework. Don’t be the person that “did really bad” but got 79 per cent because you’ll make everyone else feel bad about themselves. Also Virgos, I’m literally begging you to stop working. Exam season is done so please go and do something fun. I don’t care if that’s retail therapy at the Victoria centre or going to Sheaves with friends but just leave the house.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

My people! I may be slightly biased on this one, but Libras are by far the superior zodiac sign. Their whole vibe is to keep the peace and be friends with everyone. As I look into my crystal ball, I see a busy social calendar for Libras – exams are over but Ocean and Rock City are open. You’ve got a million friends to go out with and can get flirting with the rugby team at Crisis like the Libra you are.

Though, as a Libra myself, I know deep down you’re panicking about literally everything. The indecisiveness is a curse. Did you study enough? Did you pick the right modules for next semester? Did you even pick the right degree? Calm down bestie, it’ll all be okay. Go find a fellow air sign (Gemini, Aquarius, Libra) and have some fun – I hear we’re very compatible.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

You’re all crazy. I googled traits of Scorpios and it literally said “violent”. Easily one of the most passionate signs of the zodiac and will always stand up for what they believe in, including star signs. I have a Scorpio friend who once told me someone tied their shoe the same way as her because they’re also a Scorpio (you know who you are).

However, Scorpios beware – that passion can come through as emotion especially because you’re also a water sign. You’ve probably already had a few meltdowns about exam season and how you’re going to fail your degree. Plus I know you’re all secretive and won’t tell anyone you’re stressed, so try channeling that emotion into something productive. Pick up a hobby, go for a walk around Wollaton park or meet up with friends and maybe tell them how you’re feeling. Just a thought.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

I love Sagittarius’ for one reason: they really have no filter or patience. Honestly it’s amazing because they’ll say exactly what you’re thinking but they’re just not a wet wipe which is also one of the reasons they are so funny. Sometimes it can get them in trouble but what’s life without a little risk.

A Sagittarius likes to take on more than they can handle – five exams, a dissertation to write and two house parties this week but sure Unit 13 on Friday sounds good! Chill. No one is going to hate you because you say no, but you’ll hate yourself for it by results day. My advice for you is to take it easy for the next few weeks.  You’re a naturally curious sign with a love of learning so only do the stuff you want to do otherwise you’ll not enjoy yourself and where’s the fun in that.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

One thing about a Capricorn is that they have the patience of a saint and are extremely well organised like their fellow earth signs (looking at you Virgo and Taurus). Capricorns have the best self-discipline and you can bet if they have their sights set on something they’re going to get it. They’re responsible and have great self-control which is not something I can relate to.

That being said they always expect the worst. Now I’m sure 99 per cent of you Capricorns reading this are not going to fail all your exams but I’m sure you all think you will. You’re a bit too hard on yourselves for my liking, so my advice for you is a little bit of self care. This doesn’t have to be baths and face masks and painting your nails, just something you like doing that will stop your brain thinking about your results. Get yourself to the Varsity matches if you’re into sports – nothing like a bit of healthy competition to take your mind off impending doom.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 19

If my TikTok is anything to go by, we’ve all been hurt by an Aquarius because they’re emotionally unavailable and temperamental. Now I’m not going to hold that against you all – it’s not your fault you were born in the worst zodiac. I’m pretty sure Aquarius’ hate people, so maybe the best advice I can give them is to use their confidence to make some friends?

On a more serious note, you’re all very, very smart and probably spent most of the last few weeks in Monny P or Boots library. You’re independent and don’t rely on others to help you out, so every success is always your own. I have every confidence in you and in your exam results. A kind piece of advice – maybe work on being a little more emotionally available if you’re not already. If not for yourselves, do it for me and my TikTok page.

Pisces: February 20 – March 20

You’re so nice! You’re one of those people that everyone loves because you’re so empathetic and compassionate and kind. I do not have enough Pisces friends so if your birthday is coming up soon and you want to be besties then drop me a message please and thank you. Pisces are an asset to any cause they care about and they care about so many!

While everyone else thinks you’re amazing, you have loads of self doubt and lack confidence. Your niceness can also be taken advantage of because you’re so trusting and people are mean. I’m sensing your exam results will give you a little boost in self esteem but work on building up that confidence in the next few weeks in preparation for hot girl summer. I’m not saying you need to do daily affirmations but maybe accept a compliment or two from your friends – they wouldn’t say it if they didn’t mean it. You’re great Pisces, you just need to realise it!

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