This is exactly which Saltburn character your Durham college would be, based on vibes

Saltburn has well and truly hit Durham: Jimmy’s is playing Murder on the Dancefloor on repeat and Jacob Elordi edits can be seen on Billy B procrastinator’s screens. This calls for a college run-down! P.S. Please don’t come for me if you get given a psychopath or an irrelevant extra.

Aidan’s and Ustinov – Michael Gavey (aka. Oxford nerd)

The nerd vibe is strong within these colleges, with their inhabitants safely tucked away in Neville’s Cross or up the world’s biggest staircase. Ustinov certainly doesn’t deserve a reputation for annoyingness, but I could imagine certain Aidan’s residents having Michael Gavey’s “F*cking ask me a sum then!” outburst in their bland bar. But take this with a pinch of salt since the character is highly intelligent, and knew something was off from the beginning.

Castle – Sir James Catton

As Durham’s first historic college, being a knight and patriarch of Saltburn is an obvious choice. Much like the people there, Sir James is very welcoming – I should know, having snuck into their dining hall lunch many a time… Many Castle-goers actually willingly apply to this college, but some are lumped in Moatside accommodation; this unfortunate lot likely embody the misery of Sir James after Felix’s death.

Chad’s – Felix’s cousin

You might be wondering how this Catton family member made it on the list, but this self-proclaimed jewel of the Bailey colleges is so tightly knit that it screams incest. Felix’s offhand “I accidentally f*ngered my cousin here” left us gobsmacked in cinemas, but hey, at least their bar is cute?

Collingwood – Felix Catton

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Like Felix Catton, they seem to have it all! Amazing bar and facilities, minted college sponsors, hot people – no wonder people respect and gravitate towards this college. But no college is as perfect as it seems, much like the Catton family dynamic, and people may get fatally jealous of this college’s status.

Cuth’s – Venetia Catton

St. Cuthbert’s Society is rich, cool, and wants to make itself known as different to other colleges. Though I really can’t speak for any comparison’s to Venetia’s troubled psyche and her being “sexually incontinent”, she’s a kind and misunderstood character much like Cuth’s. Behind the bleach blonde and bulimia, there’s a lot more to her under the surface since she weasels out Oliver’s bad intentions.

Hatfield – Elspeth Catton

Though there are outliers, the predominant demographic of Hatfield are the privately educated, drawling socialites of Elspeth’s calibre. When speaking to some Hatfielders, there’s a similar feeling of Elspeth’s euphemism – saying something nice whilst meaning something judgy. Of course others can be genuinely welcoming, but then again who wants to be welcomed into a bar resembling a GP waiting room?

Hild Bede and South = Pamela

Bless her, Pamela is a bit odd. But, a fashion icon! These colleges seem to be teetering towards notoriety, either for their theatrical prowess or their Tim Luckhurst scandal respectively, but never quite get there. Both colleges seem to exude a fearless pushback against the norm, as seen reflected in Pamela’s haute couture clownish apparel. Unfortunately, Pamela’s father’s prediction that she’ll end up at the bottom of the Thames is apt for Hild Bede’s unideal location, ages from anywhere and by the Wear.

John’s – Vicar Wainwright

John’s has definitely had enough of this comparison, but they are undeniably famously a very Christian college. As a cultish college that keeps its goings-on to itself, it has definitely had to witness other Bailey college make fools of themselves in various scandals; Vicar Wainwright likely looked out of his parish window towards Felix’s grave and had a right fright (if you know, you know).

John Snow and Trevs – Duncan (aka the creepy butler)

Maybe it’s because Paul Rhys (Welsh acting legend) plays him, but I think Duncan the butler is an icon. Always lurking on the sidelines, John Snow gets to an enjoy the full extent of luxury – the Hub’s music room, yoga/dance studio, gym etc – without getting in the way of the public eye. These colleges’ people can see right through fakery, they are frank and true to themselves, which may explain why they are underrated.

Jobo and Stevo – Oliver Quick’s parents

Whilst Jobo and Stevo live far away up the hill, Oliver’s parents live up north in an imagined drug squat which turns out to be a standard middle class home. You would never fathom trekking all the way there, but once you do these colleges defy all expectation – they’re actually alright! Stevo’s bar gets flack for its railway theme but, much like in a cosy home, a quaint theme fits in nicely. Both colleges represent a comfy suburban home with their spacious rooms and well-manicured grassy mound.

Mary’s – Annabel/Farleigh

This college has a very aesthetic exterior – I’m talking about the buildings but this also applies to the people – but the interior is unexpected. The girl’s boarding school effect of the buildings’ interior extends to the cattiness of some Mary’s-goers, and you could imagine a boarding institution is where Annabel and Farleigh picked up their quirks. In Mary’s, Annabel encompasses the sweet people-pleasers and Farleigh their snidely insecure counterparts.

Van Mildert and Grey – Oliver Quick

I simply cannot trust these slippery colleges. Nobody can quite pinpoint what their vibe is, but I’ve marked a rise in Mildert rugby boys trying to slip into the “rah” Bailey crowd unnoticed like Oliver with the Cattons. Much like Oliver’s (imagined) working and (real) middle-class identity, Grey college is a mix of posh and non-posh. In conclusion, I have my doubts that they would commit any of Oliver’s psycho-sexual torture yet these chameleon colleges fade into any environment suspiciously well…

Featured image via Prime Video

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