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What your college says about your vagina | The Periodical

The question on everyone’s lips


The world is full of vaginas in an array of shapes, colours and sizes. There are almost as many vaginas as there are Cambridge colleges. But have you ever wondered what your college says about your vagina?

Wonder no more, for today the Vagina Guru will reveal all. I’ve been dishing out far too much sincere advice on this column, so now that exams are on the horizon, it’s time for some light relief.

Clare

Like the deep, dark cellars of Clare, your vagina is the place to be. Its flora and fauna have grown freely into a beautiful garden of wildlife, so wild that David Attenborough is probably in there somewhere poking around.

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Dave enjoying a forage, because there's no need for pruning here

St John’s

The swankiest of vaginas. Vagazzled with bling – and probably pubes shaved to match your signet ring – your vag is gorgeous but very exclusive. Everyone kind of hates it but also kind of wishes it were theirs.

Girton

Your vagina is a hidden gem. Shrouded in mystery – and perhaps a bit of dust – few people make the effort to visit it, but those who do don’t regret it.

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Raiding the Lost Ark of a Girtonian vagina is not for the faint of heart

Jesus

The sporty spice of the vagina world. Your vagina has muscles strong enough to move vehicles. I’m not sure how that would work, but where there’s a willing vagina, there’s a way.

Corpus Christi

Small, but your vag loves a big cock. Sorry, clock.

Trinity

Your vagina is self-assured, very assertive and quite intimidating. Anyone who sleeps with you will give a lot more than they get, much like students with Trinity May Ball tickets. Good on you!

Trinity Hall

You may take pride in your work – as much as Tit Hall students do in their river-view library – but, though few would expect it, you play hard too, especially with your vag. That library has an excellent view of orgasm bridge, which your vagina makes sure to cross frequently.

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UNHhhh; that feeling when you ride home from lectures

Any of the Grad colleges

Your vagina is a little older, and a little wiser for it. It’s seen some shit, it’s had some fun, and it knows what it likes. It’s not here to fool around.

King’s

Somehow it feels like your vagina is always waving the communist flag – by which I mean menstruating. It’s a very liberal vagina though, open to pretty much anything. You’ve probably given free bleeding a go.

Emmanuel

A super pretty vagina. Everyone admires it. It has the BEST hygiene – probably with a bleached behind to match it – much like students of Emma with their free laundry service.

Downing

Your vagina could’ve come out of a Jane Austen novel, in that it prefers to go unmentioned. It’s a bit prim and proper but quite impressive, rather like Downing’s stately home-esque architecture and the Tories it houses.

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You can't tell but she's actually orgasming, she's just too sophisticated to show it

Churchill

A bit of a challenge to get to, and once you’re there it’s a total maze, but once things are worked out it’s actually quite pleasant.

Homerton

Homerton's abundance of Education students like to educate in the classroom as much as the bedroom. Your vagina is very understanding. It's patient with lovers who are inexperienced, or just inept, and you’re happy to give some guidance and a helping hand to make sure your vag gets satisfied in the end.

Pembroke

Your vagina is – pardon me for my frankness – delicious. Your milkshake really does bring everyone to the yard. It’s almost like you have a Michelin star chef behind it, rather like Pembroke’s renowned trough.

Sidney Sussex

You’re always well stocked on the vagina essentials. Tampons, lube, moisturiser – you name it, you've got it. Living on Mainsbury’s doorstep, your vagina is really organised and has the kind of togetherness everyone envies.

Robinson

If King’s seemed a bit menstrual, Robinson is on a whole other level of redness. Poor Robinson, nobody seems to say anything nice about it, and like your college, your vagina puts up with a lot. When it's menstruating it looks like a massacre happened. But it's got to be a strong vag to put up with all of that!

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Robinson looks like it pools about as much period blood as it does its students

Was I close? If not, you’re probably in the wrong college. Make sure you check the other colleges to see which would be right for you and your happy valley, so you can transfer before it's too late.

Really though, every vagina is different, and every vagina is beautiful! Please love your vaginas and love yourselves in the coming weeks.

I’m afraid there won’t be another article for a couple of weeks, because even Vagina Gurus take exams unfortunately. Good luck everyone, and please take care of yourselves.