Which Ikea table is your college?

You’ve been waiting for this one

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It’s time The Tab removed its Anglosphere eyes and set its sights on something altogether a bit more socialist and Scandinavian. 

An investigation from Varsity’s Science section reported that every ‘topic’ in the English-speaking world has now been the subject of a “Which [insert trope here] is your college” article. Bar one.

All Ikea tables are officially advertised as the same. Each table offers the same functional purpose: “Choose any!”, the Ikea catalogue screams. “The work you complete at your Ikea table will be the same no matter which one you end up with!”. But, lurking beneath this thin veneer that all Ikea tables are equal are age-old discrepancies and differences, which haunt their owners. It is not uncommon for one Ikea table owner to mock and stereotype another, based on which Ikea table they are studying at.

Fitzwilliam – Glasholm

The Glasholm table maintains a gratuitously edgy aesthetic, in a thinly veiled attempt at hiding just how ugly and modern it is.

You probably won’t accomplish much working there, at that table.

Downing – Bekant 

Spacious, well-planned and distinctly American in feel, Bekant’s charms and class are nearly enough to cover up for the obvious: it’s a space for conferences.

Homerton – Hol storage table

The Hol is a storage table: it exists solely to house surplus items from overly-full tables. Hol is probably far away.

Churchill – Fredde

Outsiders will be ready to attack Fredde for its poor design, but it’s undeniable functionality will be the only concern for its typical tenant. Fredde is the perfect place for someone with a lot of computers, but no style.

Gonville and Caius – Bjursta 

Centrally placed, old-fashioned and maybe a bit stuffy, the Bjursta dining table fits a lot of people in for its moderate size but fundamentally offers a horrible dining experience.

Clare – Malm

Malm is fairly big, but doesn’t have that much going on. There are more aesthetically pleasing desks yet Malm is enduringly popular.

Peterhouse – The Hemnes Bureau

Esteemed and classic, this is a desk of antiquity.

However, hidden behind its elegant facade are preposterous secrets. You don’t want to look under the surface of the Hemnes Bureau.

King’s – Anvandbar

Anvandbar so desperately wants to be niche and edgy, but it’s an Ikea table so its edginess appears feigned and unnatural. No amount of hemp tablecloth can make Anvandbar appear less a part of the establishment.

Still, with its storage basin in the middle of the table for all to use, Anvandbar is an impassioned advocate of communism.

Emmanuel – Klimpen

Klimpen’s silver detailing on its draw handles are nice, fine, but they don’t go beyond nice. The same could be said of a duckpond.

Robinson – Lack

Lack is red. It’s also a very cheap accessory to other tables, just as Robinson is to the college system.

Some tables are so cheap they’re not even cheerful. At least Lack lives up to its name.

Sidney – Knotten 

Knotten is to desks what Sidney is to colleges – small, self-defeating and utterly pointless.

Queens’ – Vaddo

In the 70s Vaddo would have passed for mildly distasteful, but now it’s unequivocally ugly.

Ikea’s key selling point for Vaddo is that it can be folded and stored away. The back of Queens’ could learn a lot from Ikea.

Selwyn – Nornas

It’s small but not tiny, and it’s constructed out of quality but not the best materials. Nornas has nothing to offer Which X is your college articles, and neither does Selwyn.

Trinity – The Henmes Bureau with add-on bookcase

The Deluxe Hemnes Bureau is scholarly, stately and incredibly well endowed (made of solid wood, unlike Ikea’s cheaper veneer offerings).

The poster-child of the Ikea desk and table collection, once you settle down at Hemnes you are there to work. Despite its beautiful exterior, you realise it is nothing more than a large, over-towering super-structure designed to submit you into working hard.

Girton – Gerton

Unless you were insane, Gerton is the office solution you ended up with, rather than chose. No one chooses to study at Gerton.

Still, if you can look past the obvious pitfalls, Gerton’s durability and unassuming nature may make for a surprisingly comfortable working environment.

Sorry to Pembroke, Corpus etc for the lack of inclusion. These are just Ikea tables and you’re just not that interesting.