Confessions of a Sex Cam Boy

I can’t quite remember the first time I did it, but I remember what motivated it.

I’d just come out of a 2 year relationship with a girl and I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay.

Still in the closet at this point, webcam modelling became a way for me to express my sexuality.

It was pretty casual for the first two years. I would do it for free on skype with strangers, but it became more serious after I turned 18. At 18, I was able to join a professional site, called ‘Chaturbate’ where I would model for money.

I began to do it 2/3 times a week, although it would vary quite a bit. I’d wait until my parents had gone to bed, and then I’d feel the guilty rush as I logged on.

I would spend a couple of hours online in each session.

It was never about the money. It was the excitement. The denigration was actually part of the attraction, a sort of sexual self-hate.

It tapped into my exhibitionist side, although I never really understood the fetishes of some of my clients. Like feet, people fucking loved feet – licking them, sucking them. Never understood that one.

The weirdest one by far was this guy who had a thing for me putting fruit and veg up my bum. A nice firm carrot had a pleasing aspect, but there was a ripe banana that burst a bit too early.

I was no expert at it. I’m not the most physically fit person so I quickly learnt the best lights to model in, my best angles, what moves enticed people.

At first I had a few dissatisfied customers, but I quickly got the hang of it…and well, even when I didn’t, they’d already paid.

Interestingly, none of this ever leaked back into my sex life at the time. I was still into fairly straight sex. The exhibitionism was another life. I never paid for the service myself but you could watch some videos for free where people would broadcast themselves.

I understood the allure of the anonymity of my clients, the voyeurism. Although people would request to meet up in person, I doubt they were serious, it was just part of the game.

My friends didn’t know at the time, they didn’t find out to a long time later. It took me quite a while to process it all after I stopped. The mixture of shame attached with sex and my sexuality it engendered, and the anxiety of anyone finding out took a while for me to deconstruct. I’m still working on it now. My parents still don’t know to this day (nor do I hope, will they ever). For a very long time, I was terrified they would find out.

I actually often did it for free. It was never about the money. In fact, I never really made that much (I wasn’t very good), maybe £200 in total. Shame, I eventually lost it all.

I kept on doing it into my first year at university but began fazing it out. This was partly due to becoming more confident in my sexuality I guess, or maybe I was just distracted by my new life here. I had stopped all paid work by the end of my first year.

Unfortunately, there was one client, or perhaps ‘companion’ is a better term, who I kept in contact with well into my second year. He eventually started blackmailing me.

But that’s a story I’d have to tell you in person, or perhaps on camera.