Tales of my Greedy Punt – Week 2

Just one of the consequences of struggling to go a week without intercourse is that you rack up a sumptuous portfolio of destination shags.

I like to think of myself as a bit like a cat and as we all know, ‘Cats give head anywhere, any table, any chair.’

Once you’ve utilised all possible floorspace, deskspace, bathspace, and even McEwaned that shit up in the Library, once, twice, three times, oh baby you need to take your fucks to the street. Hopefully my devious little list of my best Cambridge al-fresco fucks will prove this to you.

1. Under The Tree

This is a personal favourite of mine. In full bloom you can dash across the lawn and have sex, out of sight, in the middle of the day. The danger of being caught is almost enough to make you come alone.

The tree lends itself to your front being pushed up against the trunk and being fucked from behind (oh, that sweet taste of bark).

Another simple method is having the boy sitting in her majestic, tangled roots with yourself on-top. Otherwise, try it up against the back railings of the college, you can sort of hoist yourself up clinging onto the railings behind you, I lack the appropriate core and upper-body strength to make this a long-term position. But you rowers go for it.

2. In de club.

This is a straightforward and simple solution to the most obvious problem of wanting to get laid but not wanting to either be accused of ‘dumping your friends’ to chase some skirt or being ‘boring’ for preferring to go home with your other half instead of pissing your student loan away on stupid 2 for 1 cocktails at The Vaults (stupidly DELICIOUS, am I right?!).

Go bone in the loo and then you can take your flushed face and cummy pants back onto the D-Flo.

This will either lead to the sharing of knowing post-coital smiles, or comfort eating your way through all those amazing free peanuts.

3. Near de club

If you don’t have the ease of a same-sex preference or you can’t sneak a member of the opposite sex past those loo ladies (cautionary tale – don’t try and bribe them), you’re going to have to take it outside.

Your options are: Parker’s Piece spoon sex in the pale light of Reality Checkpoint, the little street by Revs and a shag in the doorway inlet where everyone pisses, the car park near Lola’s, or you could use a good old-fashioned Market stall.

4. The Punts

Having sex in our city’s namesake sure does sound like an epic fuckpiphany.

However, not only does intercourse in water work against natural lubrication, you also end up looking like that scene in ‘Show Girls’ (just…google it), AND can you imagine the diseases?! Vile diseases. In. Your. Fanny. Rat shit literally being pumped into your lovely clean cervix. I’m sorry to put that image into your head.

So, instead, rent a punt out and take it out to Paradise Nature Reserve. Not only is it a dogging site, but there is a fantastic Naturist club there. When in Rome!

Otherwise like me, you can simply hop onto the moored punts at night. Embrace the noise of the punts bashing against each other in unison with your thrusts.

5. Granchester

This is when location, location, location really comes into play. Why not be looking at Cambridge’s divine, undulating fields and calming river that inspired the likes of Byron and Woolf whilst being penetrated, eh?

The best idea is to swim across to the tree (ok, I like having sex under trees) in the third field and do it there.

Be warned. If you’re in love with Grantchester like I am these will be the most romantic fucks of your life. Not to get sappy on y’all but this is sacred fucking ground.

Phewf, so there it is. Although, this list is far from exhaustive. So go forth, and explore Cambridge’s real tourist ‘hot spots’ you dirty little bitches (and please, do report back in the comments below).

P.S. Dear ‘Confused’,

This is how a girl can get a stiffy.

The fact you did not know this says a lot about your sex life.