Let’s Get Experimental
Want to spice up your sex life? Here’s a few suggestions for when the going gets repetitive.
When you’ve done missionary to death and can predict down to the second every move he’s going to make, then you know it’s time to mix things up a bit. Don’t settle for a quick fumble at 2am when you’ve both finished your essays. Try out some new things. Perfect when you’re in a long term loving relationship, perfectly at ease with your partner and trust him completely, or if you’re never going to see the guy again and so don’t really care how perverse he thinks you are. You know you’re curious.
They might look like they belong in the kitchen but no, these bizarre plastic contraptions are in fact, scarily beaded for your pleasure. Whether it’s the garish pink, the shiny rubber or the interesting shapes, these are, quite frankly, terrifying. Perfect to emasculate whoever you’re shagging, whip one of these out during foreplay and see how things pan out. Make sure you read the instructions first though, definitely don’t want any injuries. Imagine explaining that to the nurse on duty.
Best For: People who like electric toothbrushes. You need to get used to the ‘vibrate’ function.
Risk Factor: You start to prefer your Rampant Rabbit to your man. We’re all on tight schedules here, so the quicker the orgasm the better for your degree.
We all know there’s nothing like freezing your ass off (literally) atop Castle Mound (no, that is not a euphenism) or holing out in the laundry room to make things more exciting and increase the chance of an awkward meeting with a friend tenfold. Beware of grazes though: rough walls and carpet can be deadly. Plus sex in a toilet will always be gross. Think of the guy next to you trying to have a shit in peace. Still turned on? Yeah, thought not. Also imagine someone walking in. No, not in a ‘Oh my god that’s so hot that we might get caught’ kind of way, more in a ‘looking them in the eye ever again’ kind of way.
Best For: Risktakers
Risk Factor: Someone seeing, spreading it round college and it appearing in the college gossip magazine. You will be fined at every swap ever once your foray becomes public knowledge.
Deeply in love with your partner but still want to pretend you’re fucking someone else? Maybe you’ve been a naughty girl and the teacher is keeping you behind after class. You could play a grown up version of doctors and nurses or be a virgin all over again. It’s time play with the power dynamic and act out your fantasy. Theoretically anyway. The reality might just involve you watch your boyfriend awkwardly ask to take your temperature whilst sweating profusely himself. Hot.
Best For: Thesps, obviously.
Risk Factor: Bursting into laughter
“ I really really want…your cock…like, now. Really. Lots. Erm..” Well, if that doesn’t get you wet then what does? Nothing like having a guy whisper sweet porn movie moves into your ear to set the mood. If he enjoys himself great, but let him get too carried away and you might find yourself shocked at what you hear (and terrified he will want to act it out in real living colour). And then you have to think of something equally sexy, slutty but not ‘too far’ to say back. Hold back and you’re Jennifer Aniston, but go too Angelina and he might freak. It’s all about balance.
Best For: Englings. You need a way with words.
Risk Factor: Writers block.
If it’s good enough for an MP scandal it’s good enough for the general population. I mean, what could you want more than for mid the most intimate of acts, than for your lover to place his hand around your exposed throat and start choking you? They might try and explain it away with scientific explanations about oxygen supply but really, it’s all about the violence.
Best For: Those who don’t scare or bruise easily. Non asthmatics preferred.
Risk Factor: Umm death?
It looks so easy on that 3D moving website. And they’ve all go such cool names: ‘Butterfly’, ‘Ballerina, ‘Lotus’. It sounds like a great idea. Until you realise you don’t really bend that way and you probably aren’t at your best angle and how exactly do the logistics of this work? It might end up seeming like the longest intercourse ever, but that’s probably more due to the pain of contortion rather than your mans staying power. Sorry girls.
Best For: Gymnasts. And those who can do the splits both ways.
Risk Factor: Sprains where you didn’t realise there were muscles
Bring out the pleather and fishnets. The time is ripe for itchy fabric and strange undergarments with strategically placed holes. Get an authentic ‘Little Bo Peep’ outfit if you’re into roleplay, or maybe you just want to wear the same underwear as your local hooker. Either way, there will be chafting.
Best For: Those with the bodies for it. So that’s A list movie stars and Blues athletes then.
Risk Factor: Other people seeing the Ann Summers in your laundry basket.
Make him feel inadequate about his size and her about her inability to groan like the pros. Ample naked body shots can give even the best of us complexes about our wobbly bits (yes that includes boobs. Because no one can match porn star tits) while there’s always a risk that someone watching it will get extreme ideas in his head when their partner is basically horrified. Also déjà vu to watching film sex scenes with your parents: where do you look? What do you do? Wait for the people on the tv to finish? Or just dive right in while they’re busy at it? Complicated.
Best For: The better endowed amongst us. Don’t want to get any complexes now do we.
Risk Factor: That your sex will pale in comparison to the five star show on the dodgy website.
Ever so slightly unhygienic, having your one true love (or a Cindies random) eat grapes out of your belly button is ‘sensual’, ‘romantic’ and to be honest, a little bit disconcerting. The sex afterwards might be a bit sticky and your bed sheets will probably need a wash- come to think of it, make sure you’re at his. That way you can go home while he sleeps on a mess of crushed raspberries and chocolate sauce (or Sainsburys Basics honey. We are students after all). But hey, at least you’ll get one of your five a day. And a bloody good shower afterwards. There are places fruit residue should never be left.
Best For: Those among us who still giggle when we look at a parsnip/courgette/carrot. Gotta love a good phallic vegetable.
Risk Factor: Allergies.
Saw ‘Moulin Rouge’ and thought it all looked a bit too easy? Then this is your thing. Full exposure and a captive audience for all your wobbly bits, that awkward moment when you seductively take off your jacket to get it stuck and him sitting, unsure whether to jump in and help or have a quick wank to keep things going. Sure, you look epileptic when MGMT comes on in Cindies but you feel sure that just because all eyes are on you the beat will come naturally and you won’t look like a baby giraffe floundering around, struggling vainly with more-difficult-than-they-used-to-be bra clasps and the dreaded question of how to take off the shoes and stockings without doubling the number of rolls on your stomach.
Best For: Brave people. Possibly with drunk boyfriends.
Risk Factor: Massive humiliation; what if he laughs? There is no recovering from that.
All about trust this. Time to risk the TV-show scenario of being left, naked and tied to a bedpost because your girlfriend found out about that girl you pulled at that swap the other week. Those who struggle to keep things zipped up, you have been warned. Take a tip from the boy scouts and bring out your best double reef knot, find another use for the washing line and lose the use of your hands in a situation where of course you couldn’t possibly need them. No chance of a hand job then.
Best For: Lazy folk, who really just want to have to lie there and let their partner do all the work.
Risk Factor: Loss of circulation. Getting a bit too carried away with the knot making. Being physically incapable of dashing for cover should you be interrupted.