The most annoying types of people who will dare connect with you on LinkedIn

There is nothing more obnoxious than posting online about your own promotions

2 hours ago

Nothing makes me despair for the human race like opening up LinkedIn. I get that LinkedIn is now a necessary evil for finding a job. But it’s so unbelievably annoying when people write a novella on their profile filled with meaningless waffle, or post a hundred times a day about how amazing they think they are.

Here are the most annoying types of people on LinkedIn. Best of luck for avoiding them.

The fifteen-year-old who has achieved nothing in their life

Some silly school careers advisor told this teenager that grown-ups only get jobs if they have LinkedIns, so they had an existential crisis and made an account. Thing is, they’ve done nothing job-related. So now they’ve filled up their profile with stuff that has all the professional gravitas of “Grade 2 recorder” and “reserve player for the netball F team.”

Writing GCSE English essays has given them the gift of the gab, so they’ve filled their bio with meaningless waffle about how school societies have equipped them with the skills to work at MI6. Lots of “I’m a skilled negotiator who excels in mediating conflicts over technological products with multiple tight-knit stakeholders” (read: I fight with my siblings over what we watch on TV), or “developed my communication and leadership skills by delivering a series of seminars on the portrayal of seashells in Shakespeare to a large group of literature academics” (read: I had to make a Powerpoint for my homework).

Middle-aged man who lives only for LinkedIn

@pasha

did you know that “let’s get coffee” actually means “let’s never see each other again” in corporate language? you’re welcome! here are your most popular LinkedIn phrases and what they actually mean in real life: “congratulations on your new role! the team will really miss you” – we are glad you left and we will miss doing your work for you (we won’t) 😌 ”you will be a great asset to the company” – asset means either non-performing asset i.e. asset that no longer brings in any value or a physical office asset like a chair, cabinet, a plant etc 😍 “this is exciting! looking forward to seeing what you do next!” – I have no idea what you’re doing with your life, but goodluck! 😌 “interesting insight!” – cannot be bothered reading your posts but care enough to leave a small comment and of course…“let’s get coffee” is alwaus “let’s never see each other again” – have I missed any? #recruiter #linkedin #jobs #comedy

♬ amazing news Michael – Pasha Grozdov

This guy has five friends in real life (including his dog walker) but 5,000 connections on LinkedIn. He probably has a mysterious and morally ambiguous job in a scary skyscraper. He’s posted so much on LinkedIn that he now speaks on LinkedInese in real life. He walks past a Yoga studio on the high street and he has to rush in to congratulate everybody on their new positions.

Uni student who’s desperate to get onto a grad scheme

@kick.it.forward

Do you hate linkedin? #linkedin #funny #sketch #aus #Melbourne #perth

♬ original sound – Kick it Forward

This 22-year-old signed up for a procrastination Master’s for something called “Business and economical statistical development with International financials”. Now they doomscroll through LinkedIn every night and write a post about every lecture they slept through and every smoothie they bought from Pret in the hope that this will somehow make them more employable.

Unemployed grad who now claims to be a CEO

@uxplosiveideas

linkedin IS NOT REAL 🤣🤣 #linkedin #worktok #corporatelife #linkedintips #ftx

♬ original sound – sakky

Pretty much every uni course is guaranteed to produce at least three people who decide they’re going to run their own companies, but don’t really know what companies are. Their LinkedIn says they’re the CEO of an exciting new start-up called Glooplie Innovation. They post TikToks along the lines of “Make-Up tutorial CEO edition” and “Tips to boost your productivity and be as glamorous and amazing as me”. In reality, they sit in their parents’ shed looking at Pinterest all day.

Your ex

Everyone knows that LinkedIn’s best use isn’t for getting jobs. It’s for stalking all the people you’ve fallen out with to see how badly their lives are going. If you jokingly added your ex on LinkedIn two years ago, there’s a high chance they use LinkedIn to check where you’ll be from 9:00am to 5:00pm on weekdays. Nothing screams “desperate” like sliding into somebody’s DMs on LinkedIn. Your exes are the most annoying people you could encounter on LinkedIn.