You’re not crazy! A therapist has explained exactly why we fall out with our third year flatmates

A universal experience, unfortunately

4 months ago

We’ve all been there. If you haven’t yet experienced the third year student flat that is polluted with tension you could cut with a knife, there’s still time. Regardless of the reason you all fell out, be it a messiness problem, a late rent payer, or late night music player, the bond has been broken. And the flat dynamic is forever changed.

You are not alone. The phenomenon of falling out with your flatmates in third year is common enough that it’s left us all wondering: What causes this relationship breakdown? Is there something psychological at work here? We wanted to to know the psychological reason why so much drama happens with your third year flatmates, and asked licensed therapist and mental health expert Sophie Cress why it’s such a common occurrence.

Why do we fall out with our third year flatmates?

fall out third year flatmates

Sophie tells The Tab that a big explanation for why we fall out with our third year flatmates is because there’s a shift in the priorities of many students in final year. The wild and free fresher who used to survive on Red Bull and all nighters in the library is long gone. Now, the third year student is consumed by job hunts and internship searches. They actually care about doing well in their assignments. Sophie explains the affect of the third year work load: “The increased attention might cause stress and anxiety.” This strain, Sophie continues, leads to short fuses and disagreements.

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She elaborates further on how academic pressure can result in friction between students living together: “The demands of final year projects, internships, and job hunts often sap students’ patience and tolerance for domestic problems. Academic and career obligations frequently cause stress in personal relationships, increasing the likelihood of conflict.” Essentially, everyone’s on edge in third year, and the tolerance for annoying behaviour is at an all time low.

Why is third year specifically turbulent?

Third year is when the fun and excitement of university dwindles. The novelty of living away from your parents wears off, and students are less inclined to pander to the friends they bonded with during the golden years of the uni experience. Sophie explains this further: “The realities of living together—shared chores, cleanliness, noise levels—can outweigh these initial attachments, resulting in disputes.”

In other words, the rose tinted glasses are removed, and suddenly how great your flatmate is at ring of fire doesn’t make up for their moulding dishes in the sink. Quite simply, students out grow each other. Strangely, personal development can be a key factor in flatmate conflict.

Sophie also explains that the confidence students gain through multiple years of independence and studying causes them to be less inclined to “compromise and avoid disagreements in order to form and maintain social relationships.” She said: “By the third year, students are more prone to impose their preferences and boundaries, which might lead to disagreements with flatmates who have opposing habits, lifestyles, or expectations.”

No more are they eager to cling on to every friend they meet at uni, as they become more secure in themselves and in relationships outside the flat.

What can cause that initial resentment?

fall out third year flatmates

The fractures in flatmate relationships can be caused by a number of things. One example is how third years gain this confidence that makes them less willing to allow their boundaries to be disrespected. Sophie confirms that newfound self assurance can “be misunderstood as stubbornness or a refusal to cooperate” by other people living in the flat.

Other elements that can cause the breakdown of a flat dynamic include differences in backgrounds, preferences, and living standards. Variations in opinion or behaviour that were previously glossed over to preserve the flatmate friendship “become more pronounced and harder to ignore,” Sophie explains.

She also stresses the role of external factors that invoke resentment between flatmates. After three years of university, students are more integrated into various social groups separate from their flat bubble, “whether that be romantic partners, close friends, or academic cohorts.” Sophie goes on to reveal that this can cause rifts between students who live together, “sometimes leading to feelings of neglect, jealousy, or competition among flatmates.”

How can a flat fallout be avoided?

fall out third year flatmates

Despite what some may believe, therapist Sophie dispels the myth that the third year flat fall out is inevitable. To help your flat avoid the phenomenon, you must communicate your feelings in a healthy manner, instead of waiting for tension to boil over and cause an unnecessary outburst.

“Open and honest communication is essential for addressing and resolving disputes before they escalate.”

In order to encourage this practice in your flat, regular flat meetings create a space for problems to be aired civilly. One of the best ways to do this according to Sophie is to communicate: “Encourage regular flat meetings to discuss any issues, establish clear boundaries and expectations, and develop a culture of respect and empathy to lessen the risk of confrontations.”

It’s difficult to believe that some people need to be reminded to be considerate of others, but what can you do. Best of luck to all the second years going into third, you might very well need it x

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