Is the ‘Freshers’ porn series anything like actual uni?

In the defining sex-and-drinking narrative of British culture, nothing is quite as important as the idea of uni: a place where young people with lots of free time sink Jägerbombs and go at it like rabbits.

Is it any surprise, then, that porn channel Television X made university life the subject of an entire series? “Freshers” is a five-part opus about making new friends and settling into a new town, with intermittent bouts of extremely graphic shagging.

But how does it weigh up to the actual university experience? I decided to find out.

Moving in

Moving into your uni house is a stressful experience, and for the cast of Freshers it’s no different – apart from the fact that they all turn up with nothing more than pull-along suitcases, begging the question where they left their kitchenware, their bedding and their parents.

So far, so Fresh Meat. All the usual suspects are here: the timid young-looking guy in the peacoat who is constantly chewing gum, the wistful Welsh girl, the guy who wears converse and brings his guitar, the guy who stands in a showercap in the kitchen feeding his pug with a plastic spoon.

Is it like actual uni?

They do have the awkward first conversation where two of them bond over the fact they’re both studying Geology, and there’s an irritating Geordie housemate who keeps handing everyone warm cans of Stella. So yeah, pretty much.

Going out

When the team head out to the Students’ Union, it could be a scene from literally any uni in the country – especially because there’s a punk rock song playing with the lyrics “drinking, drinking, drinking, drinking.” Students, eh?

As the night progresses and the housemates all make friends, there’s already some tension between Hannah, the possibly-Welsh girl, and the guy in the peacoat who looks like one of Ant or Dec. Alas, the Geordie guy tells him that he’d be “in there like swimwear” with other girls, so he goes sharking.

Ed (as it turns out he’s called) is unsuccessful, and has to watch in frustration as Hannah starts necking off with a DJ in the smoking area. He takes a sad swig of his Peroni and has a sad chew of his gum, but before his melancholy inner monologue can begin it cuts to some shagging.

Is it like actual uni?

To be fair, the DJ she shags says he’s at uni because people at home wanted him “to play their shit” and not his own. As a reason to join the path of academia it doesn’t strictly make sense, but it does sound exactly like something someone would tell you at 2AM in a Leeds smoking area.

Points are lost, however, for two discrepancies: the fact that they have sex in what looks like a school orchestra practise room, and the fact that Hannah exclaims “I barely ever drink alcohol, this is really new to me” before performing a good half of the Kama Sutra on him without needing so much as a glass of water.

Seminars

Two of the girls, Alex and Duffy, head to their first Psychology seminar. Alex is the sweet, bookish type, while Duffy has bright red hair and tattoos and punctuates every silence with “I have a massive fucking hangover” like a shit alt-girl alarm clock.

Duffy catches Alex “eye-fucking” the teacher, who is dreamy because he has a French accent, despite looking like Jamie Vardy making a court appearance. Even though she vehemently denies it, eye-fucking soon turns into real-fucking after the tutor invites Alex to a shady “extra lesson”, the address of which is scribbled on a crumpled piece of paper in his pocket.

The lesson begins civilly, but when he asks if she’s enjoying uni it understandably leads to anal over what one can only assume is his family dining table. This never happened in my seminars, but I did only have three contact hours a week.

Is it like actual uni?

No. Half of it takes place in a secondary school classroom, and the other half on a Frenchman’s sofa.

The only bit which is vaguely realistic is the bit where you catch Duffy doodling a giant cock-and-balls on her notes, because we’re all young and we all do that once in a while, don’t we.

Drinking games

Plot twist: turns out the DJ is their housemate as well! His name is JD, he has a penchant for wearing beanies without T-shirts, and when he bumps into Hannah the next morning he manages to rhyme “nice and sore,” “red and raw,” “fancy a bit more” and “your backdoor.”

It isn’t expressly stated, but we assume he’s studying English Lit.

JD is quickly established as the alpha-male of the house, because he throws away a carton of soy milk for being “girl’s stuff”. After pretending to have a mangina for a bit, he instigates a game of truth or dare – but things turn sour after Duffy lets on about Alex and the tutor, and Ed manages to let it slip that he’s actually a virgin.

Is it like actual uni?

Yeah, at first – the awkwardness of revealing your soul to a bunch of strangers is captured quite poetically. But then Duffy goes to apologise to Alex and ends up fingering her, which sort of ruins the dramatic realism of the whole scene.

By the time Geordie Greg gets out of the shower and turns the whole thing into a steamy sofa threesome, it’s all become pretty unbelievable. The scene ends with Duffy telling Greg she’s glad he caught them on his way from the bathroom. His response? “Too right!”

Sharing food

Hannah and Ed stumble upon each other in the kitchen, where a classic uni scene is taking place: “I’m sure I had some bread up here!” she fumes, surveying the empty cupboard.

“You can have some of my bread if you want,” replies Ed, before pulling this face.

You could cut the sexual tension with a butter knife.

Is it like actual uni?

The bread, yes. The sex, no.

Missing home

We were all guilty of feeling a bit homesick in our first term of uni, and none more so than JD. Luckily his mum turns up with his DVDs, so he understandably tells her to fuck off and sends Greg and Ed to go and help her “move some furniture”.

The furniture turns out to be a small coffee table, but regardless they all celebrate by kicking back with – shock – some cans of Stella. Greg makes himself scarce, so Ed does what any 18-year-old virgin would probably do when meeting their housemate’s mum for the first time: has sex with her in a plethora of positions for 10 minutes, before ejaculating on her chest.

“I suppose you can say I’m no longer a virgin,” he later tells Greg, in the understatement of the century.

Is it like actual uni?

The whole shagging-JD’s-mum storyline isn’t very realistic, but the scene where Hannah finds out and cries in bed to some alt-rock is really poignant. We’ve all been there!

House parties

As the series judders to a climax, the whole gang are lounging around half-naked in their living room, as kids do.

Out of nowhere, the guy with the pug who we haven’t seen since the first episode suggests a party: and they’re off. Loads of middle-aged people turn up and drink Strongbow – even Alex’s seminar tutor is here, wearing a collarless yoga shirt and looking like the spitting image of a latter-day Sting.

As the drinks flow and the party descends into a shit version of skins where everyone’s fucked off St Cervois and there’s not a pill in sight, the moment we’ve all been waiting for happens: Ed and Hannah finally get it on! And so do Duffy and JD, because it wouldn’t be the last episode of a porn series without a glorious multi-person strobe-lighted Hieronymous Bosch sex parade.

Is it like actual uni?

Parties at actual uni are definitely better, especially because this one looks suspiciously like it’s just a dark house in daytime which they’ve kitted out with some DJ decks, three balloons and a hula hoop.

But, of course, the uninhibited shagging is just like uni. If it wasn’t, why make a whole series out of it?