The art of ghosting: and why is the Bristol uni student so good at it?

Being ghosted is, unfortunately, a rite of passage when dating at university. Despite your probable status as a smart, sexy individual, everyone dating will have experienced the utter horror of being ghosted on a random Tuesday in week 6 of university, after a whirlwind romance with the person you were convinced was ‘the one’.

Emotional f*ckwits (as Bridget Jones so eloquently puts it) have been supercharged by the power of social media and their new ability to completely wipe themselves from the face of the earth to avoid the confrontation of rejection. It doesn’t matter that one day you’ll run into them in the queue for Union Street Lidl; they will pretend you no longer exist, ignoring the ‘strong connection’ you guys must have shared.

But the biggest question you constantly find yourself asking, after the second bottle of wine has kicked in, is why me?

Ghosting’s impact on you

The emotional impact of ghosting is unparalleled. You can go from being the most confident, sexiest version of yourself to being slumped in your kitchen on a Friday night, waiting, praying they’ll text with an inkling of remorse or recognition of your existence. Instead, you find yourself craving another bottle, half angry that you missed yet another night out moping around and half sad with that inevitable, heavy feeling of rejection.

Arguably the worst part about ghosting isn’t losing the romantic interest; it’s the loss of value in yourself. Rejection is never easy, but there’s something almost sadistic about not having any closure, all because someone couldn’t face up to talking to you. I mean, come on, what’s so hard about conversation nowadays?

So, instead of seeking closure through them, you seek it through friendships, drunken bathroom conversations and venting to your mum about the person who has ghosted you and subsequently ruined any potential for a nonchalant existence.

The ghosters themselves

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We seem to dwell on the personal when it comes to ghosting far too often. I have definitely fallen victim to the ‘why me?’ question, but the bigger (and far more important question) to be asking is ‘why them?’. Who allowed these people to walk around entitled enough to have the confidence to disregard any level of politeness when it comes to adult relationships, reducing back to the childish avoidance that you expect as a teenager with your first boyfriend in Year 7 – not your 6-month, 22-year-old situationship.

One thing I noticed when conversing with many ghostees in Bristol is how common it actually is. Whether it be the DJ bringing many close ‘friends’ behind their decks, the sports society member who had ‘too much on their plate’, or just plain old d*ckhead energy, ghosting seems to be a fundamental part of dating.

What is it about ghosting that is so common? Why are people able to completely deny your existence because they’re too uncomfortable to reject you the old-fashioned way? These questions, despite my many years of research, remain unanswered.

Instead, I remind myself (and you should too) that if someone is ghosting you, they’re probably not ‘the one’.

Getting over the ghoster 

Social media and the modern age have made relationships significantly easier, but it does not excuse poor behaviour. So, instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted you, remember how many more fish there are in the sea. Take Bristol, for example: at the university there are 31,132 attendees; you’re telling me that everyone in there is a ghoster? Absolutely not! There are so many options beyond falling for the ghoster.

So instead of spending your time saddened by the fact that they haven’t responded for three days, get out there. Flirt, find someone new. Your options are limitless, and you deserve better than the person who wasn’t big enough to just end things the humane way. 

You are worth far more than the experience of being ghosted. See it as a learning experience, some people aren’t cut out for a relationship with you, but that is a reflection on them – not you. 

So, to anyone reading this who is being ghosted currently, power through the urge to triple text and get back out there. You never know what could be waiting for you.